We Shall Not Pass This Way Again

Josiah Oakshott was distinctly uncomfortable.  He was aware that he was gripping the seat on which he was sitting to an excessive degree but, he comforted himself, so would anyone at the mercy of Archibald Thurble’s driving.  Archibald held the unenviable record of being the only employee of Oakshott and Underwood to have been given a speeding ticket when driving a hearse. 

In an ideal world, Josiah would have preferred to have driven himself, but he was conscious that this would not really send the right message, either to his clients or his employees.  The unfortunate experience was compounded by the fact that the funeral they had just attended had taken place at a very far-flung crematorium, which meant a longer, and more tortuous than usual, drive back to base.

“Went alright didn’t it?”  Archibald ceased the tuneless whistling that had been irritating Josiah beyond human endurance, and attempted to make conversation, instead.

“I was very gratified with how the ceremony went, yes Archibald” Josiah confirmed.

“She does a good job, that Samantha, doesn’t she?”

“I have always been very pleased with the work of Ms. Knight” Josiah nodded.

There was a pause, as Archibald negotiated his way through a village main street.  Josiah closed his eyes and muttered a silent prayer.

“She’s a bit of alright an’ all, isn’t she?” Archibald chuckled.

“ARCHIBALD!” Josiah snapped, and then immediately regretted it as the limousine lurched toward the opposite side of the road. “I do beg your pardon; I had no intention of alarming you…”

“I thought we’d hit summat!” Archibald gasped.

“Again, my apologies.  However, what I was going to say was, that I have warned you, on numerous occasions, that you must avoid making inappropriate comments.  This is particularly so when we are discussing professional colleagues”

“Oh, right Mr. O.  Fair enough”

They drove on, in an awkward silence, until;

“She is though, isn’t she?”

“I will concede that Ms. Knight is very attractive, yes Archibald” Josiah realised that he was blushing, slightly, which he thought was ridiculous given his age and status.

“She’s one of them celibates, isn’t she?”  Archibald suggested.

“Is she?”  Josiah was astounded, “I have no idea”

“Well, you must have, surely?” Archibald was confused, “I mean, I thought that’s why you recommended her?”

 “I can assure you, Archibald, that I have never conversed with Ms. Knight on such a personal topic.  Nor would I ever dream of doing so!”

“Oh, right.  Must have got it wrong then” Archibald conceded.

They both stared ahead at the winding country road, Josiah determinedly trying not to apply an imaginary brake.  Suddenly, a thought occurred to him.

“Did you mean, by any chance, that Ms. Knight is a Celebrant?”

“Yeah, that’s it!  Knew it was something like that.  Pretend vicar and stuff”

“I doubt that she would appreciate such a definition.  Someone who wishes to be a Celebrant has to undertake quite onerous training before he or she is allowed to conduct ceremonies.  Ms. Knight is suitably qualified and her extensive experience, coupled with her outstanding interpersonal skills mean that she fulfils her role in an exemplary manner”

“You get a lot more of them, now, don’t you?”  Archibald remarked.

“Celebrants?  Yes, it has become more common and, I must say, although I am something of a traditionalist, that I think it is a welcome development…”

“Particularly if they’re like Samantha!” Archibald suggested.

“I was going to say that I think it is an improvement on the situation that we so often encountered whereby a vicar, who had no knowledge of the deceased, whatsoever, gave a eulogy which implied he was a member of the heavenly host, when everyone knew full well that he was a rogue and scoundrel”

“What, the vicar?”

“No, the deceased!  So many of the departed had never set foot inside a church since their Christening, it made no sense whatsoever to then have a religious ceremony at their passing.  I think the current trend for ceremonies that are either mildly religious, or even not religious at all, are considerably more honest and in keeping”

“For people who run pubs, you mean?”

Conversing with Archibald had many of the aspects of wrestling with a particularly tricky cryptic crossword.  Josiah ran his last remarks back through his memory and then realised.

“Not inn-keeping!  I meant ‘in keeping’ as in more appropriate”

“Oh, right” Archibald considered this for a while, “So, Samantha’s a Celebrant then?”

“That is correct, Archibald.  I have a good deal of admiration for her work, which is why I often recommend her to our clients”

“in that case, what’s a celibate then?”

“Ah, well” Josiah coughed and shuffled his feet as he tried to think of a form of words, “it’s someone who does not participate in the physical side of relationships” He managed, eventually.

“Oh, that was me for years!”  Archibald cheerfully confirmed.

“I think the term usually applies to those who have made a conscious decision not to engage in the physical act, rather than those for whom the opportunity has not yet presented itself” Josiah pointed out.

“Why would anyone do that?”

“Well, I suppose there could be any number of reasons” Josiah pondered, “they may not enjoy it…”

“Gerraway!”  Archibald was shocked.

“Not everyone does, I’m given to understand” Josiah said, firmly, “but there are also those for whom illness or injury makes such activity impossible.  Then there are those who decline to take part for more spiritual reasons, such as those who take a vow of chastity, nuns, monks, priests and so on”

“Not Celebrants though, eh?”  Archibald grinned and nudged his employer.

“Not to the best of my knowledge and belief, Archibald, no”

“I reckon she’s got a soft spot for you!”  Archibald giggled.

“Ms. Knight?  I’m sure you are mistaken, Archibald” Josiah realised that he was blushing, again, “our relationship is purely professional”

“Well, she always reckons to get hold of your arm when she’s walking out of the Crem, doesn’t she?”

“That, I believe, is because the tiled floor, leading past the floral tributes, is invariably wet and slippy and she is concerned that she might fall, given her high heels and so forth”

“Oh ar?”  Archibald grinned, “it’s not wet and slippy out in the car park but she doesn’t reckon to let go of you until she’s at her car, does she?”

“I think you’re reading something into a situation that simply is not there” Josiah snapped, but a seed of doubt had been placed in his mind.

“Well, everyone thinks so.  Even Egbert, and he doesn’t miss much”

“I would hope that my employees had better things to discuss and think about than any putative romantic entanglements which may, or may not, involve their employer!”  Josiah folded his arms and looked pointedly out of the side window.  Some time passed and an awkward silence enveloped the car.  Eventually;

“Been down the pub since they opened up again?” Archibald asked, conversationally.

“I have not, Archibald, nor was it ever my practice to do so” Josiah continued to stare fixedly at the passing countryside.

“Nah, nor me.  Me Nan did.  She was down ‘The King of Prussia’ at 7 on Saturday”

“The first evening eh?” Josiah smiled.

“Evening?  No, she was down there at 7 in the morning!  Set her alarm special.  Two blokes had to carry her back at lunchtime”

“So much for social distancing?”

“Yeah, well, she was never much of a one for all that.” Archibald mused, “apparently they’ve got a one-way system at ‘The King of Prussia’ and she reckons she got lost.  Finished up in the cellar!  Took a bunch of them to get her out”

“They can be tricky places to access, I’m given to understand” Josiah commented.

“No, nothing to do with that.  She kept going back in.  She put one of the blokes, who was trying to get her out, in hospital”

“What an entertaining home life you must experience, Archibald” Josiah observed, sarcastically.

“Me Mam says we’ve got to make allowances on account of her having been through the war”

“Had she been through a war?  I didn’t realise she was that old”

“I don’t know about having been through it, I reckon she probably caused it!” Archibald muttered, grimly.  “Still, there’s one thing about the pubs and restaurants and stuff opening, you could invite that Samantha for a meal” Archibald grinned broadly and winked.

“Thank you for your interest, Archibald, but I think not” Josiah folded his arms again and affected an interest in a passing hedge, but he couldn’t help picturing the alluring vision of Ms. Knight, softly lit by candlelight, at the other side of an immaculately laid table.

Archibald glanced sideways at his employer and smiled broadly.  A few more conversations like this and he might yet win his bet with Egbert!

You can find a lot more about Josiah and Archibald in the new collection of their stories:

'A Dubious Undertaking and other stories'