Not your standard essay

"How to write a college entry essay"
(and other things you should know)

When writing your college essay,
remember these few tips:
They care not what you learned-
but what you've DONE.

As you consider where to apply,
make sure that you send away to all the places that your mother
wished she had gone,
so that she can live vicariously through you&;#8230;

Talk about how you were student body president,
and how you volunteered at all of the PTA's craft shows
Mention that you played in the Orchestra, the Symphonic Band &;
Girls' Choir
and sat in on the Jazz Band when the baritone sax guy was sick

Don't forget about the National Honor Society
or the time you went on a bottle drive to pay for band camp &; got
bit by a dog.
Tell them about the four years you worked props
on the school play (although you really wanted to be out on the
stage)

While you're at it, you could tell 'em what a team player you
are--
be sure to include all the sports that you played&;#8230;
Tell them how Todd Windham took your virginity under the
bleachers
the night of the homecoming dance your sophomore year.

I suppose they'd enjoy hearing about how they nominated you for
homecoming queen
with the "smelly guy" from homeroom as king,
just cuz they thought it was funny.

You may as well mention the salutatorian from the year before
who blew his brains out in your friends' bathroom
and your true love that died a week before your senior prom.

Last but not least, don't forget to tell them about all the things you
aspire to do
after you abort the fatherless child in your womb.
Make your Ms. America speech about how you plan to save the world
and then when you're finished . . . Don't forget your conclusion!
any well-constructed essay needs its
concluding paragraph.
Mrs. Smith would turn in her English-teacher grave if you forgot your
conclusion!