Highway Part 46

Highway Chapter 23(continued)

“Johnny?” I asked, confused, “What are you doing here?”

He rose an eyebrow, but chuckled.

“Calling me by my first name at last, huh? You used to insist that we didn’t use names.”

I laughed, remembering that. I didn’t want to have a past, and so I never used my name. But he still didn’t explain why he was here.

“Am I dead?” I asked, thinking I already knew the answer.

He pondered the question, pacing around the small hill we were on.

“Well,” he began, “That’s a hard question to answer. You aren’t dead yet, but you might as well be.”

So I was dying? I remembered seeing Veronica before I passed out, but I thought I was dead already.

“So is this the afterlife?” I asked, wondering how it could be any other place.

It was so breath taking; I couldn’t help but feel it had to be. He nodded, sitting down. He gestured for me to join him, and I did.

“You got taller,” he commented, and I agreed.

It was silent for a moment.

“How do you feel about this?’ he asked, looking at me, “Do you remember what happened?”

I nodded, watching the scenes play out in my head.

“How do I feel?” I asked, “Well, as good as to be expected from being dead. I don’t hurt, if that’s what you’re asking.”

He sighed, shaking his head. Another moment of silence followed.

“I meant how do you feel about being dead, essentially.” he said, “It’s a shock to most people. Then again, you knew you were dying.”

I didn’t say anything, trying to figure out what he wanted me to say. When I didn’t respond to his comment, and sighed again.

“So I hear you have a new apprentice. What’s that like?”

I thought of her, and smiled to myself as the memories came rushing in.

“She’s great,” I said, “You would have really liked her. She’s the spunkiest, craziest girl ever, but I wouldn’t want her any other way.”

The corners of his lips turned up in a smile as he heard me talk.

“It sounds like you really care for her.” He said.

I agreed. But the more I thought about her, the more I began to feel a strange sensation build up in my chest. Now I couldn’t get the image of her crying out of my head. It made me upset to think of her being sad and not to think of her being happy. If I was dead, I wasn’t supposed to be sad. Wasn’t the afterlife supposed to be an extremely happy place?

“She’s really special to you, isn’t she? After all, you died for her.”

His sudden question made me start, and I tried to mumble out a reply.

“Well, yeah,” I said, “of course I do. She’s my apprentice, right?”

He smiled softly, shaking his head.

“You care about her more than an apprentice, my young friend. You know, but you won’t tell me. You’re confused now, right?”

I felt as if we should be discussing old times, not talking about my relationship with Veronica. Why did he even know how I had died? Why didn’t I have any pain? Was it an afterlife thing? I thought it strange that I didn’t have any physical pain or wounds, but I was starting to feel an ache in my heart.

I brushed it off as missing Veronica. Of course I would miss her, for she was the only person I had loved for a long time.

“I’ll be fine.” I said, facing him, “I miss her a lot, of course, but it’s all okay. She’s safe now, and that’s all that really matters. I might have died, but at least I’ve ended up here. I’ll stay here, right? Or is this kind of like a transfer area?”

He didn’t answer, and stood up to walk around again. He examined the sun, pausing to let its rays warm his cheek.

“I’m here today,” he said softly, “To greet you. Yes, it’s true that you are on the other side, or will be very shortly. But it isn’t the same with you as with others. When people die, they are met by someone who they trust. This is why I came, and not someone else. But you, you are different.”

He gestured for me to walk with him, and I did. We wandered through the forest, listening to the wildlife overhead.

“What do you mean, I’m different?” I asked.

Dying seemed a pretty non complicated thing to me. You are living, and then you’re not. He hushed me, bringing me along a path.

I saw some baby snapdragons along the way, and I thought of Veronica. She had been so excited to ask me what they were the day I splashed her, she almost forgot to be mad at me.

Johnny led me through the forest, expertly finding his way around the foliage. We passed several small communities of animals, all frolicking about peacefully. After a walk where I tried to extract information from Johnny in vain, we came out of the forest.

We were up on a canyon now, high above the forests below. I could see the small room from up here, and insignificant speck now. We sat down again, leaning our legs over the wall. Could you get hurt if you fall if you weren’t alive anymore?

“Listen, “Johnny began, “You had a little accident. When her father struck you with that knife, it wasn’t supposed to hit you.”

I looked at him, confused. An accident? Since when were there accidents? I always figured that you died for a reason. It may have seemed like an accident, but there was usually a reason.

“What are you saying?” I asked, my mind growing slightly fuzzy.

“I mean your death wasn’t supposed to happen yet.” He said, “You were supposed to keep living after this night. You died by mistake.”

I suddenly found this funny. I had been accidently killed. Ha! I was quite possibly the only person to be an accident. Johnny was looking at me strangely, probably because I was laughing.

“Oh, that’s funny,” I said, “How is someone’s death an accident? I died to save Veronica, that doesn’t seem like an accident.”

Once again, she invaded my thoughts. Her beautiful hair tumbling down, the gorgeous dress she was wearing.

“The point,” he said firmly to get me focused, “is that you aren’t ready to be here yet. Now I’m not saying you can’t be here, because you obviously can be. I’m just saying you aren’t scheduled to be here yet.”

I looked at him quizzically. Did they need to book me a room or something?

“Well I can’t really help being here,” I said, slightly irritated, “Sorry if that’s an inconvenience. I didn’t want to be here.”

He gave me a reproving look, and I turned away. I was 25 years old, but he was still my teacher.

“I see you still have the ability to be snarky,” he said wryly, “I wasn’t saying that it was bad you are here. I suppose I should explain your situation a bit clearer.”

He looked out from the canyon, observing the wildlife. He was glowing, although I couldn’t tell if it was just because of the sun’s rays. He looked exactly the same as when he had died, perhaps in even better condition.

“You are suspended in time here, and always will be. But in life, time still moves. Right now, you’re just barely alive. You’re close enough to death to be here, but you haven’t actually left yet,” He said.

When I didn’t say anything, he continued.

“So, there’s still a chance that you could be revived. But that choice is entirely up to you.”

I gave him an incredulous look. I could come back to life because I wanted to?

“Seriously?” I asked, and he nodded, “That’s amazing! I didn’t know that! But you make it sound like it could be bad. Why wouldn’t you go back?”

He didn’t say anything, and I wondered what was wrong.  I stood up, leaning against a nearby tree.

“It’s just hard because life is hard. I’m sure you’ve noticed how beautiful the land is. This is a drifter’s paradise. And if I asked you right now to go back, you would hesitate. You already aren’t as sad as you should be about your death.”

He replied. That was ridiculous, I was sad. But was I really? I did find it strange that I kept being drawn in by the world around me. Although I kept thinking of Veronica, it did seem like a lost cause. But wasn’t that normal for death? Before I could say anything however, he shushed me.

“You think that you died because you needed to save her, that’s what you told me. But this wasn’t entirely true. You didn’t need to die to save her, but it’s an excuse now. This world is affecting you as we speak. Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t want to live here.”

I tried, but the land was beautiful.

“That’s unfair. You can’t ask me a question like that and not expect me to say yes. Like you said, it’s a paradise.”

He stood up as well, coming to lean next to me.

“Yes, it’s wonderful. But don’t you feel like something is missing? Perhaps a certain little girl? I’ve known you for years, and I’ve never seen you talk about someone so fondly.”

I couldn’t think straight anymore. Why wasn’t I just saying I wanted to live again? Something about the land around us made me question my decision, and I felt a voice in my head say to stay. Why go back? Veronica didn’t need me anymore. She would be sad, but she would be fine.

Why was I thinking such strange things? She was bawling her eyes out when I died, screaming at me. I tried to lessen the impact of my death as much as possible, but I didn’t know how it would hurt her. Wouldn’t it hurt me too? I had found it strange how fine I was with leaving her behind.

But that ache was forming in my chest, and I kept thinking of her. Everything I saw reminded me of something about her. I couldn’t stop replaying her face in my mind, her tears splashing on my face. Each one that fell seeped into my heart, causing pain.

What was I doing? This land was beautiful, more gorgeous than I could ever describe, but it wasn’t worth it. I would come back some day, and I would enjoy every moment, but I couldn’t stay here if I didn’t need to.

“I can tell you’re thinking it over. This place has a certain pull, for it wants to keep you when you’re dead. It’s such a wonderful place, but it isn’t for ones who want to still be alive. The pull is hard to resist, but I’m sure you could come back to life if you want it enough. The question is, do you? I’ll support whatever you decide, but you have to be completely at peace with it.”

The suns warmth tried to distract me from my thoughts, but I only reminded myself of Veronica. Her hair was beautiful in the sun in life, but I couldn’t see it here. I couldn’t see her beautiful eyes, greener than the leaves on the trees. I couldn’t see her smile, whiter than the snow capping the mountains off in the distance. I wouldn’t hear her laughter, her singing, her snarky comments. The world around me was so tempting and marvelous, but it wasn’t really my world. My world was only mine when Veronica was in it. It broke my heart to leave, but I needed to get away while I still had a chance.

“I can’t stay here,” I told Johnny, “Not when she’s waiting for me on the other end. It hurts so much to leave, but I need her like I need air.”

He smiled, pulling me into a bear hug.

“I was hoping you’d say that! Come on, you need to hurry.”

We rushed through the forest, only stopping when we reached the small white room.

“I’ve never done this before, so I don’t know what will happen. Go sit back down. Hopefully you’ll fall asleep and wake up on the other side. Just so you know, you might come straight back. I don’t know how long you’ll live, but it’s worth a try.”

I nodded, stepping towards the room.

“Thank you so much Johnny,” I said, “Veronica will be so elated. As for me, I’ll be the happiest man in the world. Goodbye.”

He called out right as I walked through the door.

“You take care of her, okay? She seems really special. Good luck. If I happen to see you come back, what should I call you? I don’t think kid sounds quite appropriate.”

I smiled at him, answering the only name I could ever use.

“Call me Matt,” I said, “I’m a Matt now.”

He nodded, stepping back.

“Goodbye, Matt.”

With that, I stepped inside. I lay across the bench, hoping for something to happen. I began to feel sleepy, and I heard far off voices. My eyes closed, and I was falling again.