"The Abused Becomes the Abuser"

He lied to me. Now it was my turn. 

I had messages after messages and alibis that he couldn’t refuse. I had a distant friend who he had contacted. She sent me the screen shots and I set him up for failure.

He raved on for months about how he is a changed person and has that new mindset, I never believed him. He cheated on me, he always did and always will. It isn't in his blood to "change." It was simply a mindselt he made to make himself feel better about the person he is.

Once I had the evidence of the handfuls of women he had fucked, he was backed into a corner that he could not escape from. I did what I had to do, I broke him. 

I could hear his voice breaking and his mental state crumbling through the phone. I loved it. I loved how he sobbed and begged me to take him back, I loved how he said he thought he could trust me and revealed deep parts of himself to me. I reveled in how he said I took advantage of his emotions and how he wanted to end his life. In fact, I told him to.

If I had a dollar for every time he told me he was going to kill himself, I would be a rich woman. So I told him to, it wasn’t like he was going to do it. He never learns. He needed to be taught a lesson, he needed to feel how he made me feel.

The betrayal, the need for revenge, and the lack of will to live. I wanted him to feel all of it. I wanted him to feel like there was nothing left for him and that he is the problem and the only way to solve the problem was to get rid of himself. It is how I felt. 

The pain in his voice and in his eyes filled me with joy. I loved it. I loved the power I possessed and the control I could make over someone. He still didn’t learn. I still get messages from him asking to go out even as friends. No, never ever again. You don’t have to tell me I am sick, I know it. 

To this day I still don't know whether I was in love with him or not. I know I did love him, I loved the image of the person I created in my head. I loved the person who I thought he was, before I found out his real intentions. 

My advice is never get involved with a mommys boy. It is said that they will treat you how they treat their mother, this is not wrong. They will spoil you and listen to you, but the sad face behind a mommas boy is their underlying mommy issues. They seek the needs their mother could not fulfill in you, you are never enough and nothing you ever do will be good enough. Save yourself the stress. 

*Edited portion of a chapter from my book in progress*