Table Manners

Dinner as guests of the captain is part of the package. For just 250 words on the appeal of European river cruises Adele secures a Prize Winner Plus-One fifteen day holiday – incorporating visits to Budapest, Vienna, Cologne, Amsterdam and more – with transfers and £750 spending money included. She has always loved competitions and has been moderately successful thus far; a luxury hamper or two, a case of dog food (her mum’s pooch Trixie enjoyed that one), even a spa-day. But nothing like this.

Excitedly Adele and her wife Carolyn shop for new day and evening wear. Both working in retail themselves they don’t have much spare cash but store discount and their credit cards ensure that they are able to fill their cases with new clothing and accessories that they feel happy with. Time and finances precluded against a holiday after their wedding last year which makes this trip, this late honeymoon, even more special to the couple.   

The first days are fun. The trip is not as glamorous as they imagine an ocean-based voyage would be but the time on board is restful and whilst on shore they visit interesting sites, enjoy coffee and pastries in pavement cafes and do a little shopping.  By the fifth evening they are relaxed as they bathe and dress for their date with the man who has overall responsibility for the ship’s precious cargo.

There are ten people in total at the ‘Captain’s Table’; four passenger couples, the captain and his wife. They are all older – by at least a decade – than the two honeymooners. Other differences are evident also for everyone except Adele and Carolyn is Caucasian, (presumably) heterosexual and in possession of accents that would do any finishing or public school proud.  Despite the good time they are having the couple have already managed to each strike off squares in their private game of Stereotype Bingo. They have both been asked if they have left their husbands as home; Carolyn has been twice mistaken as a waitress and Adele asked where she ‘originally came from’ when she mentioned to a new acquaintance that her home town was Wakefield. With this in mind they are prepared for a few more crosses on their card; a few more stories to dine out on once their trip is over.

The two women are pleasantly surprised then when no-one embarrasses themselves or asks a question requiring an educational answer. Most of the dinner-time chat is banal; the cruise experience to date, previous favourite holidays, a little detail on other interests and hobbies, some tall-tales from the captain. A gentle kick from Carolyn stops Adele from getting political when the topic of the latest royal wedding comes up and they are able to bat away a potential question about motherhood (which they quite rightly believe is their business and no one else’s) by talking about beloved nephews and nieces. During the after-dinner dancing, happy in each other’s arms, they congratulate each other on an enjoyable and successful evening. Whilst Adele pays a short trip to the ladies’ washroom Carolyn finds an empty table where they intend to enjoy a nightcap before retiring for the night. On a nearby table, but behind a pillar and so out of sight, two of their previous female dinner companions are talking. Unable to do anything but eavesdrop Carolyn tunes into their conversation.

‘Lovely meal tonight wasn’t it?’

‘Yes absolutely, so carefully prepared and presented. Delicious too.’

‘I enjoyed the table conversation too, so interesting to hear about other’s lives, is it not?’

‘Yes, yes. What a charming couple those two young women from Yorkshire are.’

‘Indeed, yes. But did you notice Adele’s hemline? Totally inappropriate for such an occasion.’

‘Umm, yes I know and the jewellery, I mean really.’

The next evening Carolyn and Adele dress in shorts, t-shirts and their most flamboyant bling. They see a few eyebrows raise as they enter the dining room but nobody says anything. At least not to their faces.