Banging the Bongos at Blackpool!

Josiah Oakshott, owner and manager of Oakshott and Underwood, Funeral Directors of taste and distinction, surveyed his latest investment with quiet satisfaction.  How it looked, how it felt and just the smell of the thing gave him real pleasure.  This, in his humble opinion, was what the business was all about.

“Nice, innit?”  Archibald Thurble’s unexpected intrusion brought his reverie to a sudden halt.

Abandoning his adulation, Josiah turned to view his employee, who was bouncing from one leg to another as if in desperate need of the toilet facilities.

“I do not think ‘nice’ quite captures the essence of the matter, Archibald” Josiah sniffed.

“Well, no, p’raps not” Archibald conceded, “but it’s kind of difficult to know how to put it, really, innit?  Is it yours?”

“Inasmuch as it belongs to the business, then yes, I suppose it is” Josiah said, with quiet pride.

“Nah, I meant is it yours?  For you to use, style of thing?”

“It most certainly is not!  Do you suppose that I am in need of such an item?”

“No, course not” Archibald shook his head, with unconvincing determination, “I just thought you might have decided to get in early, before the rush, if you get my drift?”

“Archibald, the ‘Vanguard^TM’ is a high-end, handcrafted, mahogany and ebony luxury casket or coffin for the discerning customer.  It is not my personal choice for my own interment but is, in point of fact, a sample to demonstrate what we could, potentially, offer to those of our clients who demand a quality product, irrespective of cost”

“Oh, right!  Sort of, ‘here’s one we made earlier’ sort of thing?”

“Well, I suppose that would be one way of putting it!” Josiah conceded, reluctantly, “from experience, I find that clients who have a certain standard of living also have a certain…”

“Standard of dying?” Archibald suggested, helpfully.

“That was not the precise phrase I was searching for but I suppose it will suffice.  Is your presence here solely to review the company’s latest purchase, or was there something else on your mind?”

“Well, no, you see erm” Archibald shifted his not inconsiderable weight from foot to foot again, “there’s a couple of things I was hoping you could clear up for me?”

“Have you tried a broad-spectrum antibiotic?” Josiah asked, archly.

“No, why would I do that?” Archibald looked suitably puzzled.

“Forgive me, Archibald, it was just my little jest”

“Oh, right!  Any road up, the thing is, what’s all this about this new super villain and should I be really worried?”  Archibald had the look of a bloodhound that had been given bad news.

“Super villain?  What super villain would that be, Archibald?”  Josiah’s years of answering Archibald’s queries had not prepared him for this.

“This Omnicron bloke!  Him what’s going to put us all in hospital if we’re not careful”

“Ah, now I perceive your misconception.  I believe you are referring to the most recent variant of the SARS-Cov-2 virus which causes Covid-19?”

“Am I?”  Archibald looked more puzzled than usual.

“Indeed, you are” Josiah nodded, emphatically.

“Then, how come it’s got a name like a super villain?”

“Because it is not Omnicron but omicron, which happens to be the 15^th letter in the Greek classical alphabet.   The first variant of concern was designated as Alpha, being the first letter in the Greek alphabet and the variant that caused so much consternation earlier this year was dubbed Delta, which is the fourth letter.  This, more recent variant has been christened Omicron”

“How come they’ve got all these Greek names then?  I thought they were named after places”

“Indeed, they were, originally.  However, I think the World Health Organisation felt this was a somewhat pejorative method of classification.  Moreover, I think that, whilst most countries were happy for the classification to mention some other, far away, country or region, they were less than happy when it encompassed their own homeland.  For example, the Alpha variant was originally dubbed the Kent variant, which I imagine was not well received in that particular county.”

“Oh, right.  So, it’s not Omnicron then?  I was expecting summat like that VW Beetle that becomes a bloke, if you know what I mean?”

“I think I have seen the transformation to which you refer in a T.V. commercial”

“Bit disappointing really” Archibald looked crestfallen.

“I think this latest variant may well be more than enough of a problem for all of us, particularly in the run-up to Christmas, without our wishing for the added challenges of super villains”

“Oh yeah, I just hope they don’t shut the boozers again.  If they do, I reckon it would take a converted VW to stop me Nan getting into the King of Prussia”

“We must hope that the roll-out of the third booster vaccination is sufficient to avoid any further limitations on social interaction, although I must own to having doubts” Josiah said, gloomily.

“Oh, I know, I feel like a human pincushion what with them covid jabs and the flu thingy.  They could use me as a dartboard the rate I’m going on”

“Better to be safe, within a given meaning of the word, than sorry, Archibald”

“Yeah, I suppose so” Archibald sighed.

“You mentioned two matters that concerned you?”

“Right, yeah, there was summat else.  The thing is, have I missed it or has Blackpool done a Brexit?”

“Blackpool?”

“Yeah, you know, donkey rides, ice cream, bloody great tower thingy”

“Yes, I’m aware of Blackpool the resort”

“Me Nan used to call it ‘the Last Resort’” Archibald chuckled.

“Very risible, I’m sure, Archibald.  However, I am at a loss to see how it connects to Brexit?”

“Well, it’s like this.  I was hoping that me and Electra…”

“Your young lady” Josiah prompted.

“Yeah, her, I was hoping to take her to this gig there.  There’s this band she likes, you see”

“Would it be a popular beat combo of which I might be aware?” Josiah smiled.

“You what?”

“Is it a group with which I might be familiar?” Josiah explained.

“Well, I dare say they might let you.  They’re very friendly with their fans.  A bit too friendly, I reckon!” Archibald looked concerned.

“What are they called?” Josiah snapped.

“’Irksome Mule’” Archibald replied, “they’re an Alternative band”

“An alternative to what?”

“I dunno” Archibald shrugged, “music maybe?”

“We seem to have somewhat strayed from my original query, which related to the link you appeared to have made between Blackpool and the, regrettably named, Brexit?”  Josiah pointed out.

“Oh ah, yeah, you’re right!  Well, it’s ‘cause I applied for tickets but they said you had to have a passport to go!  Well, that put me in a pickle ‘cause mine’s run out.  I applied for another one but it’s gonna take weeks before I get it and then I thought, ‘‘ang about, how come I need a passport to go to Blackpool?’”

“Hence your query!  You wondered if you had missed the news that Blackpool was no longer a part of the United Kingdom?”

“Yeah, that’s it!  What’s going on, Mr. O.?”

“Well, whilst Blackpool leaving the UK might, in some eyes, be ‘a consummation devoutly to be wish’d’…”  Josiah began.

“You what?”

“My little literary joke, Archibald.  What I was going to say was that the ‘passport’ to which your venue referred would, in fact, be a vaccine passport.  That is to say, evidence that you and your fiancée have received the requisite vaccinations to protect you, and, by extension, others, from covid infection”

“Oh right!  Well, I’ve got all that” Archibald looked relieved, “so, you mean to say I didn’t need to apply for a new passport then?”

“Well, it is always sensible to have a current passport, Archibald.  One never knows when one might have need of one”

“No, one doesn’t” Archibald agreed, thinking that he hadn’t needed his since a boozy weekend in Benidorm.

Josiah decided to curtail his adoration of his new purchase and head back to his office, before he became even more embroiled in Archibald’s queries.  As he strode down the corridor, Archibald skipped after him.

“I wouldn’t mind being a musician, get in a rock band, that kind of thing, what about you Mr. O.?”

“I cannot honestly say that the matter has ever presented itself for my consideration, Archibald”

“I’ve started learning the drums, I’m trying to master the paradiddle at the moment” Archibald explained.

“It’s very commendable to learn a new skill, Archibald.  Well done!”

“Well, it’s a bit of a bugger because you have to get your ‘lefts’ and ‘rights’ sorted out, and I’ve always had a problem with that”

“So I have perceived from your driving” Josiah said, with a grin, “nevertheless, the act of learning is sufficient unto itself.”  Josiah stopped at his office door, “As a matter of fact,” he confided, “in my youth, I used to play the bongos!”

“Really?” Archibald looked surprised, “did you win against them?”

“That will be all, Archibald” Josiah said curtly, snatching the office door open, “I will take my tea, presently, thank you!”

The door slammed shut and Archibald made his casual way back to the Company kitchen.  ‘They must have been quite a team, them Bongos, if he’s still upset about it’ he thought, ‘I’d best get him an extra chocolate biscuit to make up for it’

The first two collections of stories about Archibald and Josiah are available on Amazon for a pittance  - 'A Dubious Undertaking' and 'Grave Expectations' - check them out.