The Trouble with Horace Dimchurch

You can catch up on the first two episodes of this trilogy by reading 'Drumming Up The Christmas Trade' and 'A Subsequent Engagement'

Archibald Thurble was out of sorts!  Well, that’s what his mam had said to him when she’d packed him off to work this morning, despite his reluctance, and with much grumbling and moaning.  In all honesty, he couldn’t remember ever having been in sorts but, given how he felt at the moment, he reckoned she could be right.

Just now, he was trying to keep out of the way, by finding things to do in the stockroom.  Here, amongst the shelves of coffin adornments, various urns for the ashes of the deceased , ‘In Memoriam’ grave ornaments and flower holders, he felt slightly more at peace than he had done for quite a few days.

These were tricky times at Oakshott and Underwood.  Josiah Oakshott and Samantha Knight had both disappeared from the premises, shortly after Archibald had left them alone in Mr. Oakshott’s office.  This was pretty odd, as Mr. O. was normally a permanent fixture on-site and rarely had a day off for either holiday or illness.  It was also particularly bad news for Horace Dimchurch.  

Horace was known as ‘Stealth’ by the lads in the firm, short for ‘Stealth Bomber’.  This wasn’t because he was sleek, sophisticated and cutting edge, but rather because he had made an art form of always travelling ‘under the radar’, so that, when any work was being doled out, or volunteers sought, Horace was nowhere to be seen.  They reckoned even Mrs. Dimchurch would be hard put to describe him.

It was, therefore, most unfortunate that, by virtue of having become the longest-serving employee (a direct outcome of never being noticed by anyone) he had consequently been chosen by Josiah to lead the firm in his absence.  The howl of anguish when he found the note from Josiah in his pigeonhole, telling him he was now ‘in loco parentis’, had been the talk of the business ever since.  From then on, he had been in a virtual catatonic state, holed up in Josiah’s office, rocking slowly backward and forward in one corner.  Any requests for direction or assistance were met with a low moan.

All of the above, went some way to explaining Archibald being ‘out of sorts’.  Not least because he couldn’t shake off the feeling that, somehow, he was responsible for all of this.  Shuffling some imitation brass handles around in a drawer, in a desultory fashion, he came to the conclusion that something must be done and, in the absence of anyone else taking responsibility (least of all, Horace Dimchurch) it would have to be him!

A little while later, having walked out of Oakshott and Underwood without a word to anyone (or anyone noticing}, he found himself on the street of Victorian grand houses, which contained the domicile of Josiah Oakshott.  He took a deep breath, swallowed hard, climbed the three stone steps to the front door and pressed the ancient bell push.  Somewhere in the bowels of the home, a bell clanged.  Archibald fidgeted as he waited, pushing his hands deep into the pockets of his overcoat, trying to draw some comfort in a distinctly uncomfortable situation.

A series of heavy footsteps making their way down the passageway, presaged the appearance of the occupier.  The door creaked open.

“Archibald!” Josiah exclaimed, genuinely surprised.

“’Lo, Mr. O.” Archibald replied, bashfully.

“There isn’t a problem, is there?”  Josiah frowned.

“No, no, not really” Archibald shuffled his feet and looked miserable, “I just wanted to check that you’re…well, alright I suppose?”

“I’m fine, Archibald, thank you” Josiah confirmed.

“It’s just” Archibald swallowed hard and hunted for the right words, “I sort of feel kind of…responsible!” He managed.

“Oh, Archibald!  There is really no need…” Josiah began, then, “look, this is not the sort of thing to be discussed idly on the doorstep, please do come in” He stood to one side in invitation.

“Thanks Mr. O.” Archibald trudged up the steps and edged into the hallway.

“Please, go through into the front room” Josiah directed. 

Archibald marched into the room, which he found instantly familiar from his Christmas visit a few years ago.  There were two armchairs, either side of a tiled fireplace containing a glowing open fire.  In the corner of the room was a, considerably outdated, television.  By one wall, a large dark antique sideboard loomed, by the other, a couple of dining chairs flanked a well-stocked bookcase.

“Can I get you a drink, Archibald?” Josiah queried.

“Oh, right” Archibald cheered up, considerably, “I could go a brand and invisible coke, if there’s one going?”

Josiah coughed in surprise, “The sun is quite a long way from the yard arm, Archibald and we are still within normal office hours!” He admonished, “I really had in mind a cup of tea or, perhaps, coffee?”

“Oh yeah, course” Archibald nodded, “do you want me to do it?” Archibald had the regular task of supplying Josiah’s tea and coffee at work.

Josiah considered the probable consequences of letting Archibald loose amongst his porcelain and Darjeeling and shuddered.

“Not at all, Archibald” He said, quickly, “you are, after all, my guest.  Tea?”

“That would be just the ticket, Mr. O.” Archibald agreed.

“Please, be seated, take your coat off and make yourself at home.  I’ll go and prepare the tea things” Josiah set off down the passageway.

Archibald took off his coat, draped it over the back of the armchair and, settling heavily into the soft furnishing, warmed himself by the fire.

After a few moments, Josiah reappeared.

“The kettle is on and all is in preparation” He beamed, “tell me, how are things back at the coalface?”

“You mean, back at work?” Archibald frowned, “it’s erm…different!” He offered.

“Mr. Dimchurch managing well?”  Josiah wondered.

“Erm” Archibald looked up at the ceiling and considered his response, finally opting for, “not so’s you’d notice!”

“Really?” Josiah looked surprised, “I assumed that a man of his experience would take to it like a duck to water!”

“He’s been more like a brick to water, to be honest!”  Archibald responded, glumly.

“Oh, my goodness!” Josiah looked shocked, “I had no idea”

“It’s not really his fault, to be fair,” Archibald conceded, “he’s just never had to take charge of nothing, not ever!”

“This is entirely my fault, Archibald” Josiah shook his head, mournfully, “I naturally assumed, on consulting the payroll and finding that he was now our longest-serving employee, that he would be the ideal candidate to fill in for me, at short notice”

“He just sits in your office, moaning” Archibald said, glumly.

“Well, I think we all have the odd grumble from time to time” Josiah said, trying to make light of it.

“No, I mean moaning, like “Oooohwaaaahoooaaagh” style of thing” Archibald’s impression rose the hairs on the back of Josiah’s neck.  A dog, a few doors away, decided to join in.

Just then, the door from the front room into the passageway opened slowly, and a tray containing cups, saucers, biscuits and teapot edged into the room, closely followed by Samantha Knight.  Archibald glanced to his right, saw the tray and was about to tell Josiah something else, when he spotted Ms. Knight and jumped a foot in the air.

“Strewth!” He yelped.

“Did I surprise you, Archibald?” Samantha chuckled, “and don’t get used to this, Josiah, I’m only serving the tea so that you can interrogate Archibald”

“Interrogate?” Josiah looked surprised, “I hardly think so, my dear”

“Hmm” Samantha looked unconvinced, “how are you, Archibald?  Is everything all right?  There was a disturbing sound like something in extreme pain a moment ago?”

“M…M…Ms. Knight!”  Archibald looked dumbfounded and found himself involuntarily rising from his seat.

“Guilty as charged!”  Samantha beamed, “please don’t get up, there’s really no need”

“I wasn’t…I wasn’t expecting you” Archibald explained.

“Josiah should have told you” She frowned in his direction, “I take it there’s a problem back at the ranch, if you’re here?”

“Archibald was just telling me that Horace Dimchurch has not proven to be as reliable as we had hoped” Josiah explained, getting up to fetch one of the dining chairs for Samantha.

“Well, quelle surprise!” Samantha responded, sarcastically, settling herself into Josiah’s armchair, “I told you that it was a gamble just picking someone from the payroll like that!”  She shook her head as she poured out the tea, “you should have given Archie a chance” She suggested, slyly.

“Oh no!” Archibald yelped, “no, definitely not!”

Josiah looked at Samantha, now firmly ensconced on his armchair, briefly raised an eyebrow then shrugged and perched himself on the dining chair.  A thought occurred to him,

“If things are as bad as you say, how did the Fawcett funeral go?” Josiah asked, looking alarmed.

“Oh, that went alright” Archibald accepted a cup from Samantha and sipped, gratefully, “we kind of sorted it out amongst ourselves.  Egbert did a cracking job leading the funeral procession”

“Egbert did?” Josiah looked amazed.

“Yeah, he really stepped up to the mark” Archibald nodded.

“And Mr. Dimchurch, where was he in all of this?”  Josiah asked.

“In your office, rocking back and forth in a corner” Archibald stated, matter-of-factly, “mind if I have a biscuit?”

“Please do” Samantha beamed at him, then turned to Josiah, “this is clearly an untenable situation, Josiah, you’ll have to go back to the office”

“I was about to say the same thing” Josiah nodded, gloomily.

“I think we all wondered what had happened when you…well, when you both went like that” Archibald admitted, between bites at the biscuit.

“Ah yes, a fair point” Samantha nodded and looked at Josiah, who blushed.

“Well, erm…as you know…” Josiah began.

“You were proposing to Ms. Knight” Archibald reminded him, slurping his tea, gratefully.

“Yes, quite” Josiah nodded, still blushing deeply.

“Only I thought…”  Archibald took a swig of tea, swallowed hard, and continued, “well, I thought I’d kind of pushed you into it and that’s why you’d both cleared off!”

“Oh no, Archibald,” Samantha leant over and patted his hand, “nothing of the sort!”

“It wasn’t quite like that…” Josiah began.

“The thing is, Archibald,” Samantha interrupted him, “someone dropping down onto one knee and thrusting a ring at you, it’s not really a sound basis on which to make such a profound decision as to whether to marry that person, or not, is it?”

“As you pointed out to me, at the time” Josiah commented, a little sniffily.

“Well, that’s what you do, innit?” Archibald looked puzzled. “It’s sort of what I did!”

Samantha and Josiah exchanged a look.  Archibald and Electra’s engagement had been long, with no apparent sign of culmination, and not without its difficulties.

“It is a very romantic gesture, and I’m not decrying it for one moment” Samantha shook her head, “but it would be so easy to be pressurised by the drama of the situation and say “yes” without really thinking the matter through”

“As you also pointed out to me” Josiah said, tersely.

“So, it wasn’t the right thing to do?”  Archibald looked confused.

“Well…” Samantha thought for a moment, “it certainly brought matters to a head!” She conceded.

“Ms. Knight…Samantha” Josiah corrected himself, “suggested that, rather than be caught up in the romantic drama of the situation, we should calmly and carefully consider our options, which is why we elected to take a few days away from Oakshott and Underwood, albeit it at rather short notice!”

“That’s correct” Samantha nodded, “I’m sorry that we didn’t properly consider the difficulties that might be caused by our absence.”

“I can promise you, Archibald, that I will be back in the office first thing tomorrow and all of this will be sorted out” Josiah said, firmly, “not the least of the things to be sorted out will be Mr. Dimchurch!”

“Don’t be too hard on him, Mr. O.” Archibald suggested, “he’s never been much cop!”

“Well, why didn’t you tell me before?”  Josiah queried.

“You can’t just dob someone in, just ‘cause they’re not up to much!” Archibald replied, stoutly.

“But, if he’s not doing his job, then he’s making extra work for everyone else!”  Josiah exclaimed.

“Well, yeah, but even so…” Archibald took refuge in his cup of tea.

“Can I get you any more tea, Archibald?” Samantha enquired, sweetly.

“Nah, it’s all right Ms. Knight” Archibald shook his head, “I really ought to be getting back.  I didn’t tell anyone I was going”

“You didn’t tell anyone…?”  Josiah looked astounded.

“It was kind of a… spur of the moment thing” Archibald explained, snaffling another biscuit.

“Nevertheless, the professional approach would have been to inform one of your colleagues of your intentions.  What if there was a fire, for example, and they were searching for you?”  Josiah frowned.

“I think” Samantha interjected, laying a calming hand on Josiah’s, “that we could be held to have been just as guilty when we disappeared the other day?”

“Well…” Josiah spluttered, “it is my business when all is said and done!”

“But the same criticism could be applied, could it not?  Had there been a fire, our whereabouts would have been equally unknown” Samantha pointed out, reasonably.

“’’Cept for Horace Dimchurch” Archibald sniggered, mid biscuit.

“I suppose that is a fair point!” Josiah conceded, with a sigh.

“Any road, I’d better get back” Archibald rose and hauled his overcoat on, “It’ll be knocking off time, soon” He pointed out, with a grin.

“Allow me to see you out” Josiah followed him down the passageway, with Samantha close behind.

“There’s just one thing,” Archibald said, turning to look at his hosts, and with one hand on the door knob, “I didn’t ask you what happened?”

“What happened when?” Josiah looked puzzled.

“Oh, don’t be so obtuse, Josiah!” Samantha chuckled, “I take it you mean this, Archibald?”  She held up her left hand, which now sported the glittering ring Archibald had last seen in the box on Josiah’s desk.

“Oh, brilliant!” Archibald beamed, “congratulations!”

“Thank you, Archibald, you’re a sweetheart!” Samantha leant forward and pecked him on the cheek, generating a blush of seismic proportions.

“Erm yes, thank you Archibald” Josiah said, gruffly, “however, I would appreciate it if you could keep this news to yourself for the time being?”  He looked expectantly at his employee, “we would much prefer to make a formal announcement on our return”

“Oh, yeah, no problem” Archibald nodded, making his way down the steps.

“Another thing, Archibald” Josiah said, quickly, before he departed, “I would be obliged if you could keep the news of my imminent return from Mr. Dimchurch”

“Oh, definitely!” Archibald snorted, “I wouldn’t miss seeing that for the world!”

“I think some staff appraisals are long overdue, commencing with Horace Dimchurch” Josiah frowned.

“Right you are, Mr. O.!” Archibald said, cheerfully, as he set off back to work. 

‘Poor old ‘Stealth’’ he mused to himself, ‘he’ll never know what’s hit him!  Oh well, it never rains but what it pours, as me Nan says!’  He bounced along the pavement and discovered he was skipping a little.  ‘Pretty soon’ he thought, ‘Mr. O. will be back in his office, and all will be right with the world!’ 

He found that thought a lot more comforting than he had expected.