My Titillated Date's Showcase

It was that time of year again!
Christmas parties and holiday
bashes abounded. Being a bachelor,
I dreaded the formal festivities. I had
to have a glitzy, but presentable, date
to ingratiate my family, friends, and
co-workers. Desperate to get a dame
that fitted the bill, I asked my long-time
friend for a referral. He told me about
an elegant dame that worked at his
office. He gave me her number and I
called her immediately. I asked her if
she liked to attend formal Christmas
festivities. She said that she did. I
impressed her with my job position,
and sent her over an email with an
attached picture of myself. She liked
what she saw and heard, and consented
to accompany me on my party ritual that
Christmas eve. After I hung up the phone
with my newly-minted escort, my friend
called me back. He informed me that there
was something that I should know about my
new, glamorous date. He warned me in a
strident manner not to let her imbibe.
Confused and confounded, I asked him
if a low-alcohol egg nog was alright. He
paused for ten seconds, and then mumbled
maybe. Laughing off his admonition, I
prepared to impress my friends, family,
and co-workers with my new-found date.
On Christmas eve, I picked her up. She
was glossed up like a store-window model.
With a determined spirit, we set off to
tackle the demanding, party schedule.
With little difficulty, we polished off
the first three parties. Before we arrived,
at the fourth party, I told my date that
this was a special venue for me. I told
her that my parents, boss, and close
friends would be present at the party.
With little fanfare we made our appearance.
We slowly mingled among the guests,
our sober minds pairing with the decorum,
glittering garments baring our pageantry,
and cold glances shattering the silence.
The year's warmed-over experiences were
glibly recounted by stiff acquaintances,
then my debonaire date petitioned an egg nog.
I walked over to the punch table and fetched it.
As a graceful waiter, I presented it to her in style,
without aplomb, she guzzled down every drop,
suddenly her bland face broke into a smile
her graceful neck buckled; her head bobbed.
I saw the sticky saliva on the roof of her mouth;
her steady gait swung open, and her hips swayed.
My stern boss ambled over to our dark corner;
she slurred a carefree greeting, then
wrapped her arms around my neck
He reminded me of an important deadline, then
quickly sauntered away shaking his head.
My puritan mom noticed my elegant form, and came
over. My date rubbed her exposed chest and jealously
retorted, " and who might you be?" My mother drew
back in horror. I nervously introduced my mother.
My tipsy dame snorted in a delirious manner.
She patted my bottom and blurted, " he is a chip off
the old block". In mock-derision my mother cocked
her neck, then curtsied away. Now in a fit of panic,
I grabbed my date's arm and dragged her to the lobby.
There stood my snooty, enriched ex-wife. Recognizing
her mug shot from my album, my date let out an
exaggerated sigh.
She then pressed her partially-exposed bosom
against my pounding chest. My ex-wife let
out a giddy chuckle, and then made for the door.
Now terminally humiliated, I pushed my date out
the door into the parking lot. We walked at a brisk
pace, until my serpentining date ran into my
Catholic priest. Shocked, he threw up his hands in dismay.
My dizzy date let out a shrill scream. I quickly
separated the two. Seeing the priest collar, my
date gave a Catholic salute swabbing her head
and tracing the rim of her chest with her clumsy
fingers. After giving me a stern stare, my priest
cleared his throat, and in a huff strolled away.
Understanding the relations I had strained, I
wasted no more of my fleeting clout. I picked
up my tipsy-turvy date, and carried her quickly
to the car. I rushed her back to her apartment.
During the thirty minute drive, she sobered up.
After I opened her door, she politely invited me
to come into her house for a night cap. In mock-
jest, I told her that we should wait until the
second date. Thinking me a prude, she told
me that she would bring along a bottle next
time to loosen me up.