Testing Times

 

Archibald Thurble whistled happily as he pushed open the heavy door of the storeroom.  Fetching items from the stores was one of the particular pleasures of his life.  He relished the quiet of the room and getting lost in the maze of shelving.  Most of all, he enjoyed the opportunity to be on his own for just a few minutes in the busy working day.

He was rooting through a box containing assorted coffin handles when a voice, just behind him, said,

“What are you looking for, Archibald?”

This had the effect of making him jump a foot in the air, hitting his head on the shelf above.  He turned around, nursing the lump on his scalp, and glared accusingly at his unexpected companion.

“Did I startle you, Archibald?”  Josiah asked.

“You…” Archibald struggled for the right words, “yes, you ruddy did!”  He settled on, eventually.

“I do apologise.  Should I fetch the First Aid Kit?”

“No, no, I’ll be fine” Archibald rubbed his hand over the wounded area and checked for signs of blood.  He was disappointed to find there were none.  “I didn’t know anyone else was in here, that’s all” He said in a hurt tone.

“I’m just checking the stock of a few of our more high-volume items.  It may be necessary to exercise a degree of forward planning with regard to obtaining additional stocks of such items, in view of the likely upturn in demand that we may see in the coming weeks and months” Josiah explained.

“You think it’s going to get bad again, then?”

“It is impossible to predict, with any certainty, but it is definitely the case that the rate of infection is, once again, increasing exponentially, and that may well lead to a higher than normal death rate, once more.” Josiah sighed,  “We are not out of the woods yet, I’m afraid, Archibald.  Take Mrs. Hapeworth, for example”

“Mrs. Hapeworth?  Didn’t she used to be the School Crossing lady?”

“She was indeed, Archibald, a position she occupied for a good many years”

“We used to call her the Lollipop Lady on account of…”

“The School Crossing sign she carried looked somewhat like a giant lollipop, yes, I know Archibald”

“No” Archibald looked puzzled, “it was on account of her giving us lollipops”

“Ah yes, how remiss of me not to have known that!  Well, anyway, she passed away earlier this week”

“What, from this virus thingy?”

“Regrettably so” Josiah confirmed, gloomily.

“But, I only saw her tazzing about on her scooter a few days back!” Archibald protested.

“That is as may be, Archibald, but I assure you that she has shuffled off this mortal coil.  Apparently, she had underlying health issues and her demise was somewhat rapid.”  Josiah consulted his stock sheet before putting it down again and expanding on his theme, “I’m always intrigued as to why people say things such as ‘I only saw him/her the other day’, as if that somehow makes their death any more unlikely, or even inaccurate” He shook his head in bemusement.

“Yeah, well, I just meant…”  Archibald began.

“It even happens in those detective fiction programmes.” Josiah continued, warming to his theme,  “The police tell the bereaved relative that their son/daughter/wife has been murdered and they always say “but I only saw him/her last night’!  Why don’t they say to them, ‘YES, THAT’S BECAUSE THEY WERE MURDERED THIS MORNING’?”

Archibald stared at his employer for a while.  It was unlike him to get so worked up about anything.  Well, to be more accurate, it was unlike him to get so worked up about anything that didn’t involve Archibald.  He decided the wisest course of action would be to change the subject.

“There’ll be a lot of people will want to say goodbye to her” He observed.

“Yes, and unfortunately only a limited number will be able to do so in the present circumstances, albeit more than were allowed at the peak of the outbreak.  Her family are very upset about that and they are finding it hard to come to terms with her sudden demise.  I’ve asked Ms. Knight to go and see them”

“Oh, is she taking the service then?”  Archibald enjoyed Stephanie Knight’s services.

“No, they have asked their local vicar” Josiah explained, a little more calmly, “I thought Ms. Knight could offer some appropriate bereavement counselling, albeit not in those terms and not as a formal part of our offering.  I just think we have a duty to help our customers to come to terms with their loss and Ms. Knight is ideally placed to do so”

“That’s good of you, Mr. O.  It’s a worrying time all round, innit?  I can’t make head or tail of all these rules that keep coming out!”

“It is somewhat confusing, I must agree, Archibald.  The pace of change, coupled with the differing regimes adopted in various parts of the United Kingdom, inevitably give rise to feelings of uncertainty”

“Yeah, like this Rule of Sex for instance”

“This Rule of what?”

“Sex!  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing, or, as you might say, not doing, there” Archibald shook his head.

“I think you may be referring to the so-called Rule of Six, the latest in a series of restrictions aimed at reducing the transmission of infection.  Under that rule, people may only meet in groups of six or less, except in certain circumstances”

“Not sex then?”

“Thankfully not, Archibald.”

“Oh, that’s a relief!  I did wonder ‘cause they said on the news as how it included children in England but not in Scotland and I thought, that can’t be right!”

“You did well to spot that” Josiah said, somewhat sarcastically.

“Have you downloaded that App?”

“App?  What, pray tell, is an App?”

“It’s summat you get on your phone.  You can do stuff with them, like make your mates look like cats on your photos and that” Archibald explained.

“Ah yes, an application.  A type of computer program that enables one’s phone to have certain additional functions.  I take exception to the term ‘app’” Josiah said, with some disgust.

“Well, yeah, any road, there’s this Test and Trace thingy and it can tell you if you’ve been near anyone who’s got it!”

“Near anyone who has got what?  The virus or the Test and Trace ‘thingy’?”  Josiah enquired.

“I dunno.  Both I guess.”  Archibald suggested, “so, I put in my postcode and it said it was ‘High Risk’”

“Did it, indeed?”

“Yeah, I reckon that’s ‘cause of me Nan.”  Archibald explained.

“That would not entirely be a surprise” Josiah agreed. “How is her favourite hostelry coping with the new restrictions?”

“The King of Prussia?  They had a 24-hour-boozeathon before the rules changed.  They reckon you couldn’t move in there for people.  The cop…”  Archibald noted Josiah’s expression, “the Police had to come and break it up.   Luckily, me Nan wasn’t there by then”

“She had, presumably, had the good sense to withdraw from the proceedings when she realised it was becoming unsafe?”  Josiah suggested.

“No, they’d taken her to hospital with alcohol poisoning.  She reckoned she was trying to stock up before the new opening hours”

“I fear that it is incidents of that sort that go a long way toward explaining the current rise in infections and, therefore, the likely increased requirement for our services in the coming months” Josiah sighed.

“Are you really worried about it then, Mr. O.?”

“I’m hopeful that we will not see a return to the worst excesses of the height of the pandemic.”  Josiah said, gloomily, “treatments for those badly affected by the disease have improved and we are able to test and detect infections more readily and, hopefully, deal with infection at an earlier stage.  Nevertheless, any increase in infections will have a deleterious effect on the most vulnerable, such as the late Mrs. Hapeworth”

“Me Mam had one of them tests through the post.  It was a right faff!  She had to shove this thing like a pipe cleaner round her tonsils and then up her nose!  Then you have to put it in this special envelope thingy and get the labels right and stuff and then they send a croupier to come and get it”

“Courier, I would imagine” Josiah suggested.

“Yeah, summat like that.  Mind you, it could have been worse.  Me Nan had one of them bowel test malarkeys.  You know, where you have to put your sh…”  Archibald thought hard about an alternative, “your Number Twos under these cardboard window thingys”

“I’m aware of the procedure, yes Archibald.  A messy but necessary undertaking”

“They were right narked down at the paper shop!”

“Why would that be, Archibald?”

“Well, she’d won on one of them scratchcards, you see and she got the two mixed up.  So she sent the scratchcard to the testing place and…”

“I think I get the picture, Archibald” Josiah said, hurriedly.

“They were quite nice about it at the testing doodah.  They sent her a Thank You card from Barbados!”

“All’s well that ends well, I suppose” Josiah observed.

“Oh yeah, speaking of that, you know we was talking about Dick the other day?”

“I presume you’re referring to Mr. Bundle, the eponymous owner of Dick’s Doughnuts?”  Josiah replied.

“Yeah, him,  and you were saying he’s not a good advert what with being overweight and can’t breathe and stuff?”

“I think my point was that he was putting himself at high risk of serious complications should he be prey to this infection”

“Yeah, well, any road, he’s packed it up!”  Archibald said, triumphantly.

“He’s given up his occupation?”

“Yep, decided to retire.  His daughter’s taking over the business”

“Well, that’s heartening to hear.  Always nice to hear of a family business being passed to the next generation” Josiah smiled.

“Yeah, well, maybe” Archibald looked thoughtful, “only, between you and me…” he looked around the store room, as if to check for eavesdroppers, “she’s not all that bright!”

Josiah stifled a titter at the thought of Archibald casting aspersions on anyone else’s intelligence.

“What, erm, what makes you say that?” He snorted.

“Well, you know how Dick had that slogan?”

“’If it’s got a hole, then it must be a Dick’?  Yes, you advised me last time”

“Right, only she’s decided to have one of her own.  They were painting it above the door when I came in this morning”

“You can’t blame her for wanting to put her own mark on the business” Josiah returned to his stock sheets.

“No, I s’pose not.  I’m just not sure about ‘They ain’t doughnuts if they don’t look like Fanny’s’”

Josiah stopped his study of the stock sheets and looked at his assistant for a few long minutes.

“On the whole, I think I take your point, Archibald.” He said, eventually, “was there something in particular you came to fetch?”

“Oh, ar, yeah.  I need half a dozen of them Victorian brass handles” Archibald confirmed.

“Then I would obtain them, with all speed, Archibald, and return to your duties”

“Right-oh, Mr. O” Archibald rummaged around in one of the cardboard boxes on the shelving, “do you think we should have a slogan, Mr. O.?”

“No, Archibald, I do not” Josiah commenced counting packets of round-headed screws.

“Only, I was thinking, we could have ‘Oakshott and Underwood – for when your hope’s shot and you’re under wood’”

“Good day, Archibald” Josiah replied, tersely.

“See you later, Mr. O.”  Archibald grinned.

You can find a lot more from Josiah and Archibald in their two books, out now for just 99p each (and FREE to read on Kindle Unlimited):

A Dubious Undertaking and other stories

Grave Expectations