How Johnny Found God

My fist struck the front of the CD player with some force. "For fucks sake just play the fucking thing!" After several more vicious strikes the machine recognised the disc and the feral thrash guitar came forcefully through the speakers.

"Turn it up," Johnny said, "turn it up!"

I fingered the dial and wrenched it to maximum as the growling vocals kicked in. "Wopen tha woor jehova you whoooooooooore." Johnny and i smiled at each other as my Dad came crashing through the door "what the bloody hell is that noise?"

"Noise, dad?" I shouted over the music, "that's Deicide!"

"Just bloody turn it down, the Brigadier will be here soon." Since joining the parish council Dad had lots of meetings with important people in the community. "In fact, just turn it off and go out, the weather is too nice to be indoors." Roughly translated "get out before you and your dopey friend embarrass me in front of people I’m trying to impress."

Johnny just grinned, lucky for him he was facing away from Dad. Johnny's grin just put me into hysterics. "Just go out!" Dad shouted as he walked out the door.

The next we knew the electricity had gone off, a favourite trick of Dads when I played my guitar too loud. "Fucking hell," I said and we got up and stomped out, acoustic guitars in hand.

We walked the streets of my village, a small hamlet a few miles from the nearest town, population four hundred. At the phone box we called up Rachel and Steve to come meet us and bring some beers. Johnny lit a cigarette and handed me one. "Not here, dude, someone will grass me to my parents." I put on a mock old man voice "I saw your Matt today, smoking he was with that degenerate friend of his, all leather jackets and torn jeans I can't believe you let him out like that blah blah blah."

"Pussy," was Johnny's only reply.

We walked down the road and then took the field footpath to the river, crossed the old foot bridge and down to the weir pool. Next to the weir pool was a wheat field, we sat on the bank of the river, lit cigarettes and just sat back watching the world go by.

After about thirty minutes Rachel and Steve arrived along with Stubbs. "Hey guys," Steve started to say before Johnny cut him off with "where's the beer?"

"Hi guys, how you doing?" I said as Steve took his guitar out of it's case and tuned up. He began strumming a few chords and I joined him, Johnny took lead duties. We sang and played and drank for a while before Johnny announced "I'm going for a piss." He wandered off through the wheat whilst Steve and I jammed some more, Stubbs passed the beers around and Rachel just laid there sunning herself. She was kind of pretty but had an amazing body for an awkward sixteen year old, curvy and full in all the right places.

Johnny came stumbling back through the wheat, a cigarette hung on his bottom lip. "Fucking pissed on my shoes!" We laughed, he scowled. "It's not fucking funny, you bastards."

"If you didn't want us to laugh and take the piss you shouldn't've said anything, numb nuts," I told him.

"Fucker," was his only reply. He picked up his guitar and played some riff he'd been working on, Steve hit some chords that almost kind of fitted in and I made some lyrics up on the spot. Stubbs downed another beer and Rachel tried some harmony vocals.

"We'll keep that one," I said, "anyone remember the lyrics?"

"Idiot," was Johnny's reply. He went to light another cigarette. "Where's my fucking lighter? Shit I bet I dropped the fucking thing." He jumped to his feet throwing his guitar down as he rose. He turned and headed back into the wheat field following the path he had taken before.

"Try not to piss on yourself again," Stubbs shouted after him. As we watched Johnny walking further and further into the field we spoke of how he's never going to find the lighter and Rachel went on about how much of a prick she thought Johnny was.

"Hallelujah!"

"What?" Stubbs looked up from his beer can as we turned to face Johnny in the field. He was dancing around and waving his hands in the air shouting hallelujah over and over again. Next thing he was running back towards us. As he came out of the field he stopped shouting hallelujah and said "I found it! I don't know how but I found it!"

"You found it because you went the way you came, so it was kinda obvious that you'd find it," Stubbs said.

"Fuck you! God helped me find it! He wanted to prove to me he existed and he has!"

"So, you've found God by finding your lighter, by walking the EXACT same path you took before?" I said.

"Yes!"

"So all your years of belittling Christians and other faiths and now with one small, um, thing, you've found God," Steve said.

"Yes! Don't take the piss. He helped me to find it, wanted me to, to prove his existence."

"Prick," Rachel said.

"Fuck off, ginger."

"Now now, tolerance for others," she said.

"Yeah, Johnny, don't..." Johnny cut me off, "don't what? I've had a religious experience and you fucks are just pissing on me!"

"You did a good job of that yourself..." Stubbs deadpanned.

"Fuck you!" Johnny picked up his guitar, turned on his heel and stomped off. "Bastards the lot of ya!"

Stubbs handed the beers around, I lit another cigarette, Rachel turned over to sun her back and Steve played guitar.