Robbing a casino

I was the croupier decoy. I’d been planning my small talk for a month.

‘What’s it like to be a croupier?’ I was going to ask.

‘Just keep playing Blackjack’ Ron told me. There’s always a Ron. I took it as a compliment that there must have been a meeting where Ron will have said I know who’d do a good job at distracting the croupier. I’ve still got his number. I’ll give him a call.

‘Yeah sure, I’ll do it,’ I said when I got the call. We all got together for the first time at a poker night at Ron’s. Except no-one had brought any cards along and it turned out none of us even knew how to play. I think I sort of had a vague idea of the rules but I get confused when it comes to what’s higher out of a flush and a straight. And Ron said he’s not too sure either and when you watch the gangster films there isn’t anyone on Google or double checking a printout who says ‘No actually it turns out you did win that one Ron.

Everyone give their chips to Ron.’

As the various tasks were being allocated I sat there chomping on my cigar thinking well I’ve done pretty well for myself here. I was quite looking forward to being the croupier decoy. Not like poor Andy who had to deal with the chandelier and Amanda, poor Amanda, on pepper spray duty yet again. She said she always gets the worst jobs.

Ron gave us the dossier. ‘Read this’ he told us. I read most of it that first night before bedtime, but even though I was really enjoying it I didn’t get round to picking it up again for another three or four weeks. It’s strange when we do that with books. I did the same with Alain de Botton’s art of travel and The Circle by Dave Eggers. Really enjoyed it but then kept seeing it and thinking I don’t know when I’ll get round to finishing that off.

For a month beforehand I walked around with a gun in my sock like I was wearing in a new pair of shoes. It was uncomfortable at first so I practised going to buy milk with a gun in my sock and meeting Branchy for a pint with a gun in my sock and getting the train to London with a gun in my sock.

‘I really hope I don’t have to use this gun’ I said to Ron but he said he was quite hoping he did get to use his. I told him about that Jerry Seinfeld quote where he says if you write a joke with swear words in it means it isn’t finished yet and I said it seemed you could say something similar about using your shooter when robbing a casino. It should be as simple a transaction as buying a book of stamps at the post office, I said. Patience and then politeness.

He said ‘save the chitchat for the croupier.’

The big day came round. Heist day, as it said in our dossier. I had a bit of a lie in then started to make something to eat and before I knew it it’d be time to hop onto my motorbike.

Arsene Wenger was criticised when he arrived in English football from Japan and introduced his Arsenal players to eating fish and pasta. He introduced bananas, muesli bars and low fat rice pudding into the canteen at the training ground. He said ‘if you put the wrong petrol in your car it’s not going to be as quick as it should be.’ Nigel Winterburn said ‘it was completely different from anything I had experienced in my whole career.’ One of the club doctors told uefa.com that the meal on the match day should consist of carbohydrates with just a little protein but not too much because proteins might cause difficulties with digestion. You have to try and maintain glucose in the blood by giving it some carbohydrates like pasta or rice, Fish is idea. You should eat three hours before a game but I personally think three and a half hours is perfect.’

That’s why I had fish for lunch.

Amanda came round, still moaning about the bloody pepper spray. Unlike the gun in my sock she would definitely have to use hers. I pointed out that the people who were taking the most risks were being rewarded for it financially, that it had all been worked out very fairly, but she said it’s not really about the money. And she was right. It was about being part of a team. It’s just a shame I never found out most of their names. That’s the problem with pseudonyms and working freelance, Amanda said. You don’t know who you’re going to see next and although it seems like a lot of money in one chunk you have to make it last. So I’m hoping I get another call from Ron one day and we can get the gang back together. But apparently he’s retired to spend more time with his grandchildren. I still see the croupier sometimes. I think she must live near me. She doesn’t recognise me and has no idea that I was part of the heist. I sometimes think about saying hello. ‘I don’t know if you remember me but we met at the casino.’ But it feels harder to talk to someone when you don’t have a gun in your pocket, you haven’t been preparing for months, and you don’t have an ear piece in knowing that at any moment a man called Dagger will shout abort.