It's All In The Game - Part 1

Josiah Oakshott busied himself with the preparations for the Company Christmas Party.  In all honesty, there wasn't an awful lot to busy himself with, as he well knew, but he liked to be fully prepared.  The sherry had been decanted, the glasses polished and a selection of biscuits were neatly arranged on a silver tray.  Overall, he was quite pleased with the visual effect. 

The Christmas Party was not an occasion to which he particularly looked forward but, one had to do these things.  At least it was now a more civilised and relatively brief affair, in which each employee had a glass of sherry and a biscuit, listened politely to Josiah's summing up of the previous year's activities (complete with the one obligatory joke) and then took possession of their envelope containing the Christmas Bonus, along with a bottle of sherry to take home, after which they could all breathe a sigh of relief and bid the whole ghastly occasion farewell for another year. 

In Josiah's father's time, old Jereboam Oakshott had usually hosted a rather more raucous gathering which involved copious amounts of whisky, singing and some rather lewd behaviour.  Josiah, on taking over the reins, had immediately put a stop to all of that, much to the regret of the more long-serving employees.

"I think I've sorted the CD out, Mr. O." The sound of someone bumping into furniture indicated that Archibald Thurble had entered the room.

One of Josiah's principal concerns each day was to try to think of tasks for Archibald that would not leave much, if any, room for the promulgation of disasters.  This didn't always work out as planned but he was reasonably confident that getting the timing right for the music for the Schulz funeral was one such task.

"I'm delighted to hear it, Archibald." Josiah said, still engrossed in polishing the glassware.

"Seems a funny tune to want to have played at your funeral" Archibald mused.

"You mean "It's All In The Game"?  I rather think it was Mr. & Mrs. Schulz's 'song'"

"What, they sang it?" Archibald was more than surprised.

"No, I mean it was a song which was special to them.  You know how it is,  couples often have a song that signifies something.  Perhaps it was playing when they first met or it was the first song at their wedding reception?  Something like that" Josiah explained "It was probably relevant because Mr. Schulz was something of a sportsman"

"Was he?" Archibald expressed astonishment because the late Mr. Sculz had been twenty-five stone if he weighed an ounce, a fact that was particularly on his mind given that he was going to be one of the pallbearers, "I can't imagine him sprinting round the track but I suppose you never can tell!"

"Ah no, Archibald, I did not mean to infer that Mr. Schulz was an athlete, he most certainly was not!  No, he was a sportsman in the sense that he liked a bet"

"Oh, I do too" Archibald responded, enthusiastically.

"Really?  You do surprise me, Archibald"

"I often risk a pound on the pub's blackout" Archibald smiled at the thought.

"I think Mr. Schulz's wagers were of a somewhat more complex nature and rather greater value, Archibald" Josiah pronounced, relying on the lengthy complaints of the Widow Schulz regarding this matter.

“Any road, I was listening to the words of that song, ‘cause I’ve had to hear it quite a few times what with timing it an’ all”

 “Yes, I’m sure that would be the case, Archibald” Josiah felt gratified that he had managed to occupy so much of Archibald’s highly dangerous time in this fashion.

“An’ there’s this couple of lines at the end that I can’t make head nor tail of.  It’s the ones that go “Then he’ll kiss your lips…”

“Ah yes, the timeless lyrics of one Carl Sigman, I believe Archibald.  Amongst many other classics, he also wrote the English lyrics for the song ‘’What Now My Love?’, a song regrettably ruined by those of a humorous disposition who would put a comma after the word ‘What’”

“Really?” Archibald responded, without any discernible interest or enthusiasm, “any road, there’s…”

“Yes, you see, Archibald, if you place a comma after the word ‘What’’ it makes the title ‘What, Now My Love?’ which gives a whole different meaning to the phrase.”  Josiah was one of those people who think that every joke can only be improved by further explanation, “It might also interest you to know that the tune was composed in the early 20^th Century by a future Vice President of the U.S.A.” Josiah said, warming to his theme.

“Fancy, I didn’t know that” Archibald said, in a flat tone that denoted the same lack of interest,”any road, it says ’Then he’ll kiss your lips, and cress your waiting fingertips’  Isn’t cress that stuff that looks like a weed that you put on egg sandwiches?”

“I fear you have misheard the line, Archibald” Josiah said, kindly, “it actually says ‘and caress your waiting fingertips’”

“Care- ess?  What’s that when it’s at home, then?”

“Well, I suppose a suitable synonym would be’ fondle’” Josiah responded, automatically, and immediately regretted his choice of words.

“Fondle!  Why would you want to fondle someone’s fingertips?  If he was going to fondle anything at all, he should fondle her t… ”

“Archibald!”

“I was going to say toes” Archibald said, in a hurt tone, “my mam used to massage my toes when I was little”

“Well, I suppose toes wouldn’t work in the context of the song.  No, not fondle, obviously” Josiah thought, furiously, “possibly, ‘stroke’?”

“Oh, my Nan had one of those” Archibald replied, happy to be on firmer ground,

“No that’s not what I… ok, forget about ‘stroke’.  Try ‘touch gently” Josiah suggested, grasping at straws.

“Oh, right.  So, this ’fondling your fingertips’ business, how would you do that, then?”

“Ah, there you have me at something of a disadvantage, Archibald.  I’m afraid the arcane ways of romance are rather a mystery to me” Josiah said with some relief.

“There no Mrs. O. in the wings then?”  Archibald asked, with some concern.

“I regret not, Archibald.  There was someone, once, but…”  Josiah seemed lost in reflection for a moment, before, “I’m afraid you may come to learn that our profession or calling does not easily lend itself to affairs of the heart.  How about you, Archibald, is there a putative Mrs. Thurble in the wings?” Josiah immediately regretted his choice of phrase.  He had never before, knowingly, enquired into an employee’s private life.  For all he knew, Archibald might have some very odd leanings indeed, none of which he wished to explore, now or in the future.  ”I do apologise, Archibald, that was crass of me, your private life is your own affair, I should not have asked you.”

“Oh, no, Mr. O., that’s alright!  A girlfriend, you mean?  No, not really, me mam would never allow it!”

“Your mother will not be here forever, Archibald”  Josiah pointed out, against his better judgement.

“Oh, I reckon she will be, Mr. O.  She says that, if she can’t take it with her, she’s not going!”

Knowing the temperament and character of his cousin, Ophelia Thurble, Josiah was not at all surprised.

“There is a girl as it happens.” Archibald offered, shyly,”she works in the chip shop and she winks at me every time I go in for a portion of chips and a pineapple fritter” Archibald reflected, happily, then doubt crept across his face, “Any road, I think she’s winking at me, only she’s got a nervous tic, like,  so, I guess she might not be winking at all”

“How very difficult the course of true love is, Archibald” Josiah said, stifling a titter

“Then again, even if she is, she’s a bit cross-eyed so it could be for the bloke next to me”  He gave this some more thought, “or the woman, I s’pose”

“Perhaps you could take advantage of this festive season and manoeuvre her under the mistletoe?”

“Do what with her under the mistletoe?” Archibald looked shocked.

“Position her, Archibald.  You could possibly position her under the mistletoe.  Then she could make her feelings plain” Josiah suggested, dubiously.

“Oh, I don’t know about that, Mr. O.” Archibald blushed, deeply, “She does give me extra batter bits, so I’ve always thought we’d got sort of an understanding."

You can find last year's Christmas story featuring Josiah and Archibald in my seasonal collection of stories 'A Christmas Cracker'