77. Time and the Devil

‘That ain’t so different from the deal Uriel offered me.’ Lilith said, blowing cigar smoke in The Devil’s face.

Mr D’s hand slammed on the table, loud enough to wake a sleeping God, which it did.

‘Uriel no longer has any interest in this matter.’ He shifted uncomfortably on his chair, I wondered if Lilith would have to grow a tail.

‘Uriel’s out of the picture?’ I knew he was, but the longer we talked, the longer I could put off what I was worried was coming.

‘I know what temptation can do after aeons as the Arch-Tempter, Gabe. Uriel is going to fall so far and hard he might go mad. The Redhead will make sure of that. If he doesn’t lose his mind, I reckon he’ll be happier than J-Rod at a Officers’ Club formal dinner.’

Lilith wasn’t finished. ‘So what about the opposition? It’s got to be someone I can work against. Not some God-dy Two Shoes. I want a wrathful God. A mighty Jehovah. Someone like me.’ She slapped the table herself, and TAFKAG stirred again. This time he made a conversational contribution, ‘Vengeance is mine!’. He pretty much spoiled the effect by landing face down in his empty pasta bowl.

‘That’s just it. Dear Lilith, Gabe is filling The Great Jehovah’s boots. Sorry, Gabe, I really didn’t want to spring it on you like that.’

Lilith’s eyes slitted. She looked like a cat who’d just spotted a three-legged mouse.

‘Now, wait a minute-’ I started, but Mr D interrupted.

‘I’ve been waiting 2,000 years. Why do you think me and the Son of God went up Mount Quarantania? Hay Soos wasn’t interested. It was high-concept: father and son conflict, that’s a movie that could run to the end of time. I even helped him with the disappearing act out of that selpuchre later, on the grounds that he’d consider it in another two millennia. And now he’s dying too. Come on, Gabriel, give a tired old Devil a break? Eternity is a damned long time and it’s a long time damning.’

‘No way. Mr D. I’m not...’

‘What? Noble enough? Look at him. A noble brow behind which is a brain that is alphabetti spaghetti? What good is nobility? Come on, Gabe. I’ve had enough. I don’t get out of the job unless both posts are filled.’

A bird flew overhead – wings spread wide as an angel’s. I hoped it wasn’t a lost albatross.

‘I’m not the guy.’ I said. ‘I couldn’t work with her.’

‘Against.’ Lilith said. ‘Scared, Sonny?’

‘Not at all. Lilith. I’ve got a better solution.’

Mr D filled up the grappa glasses. ‘Let’s hear it, Sonny.’.