Shirt Envy

(Man#2 is sitting at one side of a bench waiting for the bus. There is no one else around. Man#1 enters and sits on the other side of the bench.)

Man#1
Hey. I like your shirt.

Man#2
Oh, thanks. I just got it at the Gap.

Man#1
Actually, I would say I love that shirt. It looks
amazing.

Man#2
Well, thank you, I thought so.

Man#1
I know so. I have seen a lot of shirts today and none of them even compare to what you’re wearing now.

Man#2
You are just too nice. Thank you so much.

Man#1
I’m not just being nice, I am completely honest. In fact, I would say that is the best shirt I have ever seen.

Man#2
Oh, stop. You are just too much.

Man#1
No! That shirt is too much. I would wager that no other cloth in history compares in any way to the greatness that is that shirt.

Man#2
Okay, wow. I am just running out of way to say thank you.

Man#1
Then don’t! I should be thanking you.

Man#2
Oh.

Man#1
I now have greater purpose in life.

Man#2
Really?

Man#1
Yes! Within that complex weave upon your chest I see the beauty of life in an ultimately ugly world.

Man#2
I was going for summer colors, but that works too.

Man#1
I may never work again. Today I have witnessed beauty beyond my wildest imagining.

Man#2
Woah, let’s not be hasty. It’s just a shirt.

Man#1
Just a shirt?

Man#2
Yeah, just a shirt.

Man#1
I don’t think you fully understand how much I love that shirt.

Man#2
I’m getting an idea.

Man#1
That shirt has filled me with so much complex emotions that I don’t know whether I want to cry, hug you, run away, or punch you in the face.

Man#2
Running away sounds good.

Man#1
No! I have seen the light and day of a thousand universes. You can’t take that away.

Man#2
What?!

Man#1
I have expanded myself beyond normal restrictions of human thought!

Man#2
It’s just a shirt!

Man#1
The secret to eternity has been promised to me if I am the shirt’s one and true servant!

Man#2
Fine! Whatever. Take it!

(Man#2 strips his shirt quickly and throws it at Man#1)

Man#1
You…are…giving me this shirt?

Man#2
Well, if you’ve been promised the secret to eternity or whatever, I really see no other choice! It’s not like there were 50 others for 10 dollars each at the Gap! No! That would be insane.

(Man#1 punches Man#2 in the face)

Man#1
Oh, sorry. I meant to hug you.

Man#2
Argh!!!

(Man#2 angrily walks off stage to a different bus stop, or perhaps the police. Man#1 puts on the shirt and sits down on the bench. Man#3 enters and sits down at the bus stop.)

Man#3
Hey. I like your shirt.

Man#2
Oh, thanks. I just got it at the gap.
(Curtain.)