Invisible War

An invisible war I’m constantly fighting

Incessantly

And never ending

 

A warped version of myself in my head

The part of me that’s sick

Has always been sick

 

The drowning

The never-ending drowning

The screaming

The never-ending screaming

Screaming with no sound

Why is my mind always so loud?

 

Aching deep down to my bones

To my very atoms

The microcosm of my soul

 

Exhaustion and bleary eyes

No matter how much I sleep

No matter how much I try

 

Sleeping more than I’m awake

The constant throbbing

The constant ache

Too many thoughts

My head is full

The world around me is desaturated and dull

 

The escalation

The fist around my heart

Around my lungs

I cannot speak

Or breathe at all

 

Disassociation

Is it me or is it the medication?

 

Loss of drive

 

Loss of sense

 

Loss of purpose

 

Loss of time

 

Who am I?

I don’t know anymore

I don’t know when I closed that door

When did I become an empty shell

Lost and swirling in my own personal hell?

 

What brought me joy

Now brings me numbness and pain

Will I ever do those things

Will I ever be ‘me’ again?

 

Yearning for who I was

For what I’ve loved

For what I’ve lost

 

Sitting

Rotting

To pass the time away

To pass my life away

 

No motivation

No ability to function

It’s so hard being sick

It’s so hard being human