This is not a game

I slip through the secret passage, silent in my stockinged feet. I pull nervously at my collar and offer up a silent prayer. My hand is on the lever to open the hidden panel when there is a noise behind me. I spin round.

I hear the rustle of silk, red silk, and smell the familiar, distinctive perfume. “What are you doing here, Miss?”

“I could ask you the same, Reverend. Is that a gun in your pocket or...?”

“It’s a gun. And what’s that?”

The candlestick in her hand gleams in the dim light. She laughs. “Seems we share a common goal, Reverend.”

“What the bally hell is going on here?”

“Ah, evening Colonel,” I greet him. “Late night stroll with your spanner?”

“Don’t get clever, you damned God-botherer. You know why we’re here.”

“Indeed, and here are the rest of the party.”

The passage becomes more crowded as three more people squeeze into it, muttering under their breath.

“I say, watch where you’re sticking that lead piping, woman. I nearly dropped my rope”

“Well, I do apologise, Professor. That ghastly woman from the kitchen is jabbing me with a knife.”

“I’ll do more than jab you, you call me ghastly again, you old peahen.”

“Well, I never.”

“Steady on, there.”

“Oh, for crying out loud.”

“People, please,” I hiss. “Let us remain calm. It appears by coincidence we have all ventured out for the same purpose. Let us not beat about the proverbial. We are all intending to, ahem, do away with our mutual friend, Dr Black. We all have our reasons, I’m sure.”

“He rejected my advances. No one has ever spurned me.”

“... stop him sending those photos to the press. And the RSPCA.”

“... about my indiscretions with the students.”

“... going to reveal I’m not really a woman.”

“... insulted my Beef Wellington.”

“...use his money to give to the, ahem, church orphanage fund,” I complete our motives. “Ladies and gentleman, I propose we carry on with our plans. If we all go together, the multiple nature of the injuries will confuse the authorities and increase our chances of not being caught. I read about something similar in a book once. Are you all in?”

Five nods answer me in the darkness. “Excellent. Now get ready. We go in on three. One. Two. Three.”

I pull the lever, the secret panel slides open and we burst into the billiard room.

The lights snap on and strong hands grab hold of me. I cannot move. My companions are similarly restrained by five large policemen. Dr Black stand before us, looking both cross and triumphant. A small man stands beside him fiddling with his curly moustache.

“Oh for God’s sake,” I mutter. “How did you know?”

“Mon ami, we have foiled your deadly plan with the use, simply, of the little grey cells.”

“Who the devil are you, Frenchy?”

“Belgian, actually Colonel. And you are all under arrest.”

Hysteria bursts over me. I begin to laugh.

“Attempted murder is not so amusant, monsieur. It is a serious business, not a game.”

I am led away, still laughing. God certainly does move in mysterious ways.