white noise

Thanks, haha. Wrote this late last night when I felt incapable of being myself, growing up to be myself, or even reaching the remote point of honesty with others. Had to listen to one of my best friends get called a faggot the other day, because he decides to have pink hair, wear skirts, etc. Had to listen to boys snicker in the back of my classroom about how I'm a shemale. Have to put up with these things day to day because if you speak up, worse things could happen. And if you speak up, then you'll be the one catching the blame anyhow. I'll be disowned, most likely, for being transgender and gay. I'll be shot down, out of my hometown and the rest of my family, for such, too. I'll have to worry about violence and acceptance and all of those other things for the rest of my life, all because I would hope to be myself.

Being safe in this town is pretty hard. You can never tell whether someone is simply gonna yell things at you, or actually take up violence. My friends and I already try to travel together, make sure we're not staying after school alone, etc. but it doesn't always work out. I have to unlock my car manually, and two out of the five days of the week, I have to arrive to school early for student council meetings. Nobody's around at that time. I also stay after school for some student council events, along with having to make up for some classes, seeing as the amount of time I've missed all in all with the hospital, me skipping now, etc. It's scary, having to try to watch your own back, and not flinch at the sounds of footsteps behind you, wondering if it's someone following you or someone simply walking to their car, too. It sucks. The world shouldn't have to be like this, but sadly, others make it so.

It is one of the best things. I've been very lucky ever since going into high school about finding people who actually are alike me, and interested in the same things. Also been very blessed to find people I can trust now; was in a very dark mood last night, texted my friend, and he cheered me up (and proceeded to text me until I fell asleep, which was a big relief). I also try and take 'safety measures' like telling my mum when I'm leaving for school, when I get there, etc. and now I think I'm going to add to telling her when I start walking to school/out to my car, seeing as that could be one of the biggest things as for safety.