Oh, Christmas Tree!

“On the whole…” The Fairy announced, to no-one in particular.

“Oh gawd, she’s off again!” Groaned a small Santa a few branches down.   A fair degree of sniggering emanated from the lower branches.

“I heard that!” The Fairy said, sharply, “as I was saying, I think, on the whole…” She waited to see if there were to be any more snide remarks.  In their absence, she continued, “this year’s Christmas Tree has worked out quite well.  I know we all feared that we might be faced with a real Tree this year, with all of the attendant problems of creepy-crawlies and shedding…”

“This one sheds, and it’s artificial!” The Santa pointed out.

“Well, yes” The Fairy conceded, “but, be that as it may, I think we can congratulate ourselves on a job well done”

“We didn’t do nothng!” The Santa responded, “’cept sit in a box in the loft for the best part of a year”

“I think we all have our part to play in the magic of Christmas” The Fairy said, regally. “And, if you did ‘nothing’ then you must have done something” She smirked at her own cleverness.

“Easy for you to say, queening it up there on the top” The Santa said, bitterly, “you should get yer knees brown dahn here, lady, on the lower branches.  What have I got to look forward to, eh?  Spending weeks on end looking up these stairs.  Getting brushed past every time one of ‘em goes up and down.  And don’t talk to me about what I see when they’re coming down in their dressing gowns of a morning!”  He shuddered, violently, setting the bells next to him, tinkling. “And that’s summat else that gets on me nerves!" He glared at the bells from the corner of his eye.

“Anyway, as I was saying, I think, on the whole, there have been some marked improvements this year.”  The Fairy attempted to regain control of the conversation, “not the least of which being the removal of the top branch from whence I have been suspended these many years past”

“It was getting past its best” A brightly coloured bird from further down the tree, agreed.

“I did find that it drooped somewhat as the season progressed” The Fairy concurred.

“Drooped!  I’d bloody droop if I’d got a filthy great fairy strapped to me for weeks on end!” The Santa snarled.

“The consequence of which,” The Fairy continued, ignoring the Santa, “was that instead of greeting all and sundry with my ready smile and cheerful countenance, I spent an awfully long time gazing at the floor from a rather frightening perspective”

“Gerrover yerself!” The Santa shouted, “one of my few pleasures in life was watching you dangling there, hoping that elastic band ‘round yer belly would give way and you’d make a nose dive.  ‘Course, that was when I was put somewhere where I could see what was going on, not like now” He scowled.

“Well, I think it has been a great improvement.  I now have a stable anchorage and can see and be seen, as a Fairy should be” The Fairy smiled, contentedly.

“On a point of order…” A small voice from close by interjected.

“Who said that?  Where are you?”  The Fairy asked.

“Begging your pardon, miss, it’s me, just below”

“Yer don’t want to go bowin’ and scrapin’ to the likes of ‘er” The Santa grumbled, “she’s no better than what we are!”

“I think you have acted with proper decorum” The Fairy scowled in the general direction of the Santa, “However, I’m afraid I can’t see you, what with my dress and the branches.  What are you?”

“I’m a nellyphant, miss” The small voice replied.

“An elephant!”  The Fairy exclaimed, “but surely I should be able to see you?”

“Not if it’s the one I’m thinking of” The Santa sniggered, “he’s smaller than me, and that’s saying something”

“A tiny elephant?  How charming!”” The Fairy tried to look down at him, but failed.

“Yes, miss, it’s a contra…a contradick…a contradicksh…, well, it’s a bugger, that’s what it is” The elephant said with feeling, “if there was any justice, I should be striding across the savannah, not stuck up here”

“If you tried striding across the savannah, you’d get trodden on” The Santa snorted. “A fair sized mouse could trample you, no bother”

“You had a point to make, little elephant?” The Fairy suggested, glaring at the Santa.

“Oh yeah” The Elephant nodded, “it was when you were on about your position, up there…”

“Yes?”

“Well, did you know that, from where I am,” The Elephant screwed up its courage and continued in a rush, “I can see right up your dress?” 

“Well, you shouldn’t be looking!” The Fairy snapped.

“Can’t really help it, style of thing” The Elephant remarked, shrugging its tiny shoulders, “it’s the way I’m made”

“Nowt to see, any road, as I recall” The Santa tittered.

“Also,” The Elephant persisted, “did you know you’ve got a fairy light up your jacksy?”

“I am well aware” The Fairy began, sternly, “that a certain illumination has been added to lend, what one might term, an ethereal glow to my accoutrements”

There was a good deal of snorting and sniggering from the lower branches, and the bells started tinkling again.

“Be that as it may” The Fairy said, forcefully, “what I wished to point out was that next year, I will attain the grand age of 70 years old, and I wanted to give you all sufficient time to think about how you would like to mark the occasion”

“70?” The Santa asked, incredulously.

“Indeed, I’m older than most, if not all, of you.  For example, my magnificent dress and wings were tailored in a post-war munitions factory” The Fairy said, with some pride.

“Should be pensioned off, is what I’m thinking” The Santa said, sourly, “’bout time we had something a bit more contemporary up there.  Star maybe? Or even a crescent?  I’ve seen some with them Action Men at the top.  In fact…” He took a deep breath and chanced his arm, “I reckon there’s a good case for having a Santa up there.  Haven’t we had long enough with some superannuated kid’s doll strapped to the top branch” He appealed.

“Oh heck!” The Elephant exclaimed, “I think she’s crying, there’s water dripping from her toe”

“You’d better hope it’s tears, given where you are” The Santa said, darkly.

“I think you’ve been rather harsh!” The brightly coloured bird from lower down remonstrated, “it’s traditional to have a fairy on the top of a Christmas Tree and I think ours has done a sterling job over the years”

“Bloody creep!” The Santa snarled.

“You don’t think she’s going to short out the fairy lights, do you?” The Elephant asked, in a worried tone.

“That would be all we need!” The Santa growled.  “Mind you, it might jazz her hair-do up a bit!” He sniggered.

“I would like to thank my learned friend from the lower branches for her, much valued, support” The Fairy said, between sniffs, “I believe I have always tried my best to crown the tree in a manner which supported all of us, but if it is the tree’s wish that I should step aside…”

There were rumbles of “No, no, not at all” bouncing from branch to branch.

“You two-faced bunch!” The Santa snapped, “you’ve been singing a different tune back in the loft, I know that much!”

“I’m much heartened by your support” The Fairy snuffled, “and I promise to do my duty, for as long as my strength and stamina allow”

“Oh my gawd! Play the bleedin’ National Anthem someone!” The Santa muttered, nastily.

“Isn’t there a chimney, somewhere, you should be falling down?”  The Fairy asked, sharply.

“Oh, get stuffed!” The Santa growled.

“I don’t think there’s any need for that sort of language” The brightly coloured bird, which might have been a sort of pheasant, said with some feeling.

“May I take it that you are all in favour of my continuing to represent the tree, as a whole?”  The Fairy asked, hopefully.

There were shouts of “Yes!” and “Hear, hear!” from the body of the tree.

“Sycophants!”  The Santa snarled.

“Oh yeah, me too” The Elephant nodded, “they get up your trunk, behind your ears, between your toes, they’re a nightmare”

“What are you talking about?”  The Santa snapped.

“Ants!”  The Elephant replied, “I’m sick of them an’ all”

“Forget Twelfth Night!”  The Santa pleaded, “put me in my box, now!”

“It shall be done!” The Fairy commanded, waving the hand that used to hold her wand (until it went missing in the great move of 1970.)  Nothing happened but it made her feel a bit better.

This is the first of three Christmas stories for 2022 - you can find the second 'It's A Cracker! Isn't It?' by following the link