14,000 mg

14,000 mg

 

it seems like enough;

 

the chalky shapes,

gathered from middle-aged women,

‘just for my toothache, you know’.

innocuous

in my smiling request,

made privately;

repeatedly.

 

(they just wanted to help.

and they will)

 

in the space of one sad afternoon –

raw easterly winds

raping the oaks

beyond my window –

i have collected

14,000 mg of paracetamol,

with 600mg of codeine

held in reserve.

 

(i turned down the Tramadol, in case i enjoyed it)

 

stockpiling,

has rendered the danger,

desperately metallic,

at the back of my throat.

 

it was a Monday night,

when tears sprung loose

like early bluebells,

carpeting my bed.

 

i gazed, blurry-eyed at my exit bounty,

compelled to pencil scratch a single letter

onto each tablet;

believing,

in that lost moment,

that what my father started a long time ago,

she has concluded.

 

even as i picked up the pencil,

it was heavy in my hand;

too pointless.

 

i am to blame –

for hoping.

for being

foolish enough,

to imagine dreams,

can ever be

an acceptable currency.

 

and now…

these chalky shapes

wait.

 

they know,

better than i do,

 

when they will be called to act.