YOU!

I've always felt a bit different, but was told by everyone that it was just a phase. That was five years' ago, I'm fourteen now and nothing has changed, only now I'm being told it's a teenage phase. Who are they to decide how I feel, and what's going on inside my body? I feel like a stranger in this body, I always have done ever since I was a little. It's like I'm walking around in a permanent state of limbo. The thing is I have no idea what's wrong with me, I just know this female body I was born with doesn’t belong to me. When I was at primary school, my mum would dress me up in hideous pastel colours, and put ribbons in my hair, all of which were deemed normal attire for a girl. I would put up as much resistance as possible, which always proved futile. As I got older I retaliated even more until my mum eventually gave in and let me dress the way I wanted. That was the day I was re born and became a boy. No one can ever really know what it feels like to be trapped in your own skin. No one knows how it feels to slowly suffocate. I know deep down people think I'll grow out of it, but when will they understand that this isn't a phase, this is who I am meant to be. My teachers at school appease me, but I notice how they look at me with their furtive glances, afraid to say the wrong thing. I have no one to talk to about this, I mean really open up and talk to. They put me in touch with the school counsellor but she just loves the sound of her own voice. It's all well and good people trying to support me, but I feel as if no one knows what to do with me. My mum tries her best, but I see the sadness in her eyes as she knows she's lost her little girl. My dad who ironically always longed for a son, can't even look me in the eye. Never have I felt so alone.

A couple of days later I noticed an elderly lady staring at me as I was waiting for a bus. I don't know why, but old people seem to get away with being rude, they don't seem to care who they offend. I could tell she was trying to work out whether I was a boy or a girl, her stare burned a hole through my skin. At that point I just wanted the ground to swallow me up, and save me from all this turmoil. When the bus eventually arrived, I went straight up the top deck as usual. I noticed a group of boys from my school sitting at the back. They're much older than me, possibly in year 9 or 10, they were quite intimidating. As soon as they noticed me they cut short their conversation and warily stared at me. The top of the bus was empty, except for a young woman who was chatting away on her phone, oblivious to her surroundings. The boys presence makes me feel a little anxious, suddenly I regret sitting upstairs. One of them in particular was looking at me with such  disdain, he must be the ring leader. The woman got up to get off at the next stop, she was still on the phone so I doubt she even knew I was sat right behind her. The ring leader started wolf whistling at her as she walked past them. She gestured to him with her middle finger before getting off the bus, flicking her hair as she did so. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, knowing she'd humiliated him in front of his mates.They were getting off at the next stop, thank goodness. As they walked past me, one of them came right up to my face, his breath stank of cigarettes. “Did you find that amusing you little freak?” I ignored him, and tried not to show my fear. Before he left, he gave me a sharp punch in my side and ran down the stairs laughing, followed by the rest of his minions. My side felt like it was stinging, he had punched me quite hard. It was only when I stood up to get off the bus that I noticed a pool of blood on the floor. I followed the trail and noticed it had come from my seat. I stood there in total disbelief realising that I'd been stabbed. It's such a surreal feeling seeing blood everywhere, knowing it had come from my body. If I don’t get help soon then I'll die. I see a body slumped on the floor, a young boy around my age has passed out.

It's only then that I realise that I'm dead.