Chadpocalypse - 2:4 Run to the Hills

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2:4 Run to the Hills

Immediately after turning the corner, the cold feeling that had been gripping Chad like a vice dissipated. “What the Hell?” he thought out loud.

     “Yeah,” was all that James could manage.

     Joe had a pale look of fear plain across his face, but it quickly turned to rage. “What the Hell?!” he shouted.

     “How original,” muttered James.

     “And blasphemous,” added Chad.

     “Oh blow it out your ass, they ticketed me.” Joe flapped his arms wildly in what Chad estimated was a gesture of anger. Before him was a small Chevy sedan bearing a blazing yellow ticket under the driver-side windshield wiper. Down the street, a smug-looking parking attendant grinned at them, tipping the brim of her blue cap as she did so.

     “That’s what you’re upset about? You do realize we just faced down Death. Like, THE Death. Does that not bother you?” Chad for one couldn’t stop thinking about it. The cold fire that had burned in the skull’s eyes blazed like an afterimage on the street.

     “Well of course it does, we’re running, aren’t we?” replied Joe circling the car and sighing heavily. “One inch over the yellow line and they ticket me. Is there no kindness among men anymore?”

     “I think that was a woman,” replied Chad.

     “Don’t engage.” James approached the car’s passenger door. “He’s been getting philosophical like this lately. Something about the End of Days making every bad thing a sign that he should lose faith in humanity.”

     “I have not!” Joe pulled a key out of his pocket and clicked it. The sedan’s lights blinked weekly and a dull horn sounded. “Get in the damn car if you’re so worried about the horseman coming to get you.”

     Chad didn’t argue. Death’s physical presence might have left him, but the chill had not. He pulled open the door to the car, ignored the strong smell of aged mildew and got in. Inside was just about as cold as the street but having the glass barrier gave him a sense of security. Chad tried to take stock of what had happened in the last twenty minutes.

Shot down from another dimension on lightning. He wasn’t sure that’s exactly how it had gone, but it was close enough. Happened to land in a coffee shop where there was already an angel and a demon. Coincidence or divine providence? He couldn’t really make sense of that one. THE Death greets me in the street and says he wants to talk. Spooky, but definitely on theme for the day. All in all, it seemed that things had gone from upside down to completely fucked.

“All I’m saying is if people believed in the teachings of The Lord, there would be more kindness in the world.” Joe slammed the driver side door.

“And like I’ve been telling you for the past eight months, I don’t need The Lord for kindness and your sermons are getting old.” James slid into the passenger seat, slamming his door as well.

“Bah!” spat Joe and put the car in gear. The metal beast guttered and chugged as they pulled onto the road. Awkward silence hung as the car guttered and bumped along the road, heading out of town.  

Chad felt like a child stuck between fighting parents on a cross country road trip. “You two have been working together for eight months?” It seemed unbelievable. After just five minutes, it seemed like their partnership was about as stable as Chad’s mental state.

“Aside from that spat where James abandoned the cause for The Big Easy.” Joe glared at him.

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this, Nick needed my help taking down a rogue necromancer.” James threw up his hands. “If anything, I was doing The Lord’s work.”

“Blasphemy,” cursed Joe.

“I don’t mean to break up this couple’s squabble, but where can we possibly get in this POS that Death can’t find us?”

“Hey—” Joe started, but Chad cut him off.

“I just lost eight months of my life, fell from the sky completely naked only to be confronted by a third horseman of the apocalypse. Can you fuck off for a minute and focus on somewhere that might be safe?” Chad’s head throbbed. “Still keep liquor in the glove compartment?”

Joe winced.

“Sober for three months,” mouthed James.

“Jesus Christ,” Chad crossed his chest, hoping it would buy him some good will with Joe if not whoever was running the show upstairs. “While we drive, you can fill me in on what else I missed. But in the meantime, we need a plan.”

“There’s always The Order,” offered James.

“I like it, sounds secretive, maybe into magic?”

“Some of them,” admitted James.

Rage blossomed clear on Joe’s face. “I am not driving us to a place that flies in the very face of my church.”

“It only flies in the face of the close-minded.” James turned away from the window to glare at Joe. “We’ve talked about this already.”

Joe grumbled something that sounded like a mix between a prayer and a curse.

Chad groaned. “It’s like you two have no sense of the danger we’re in.” Being the voice of reason was not a role Chad was comfortable in and took away most of the hope he had of their success.

“I’m just—” Joe started.

“Focus up! Death is probably riding behind us right now and we’ve barely got a head start. Now, can The Order keep us safe from the horsemen?”

“If they can’t, I’m not sure who can.”

Chad shuddered at the thought. Only one day back on Earth and they were already on their last good hope. I’ve been through worse. Chad remembered the hangover that followed an ill-advised trip to experience spring break. Can’t be worse than that. Even the memory conjured up the taste of tequila, limes, and the smell of sand damp with his own vomit. Somehow, the memory made his stomach gurgle. “Either way, we’re going to need some food.”

Joe glared at Chad in the rearview mirror. “I am not your chauffeur.”

“Oh, give it a rest. If you want to stop the apocalypse, we have to outrun Death, and I mean death in all forms. That means starvation.” Chad pointed to his stomach for emphasis. “By my count, I haven’t eaten in eight months, which would make a paper bag full of cheeseburgers damn near a miracle.”

“I could eat,” admitted James.

Before Joe could castigate them further, Chad cut him off. “Right, it’s settled then. Take us to The Order, father, and if we haven’t seen the horseman on our tail in fifty miles, cheeseburgers.”