When He let go: Chapter one

I sat there on that small hill at the back of the school, I looked over at Rachael who had her eyes closed facing the wind.

“Hey Rachael..” I say, breaking her out of her day dream.

“Yeah?” She answered still facing the wind with her eyes now open.

I hesitate for a second and fiddle with my skirt. 
“How do you let go?” My question just sat there, floating in the wind as she sat there for a second thinking. She reached over and picked up a dandelion from the ground. She closed her fist around it and turned to face me.
“Like this.” She said locking eyes with mine. “You remove each finger one by one until you can let go and the wind takes it away.” She slowly uncurled her fingers and the dandelion drifted away dancing in the air. We both watched it silently, nothing but the soft breeze could be heard.

Her answer was far from what I meant, but in a way it was exactly what I needed to hear.

One by one, little by little, you let go.

 

Chapter one

I sighed and laid my head on my math text book. How could I be struggling in math? I’ve always been so good at it, but apparently not anymore. I close my eyes and try to think over and over about where I could have made a mistake. I hear a chair move near me and I slowly lift my head.

“Hey how’s it going? You look pretty tired.” He asks as he slides into the chair across from me. I shake my head and look down at my text book and then back at him. He stares at my math text book reading the question but my gaze remains on his eyes. They are a luscious green with brown near the pupil. How many times have I tried to capture those eyes in my art? I didn’t know. I try to think of techniques but even when I tried different techniques they still weren’t his eyes, just colors on a page. “I could help you if you like.” He offers. I bring my attention back to my textbook. For the sake of my pride I can’t.

“I don’t need help from you.” I tease, even though we both know I do need help.

“We’ll fine then” he says with a smirk although his voice remains the same calm it always has.

“I’m going to get help from the teacher” I lie feeling ashamed of my stupidity.

“Well that’s good.” He says. I just nod and look back at Jason but he is looking out the library window now. Curious, I look too but there is nothing to see but the colors of fall. It’s beautiful.

“Autumn is my favorite season.” I say but then I regret it because he probably already knows.

“I thought it was spring.” He says turning his attention back to me. I smile at his misjudgment, something’s do change…

“No I like fall because of the color. The orange and reds are beautiful… And I thought you didn’t have a favorite color but apparently it’s green… according to Rachael.” I add.

“She’s right.” He confirms. You can’t have it. That’s his color not yours! I scream inside my head. I bite my tongue and just nod at this new information. I think about my art work I always used a grey or royal blue to represent Jason, the colors are calm and collected just like him, the color green doesn’t suit him. Not in the slightest.

Green was always Kyle’s color. At first he didn’t have a favorite color. I sat on the grass with him at recess as he chucked grapes at the seagulls. It was almost summer.

“It’s weird for someone not to have a favorite color” I told him but I thought of Jason as I said this and how he claimed “he didn’t like any of them.”

“I don’t think so” Kyle said throwing another grape. “I just like all the colors, I can’t pick a favorite.”

I thought for a bit trying to pin a color to him. “Green.” I said out loud nodding at my decision.

“Green?” He turned to me puzzled. “I thought your favorite color was blue.”

I smiled, he was right but that wasn’t what I meant.

“No I mean green is your color.” I say shyly looking away.

“Why?”

“It fits your personality. It’s a cheerful color but not overly cheerful like yellow. More like in a caring way while yellow is more exited. It’s the color of nature all around us.” I tried to explain my choice but I felt silly.

“Green” he repeated nodding. “That sounds about right.”

“Wait” I said “I never told you my favorite color. How did you know?”

“You always wear blue. Like now.” He pointed before throwing a grape in his mouth.  I looked down and sure enough I was in my favorite blue shirt. “But it doesn’t suit you.” He said and turned back to watching the seagulls.

“Why?”

“It’s too calm and cool. You’re more cheerful.” I thought about this, I always liked blue. It was exactly what I liked about the color. It was cool even though I was usually not. It was sad and comforting like me. I mostly liked it because it reminds me of the sky that I wish to fly away in and the calm water that I love to play in. Maybe blue didn’t suit me, but I still love that color.

“What dose then?”

“Orange.” Kyle paused, chewing a grape before continuing. “It’s cheerful and warm like you. It’s the color of fall, your ideal hoodie weather. It looks nice on you too. It makes your eyes look brighter.”

I thought about this, how much I loved wearing hoodies in the fall and how orange went well with my slightly tan skin. I hadn’t thought about it before.

“I do like the fall” I said with a smile.

And since then it had always been him I thought about during the fall and green slowly started to appear more in my art. From that moment on I liked fall and he liked the color green, probably because it reminded us of that day and of each other.

 

 

Jason has pulled out his textbook and is working across from me. I watch him. He scribbles on the paper and then pauses to look back at the book before going back to the paper. I am memorized. I always like watching people study, it makes me feel proud and happy. I turn back to my book and continue with an occasional glance at him.

The bell rings and we close our books and get ready to head to class.

“Goodbye Kaitlin” he says with a nod as we part ways.

“See ya.” I call out. I watch as he walks away. “I miss you.” I whisper so faint I can barely hear it. I don’t dare say it louder, because I don’t want him to hear it, because it’s not mutual and because I’m not supposed to miss him. I have someone else now, but years after we separated ways I still stand here for some idiotic reason. I’m not supposed to miss you anymore.

I walk into English class and pull out my assigned book. The theme in English seems to be about racial discrimination. I get why these books where chosen, some people have been really racist to my friend Rachael in the past. To me though these books are worthless, teaching me about the other side I already knew. I’m more interested in books about freedom, loss or/and love. Still, I read the book and answer the questions in my notebook till the end of class. I don’t bother doing anything else, my friends Crystal and Sasha chat but they don’t bother me. They know that to me school is really important, it always has been. I grab my stuff and move to my next class. I see Maria as soon as I walk in and give her a hug.

“Little miss perfect is late.” she teases.

“The kids in front of me were walking really slow, besides it was only by a little so the teacher probably won’t care.” I sigh throwing my binder down next to her. “Did you finish the homework?”

“You mean the questions we got yesterday?” She asks and I nod. “Those weren’t homework we are working on them now.”

I pull out my seat and lean back in my chair. This is going to be a boring class I think to myself as I let down my hair from my ponytail.

“Can I braid your hair?” she asks happily eyeing my long brown hair.

“You done the work?”

“Sure.” She says. I give her a doubtful look. “I’ll finish it later.” She admits waving it off. I think about it for a second but then I give in.

“It’s all yours” I say. I’m already tired out from earlier today so I don’t bother pressing her. I can’t do anything but a basic braid in my hair so I don’t mind, it’s a nice change. She claps her hands together and gets started. I can feel the light tug as she braids. I close my eyes and relax. I can feel her movement from the slightest pull on my hair, I start to recognize a fishtail braid pattern by the way she holds and sorts my hair.

“Shawn looked kind of down today, is he ok?” Maria asks sounding concerned.

“Don’t worry about it. Shawn always looks down, usually he’s just tired. Even if he is upset there is nothing you can do, trust me I’ve tried” I sigh trying not to think about Shawn. There is nothing that can be done I remind myself. I’m worried about him too but he keeps everyone at arm’s length, except for me I guess. My friends are already on my case, making assumptions and trying to keep me away from him. It pisses me off, I’m lonely and I like making flirtatious jokes with everyone, not just him. I feel angry now just thinking about my argument with Sasha the other day, I heave a sigh and I let everything drift away with every pull and twist of my braid.

 

When the bell rings, I rushed out of class and to my locker. I quickly grab my things and throw them in my bag. I turn the corner and burst through the front doors. I look around and bite my lip. I hear the honk of a horn and turn to find his car. There it is, his slick black pickup truck is parked not too far away. He steps out of the car and I look both ways before I hit the ground running. His smile gets wider as I get closer, but I don’t slow down. He opens his arms just in time. I feel my body crash into his and his arms rap around me. The first time I ever did that he lost balance but now Kyle barley budges. I look up at him, his blue-ish grey eyes are already on mine. He leans in and kisses my forehead. He whispers a sweet “I love you.” In my ear before heading to the driver’s side of the truck. I throw my backpack into the car and crawl in. We pull out of the school before the buses can. I watch Kyle as he talks about his day. He is wearing a camouflage hoodie and his jeans still have a hole just above the knee. His baseball hat has a loose thread, he notices my eyes on his hat and turns it backwards.

“Just the way you like it” He smiles, only taking his eyes off the road for a second. I nod in approval.

“You’ve learned.” I say in a teasing voice. 

To be continued...