My Crazy Valentine

It all started with a woman. That’s how most of my problems usually start. That and giant turtles, but I digress. I was shopping in the supermarket when I encounter the most beautiful woman. Striking blue eyes, fantastic body, and a face that would make a sculpture jealous. She had it all and then some. She catches my eye and walks towards me. What should I say? What should I do? She strikes up a conversation. I find my mouth talking on autopilot. I make a bad joke.....she laughs. She actually laughed at that! I find her easier and easier to talk to. People are giving us weird looks, they must be jealous. We exchange phone numbers and make a date for next Saturday at the park.

The day is finally here! It’s felt like i’ve been waiting for this date for 3 years instead of 3 days. Tabitha (that’s her name! how lovely!) and I have been talking on the phone almost constantly since we met and I have gotten to know her much better. She’s a criminal psychologist who seems to love my terrible sense of humor and even shares my fear of giant turtles. I have never met a woman so perfect for me.....although the fact that she is a psychologist is kind of a turn off. All they do is try to psychoanalyze you and learn how your brain works, like some kind of mind reader. A person should at least have the privacy of their own thoughts. This girl though, I wouldn’t mind her knowing my mind. That’s kind of the point of a relationship, isn’t it? To know everything there is about a person and love them despite their flaws? I mean, i’ve only had a few girlfriends myself and never too long with each, but this one seems different! This one could be the one!

I put on my coat, leash up bowser, and head out to the first day of the rest of my life. As we reach the park, I look around. What a beautiful day! As I reach our meeting place, I look around and see her, a vision in a sundress with a labrador on a leash. Strangely enough, bowser doesn’t even seem to notice the other dog. He always barks at other freaking dogs, to the point where i have to leave the area most of the time. Maybe he’s just nervous. I wave and we meet up. My goodness, how did I end up with this woman. We spend a wonderful day at the park. Talking, laughing, having impromptu races, just enjoying each other’s company on a beautiful day. The only thing really wrong with the day is more of those weird, sometimes concerned, looks people kept giving us. What? A plain looking guy like me can’t be with a beautiful woman? Geez. People these days. At the end of the day, we make a date for dinner, calling together to make the reservations (so romantic!).

I pick her up at her house the next day. It takes a while for her to get ready, but you know how women are. As we drive to the restaurant, I tell her about my past. My strange childhood, my terrible luck with women, my fears, my hopes, my dreams. She seems to take it all in stride, commenting on the mysteries of life and reminding me that all that led up to this moment, a date with a beautiful woman who thinks I am the “bees’ knees”. We finally get to the restaurant and while I am getting our table, she decides to use the restroom. When she comes back she looks even more stunning than before, just in time for the waiter to take our orders. “Hello there, what will you be having today sir?” I order the steak, but when she tries to order he just ignores her and walks away. Incensed and, admittedly, wanting to look cool in front of this woman, I walk up to the waiter and ask “Sir, you didn’t even take the order of my date over there! Are these the kind of manners expected of waiters at this establishment!” He then proceeds to give me a very confused look and ask “What date?” “The beautiful woman in that booth over there! How can you miss a woman like that?”I reply. “Sir, there is nobody there.”