My Girlfriend's Twelve Days of Christmas Cheer

On the first day of Christmas

my true love gave to me

an egg nog-flavored kiss

with a sticky saliva wrapping

On the second day of Christmas

my true love gave to me

two, wick-less, accent candles

dripping with a bourbon scent

On the third day of Christmas

my true love gave to me

three slices of spicy, Rum cake

drooled with a dark sherry glaze

On the fourth day of Christmas

my tipsy, true love gave to me

four French birds, and the

middle nail was stained with champagne

On the fifth day of Christmas

my true love with gastronomic flare

unceremoniously presented to me

five barely-toasted ducks

seething in a Cabernet sauce

On the sixth day of Christmas

my now blue love gave to me

six, wilting poinsettias

poached from the liquor store

On the seventh day of Christmas

my now sentimental love gave to me

seven clumsy taps on my bare rear end

On the eighth day of Christmas

my now dizzy love gave to me

eight, grainy wedding negatives

from her drunken reception party

On the ninth day of Christmas

my now part-time love gave to me

nine of her past boy friend's gifts

wrapped in shriveled newspaper

On the tenth day of Christmas

my now gassed love gave to me

ten shrill notes from her high

school flutophone

On the eleventh day of Christmas

my now forgetful love gave to me

eleven urgent texts from her phone

reminding me, no presents this year

On the twelfth day of Christmas

my now passed-out love gave to me

twelve ghastly snorts from her drunken slumber