Ulf and Sven and the world beating test and trace system

Sven: (offstage) "Ulf. Ulf."

(enter Sven)

Sven: "I've been given £37 billion Ulf."

Ulf: "Are you sure Sven? You're not confusing the number of zeros again, like that summer with the ice cream van when you charged a girl £4,000 for a 99 flake?"

Sven: "That was a faulty calculator Ulf, nothing to do with me. This is bona fide, I've been given the contract to set up a world beating test and trace system. Look, here's the contract."

Ulf: "How did you get that contract, Sven? Do you have a biometric testing company. A background in public health?"

Sven: "I used to sell ice creams to the Health minister's children. But don't worry, I have it all planned out.  I will set up a national centre to coordinate testing and a trained team of professionals to contact those who have been in contact with infected individuals. This will be supported by regional teams to roll out testing programmes and support people to self isolate."

Ulf: "You could do that, Sven. You could do that. But reading the contract carefully it doesn't say anywhere that you have to actually DO any test and tracing. You just need to have systems in place. You could have a system whereby all messages received are just simply ignored. Or stored under a rock. That's a system."

Sven: "But the virus, Ulf. Without a national system of test and trace the virus will spread out of control."

Ulf: "You underestimate people, Sven. The big companies, when they see we are doing absolutely nothing with our money, they will introduce test and trace systems for their own workforces. As will local authorities. And local health trusts."

Sven: "But Ulf, what you're suggesting is immoral. Thousands of people will die unnecessarily. Businesses will fold. The entire economy will be devastated, hospitals overrun."

Ulf: "True Sven. But on the other hand we will have £18.5 billion. EACH. For doing nothing. You can have a lot of Viking-based holidays with £18.5 billion. "

Sven: "You have a point, Ulf. It would be good to have £18.5 billion for doing nothing. And it would be nice to have £18.5 billion to spend on Viking-based holidays."