Today's TV

Gold cherry

By Terrence Oblong

Fri, 29 Jun 2018
  • 2454 reads
8 comments
 
BBC1
5.15: Pointless Talking Animals - Special edition of the quiz in which pairs of talking animals answer questions on 80s films, European flags and famous Peruvians.
6.00 - 8.30: Grown Men kicking a ball around.
8.30 - 9.30 The Drinking World Cup - The Lads Army take up the challenge of drinking a swimming pool full of lager during the duration of the England-Columbia game.
9.30 - 10.30 Question Twats - A bunch of idiotic twats are asked questions by a studio audience.
10.30 - 12.00 Russia - it's not too bad really - A belated attempt to appease the World Cup hosts with a favorable documentary.
 
BB2
6.00 - 6.30 Richard Osmond's What's The Quiz - Richard Osmond launches yet another new quiz in a bid to repeat the success of Pointless. Will anyone work out what the hell the point of the game is before it's decommissioned. New Series. Episode 1 of 1. Last in Series. Never to be seen again.
6.30 - 7.00: Ramesh Ranganathan Spends a Week in a Portaloo - The BBC funnyman spends a week living in a portaloo. With Sue Perkins.
7.00 - 8.00: My Nazi Cheesecake - Mary Berry and historian Alice Roberts challenge a team of celebrities to recreate actual Nazi cake recipes. With Jamie Oliver, John Humphreys and Adele Hitler.
8.00 - 9.00: The NHS - A Documentary Maker's Dream - Celebrating 70 years of documentaries about the NHS.
9.00 - 10.00: Vince Cable, If I was in Government - An in-depth interview with the Lib Dem leader in which he reveals that he is entirely oblivious to the fact that he spent five years as a government minister.
10.00 - 11.00: Living off Twigs - Part of the Poverty Porn series. A group of Etonian billionaires spend three minutes living off nothing but twigs. Later, in a £40,000 a head restaurant, they spend the rest of the programme complaining that the poor have it easy.
 
ITV 1
6.00 - 7.00: Posh People Buy Expensive Things - Cailtlin and Jeremy spend a lot of money on things they don't need.
7.00 - 9.00: New Morse Spinoff - A character seen looking confused in a Chinese takeaway in an early episode of Morse is given his own spinoff series. Episode 1 of 43,972.
9.00 - 11.00: Who'd Win Now? - The surviving members of the 1966 Germany and England World Cup teams meet for a replay.
 
ITV2
7.00 - 8.00 Goggle Watch - Members of the public are filmed watching Goggle Box.
8.00 - 9.00 Happy Love Island - Jed and Alun look for romance, but there isn't anyone else on the island so their quest ends in disappointment.
9.00 - 12.00: Cheesy Wotsits the Musical - with Meryl Streep, Nigel Havers and Catherine Zeta Jones.
 
Channel 4
6.00 - 7.00 The Chrystal Maze on Chrystal Meths - feat. Keith Lemon and Patsy Kensit.
7.00 - 8.00 My Autistic Teddy Bear - The bear who doesn't like to be cuddled.
8.00 - 9.00 Twigs After Brexit - An expert panel discuss the impact Brexit will have on British Twigs. Featuring Nigel Farage, Barry Gibb and the cast of Friends.
9.00 - 10.00 Fuck Business - In a special extended interview the Foreign Secretary outlines his plans for fucking the UK economy.
 
Channel 5
6.00 - 7.00 Secret Service Duck - Pensioner Vicky Allright is shocked to discover that her duck, Sir Reginald, is secretly working for the British government.
7.00 - 8.00 My Muslim Fag Packet - no preview available.
8.00 - 9.00 Naked Date - Jeff and Ermantrude go to the British Museum. How many double entendres can Sue Perkins make about the exhibits.
9.00 - 10.00 My Transvestite Duck - Meredith Mudhoney's duck, Virginia, has started wearing men's clothing.
10.00 - 11.00 Jean Cleaners - Jean Cleaners are here to help when Patrick gest mud on his Levis.
 
ITV 4
All Day - Sport, sport, sport, sport. Highlights of the cricket, cycling, rugby, darts, tennis, athletics and numerous other sports that were stupidly scheduled to coincide with the football world cup.
 
Dave
6.00 - 6.30 - 30 Minute Wing It - 3 minor celebrities are asked to fill 30 minutes of airtime without any preparation whilst performing utterly tedious challenges.
6.30 - 7.00 - 30 Minute Wing It - 3 minor celebrities are asked to fill 30 minutes of airtime without any preparation whilst performing utterly tedious challenges.
7.00 - 7.30 - 30 Minute Wing It - 3 minor celebrities are asked to fill 30 minutes of airtime without any preparation whilst performing utterly tedious challenges.
7.30 - 12.30 - 300 Minute Wing It  - Special Edition, 3 minor celebrities are asked to fill 300 minutes of airtime without any preparation whilst performing utterly tedious challenges.
 
BBC 4
7.00 - 11.00 King Lear - Danny Dyer heads an all-star cast, bringing his own unique style to a classic script. "Nuffin don't come from nuffin. You twat."
Certificate 15
Other
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by london_calling79 on

There is such a fine line between satire and reality. I’m going to check this listing in five years time and tally up how many are actually being aired. Fingers crossed for ‘Secret service duck’.

 

Submitted by Terrence Oblong on

I'm pretty sure Jean Cleaners will be on by the end of the year.

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

At last someone has noticed the importance of twigs!

 

Submitted by Parson Thru on

Fantastic! Original but so blatantly obvious (once someone else has done it). Detailed reading showpiece. Yes, ducks and twigs (and Foreign Secretaries) as you've never seen them before.

Parson Thru

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

This could probably form the basis for a successful application as programme controller for one of the above channels . I'm not sure if that's a Good or a Bad Thing but you should definitely go for it Terrence!

 

Submitted by airyfairy on

I'm recording the Morse spin-off.  

Submitted by Philip Sidney on

To quote Kevin from Home Alone, 'Television is my life', and if I ruled the world there'd be a hell of a lot more Scandi noir and feminist art docs.  But I don't and this is genius and our facebook and twitter pick of the day. 

Submitted by Terrence Oblong on

Thanks Philip, it all came so easily, I was practically copying from the Radio Times.