UNCLE JACK

1) Uncle Jack: So me favourite nephew's been having a bit of bother at school, then?

Billy: Yeah.

Uncle Jack: Spill the beans, then!

Billy: This older boy keeps saying if I don't give him money, he's gonna beat me up.

Uncle Jack: Well that's not right, is it? Our family ain't got cash to just throw around.

2) Fay was in her final year at secondary school.

Uncle Jack: I bet you can't wait to get out of that stinking school of yours, can you?

Fay: No; it will be great!

Uncle Jack: So what will you do then?

Fay: Well, I was thinking about doing a veterinary course, or something to do with health care. Depends on my science results, really, but I've put a lot of work into that subject and my science teacher says, if I keep it up I should get a good result.

Uncle Jack: First things first, Fay; what will you do to celebrate leaving?

3) Uncle Jack was in his local pub, waiting for his mate Trevor to return from the toilets.

Stranger: (staggering over before pulling Jack's arm about) 'ere, mate, I'm a bit skint. Your mate wouldn't mind if I 'ad 'is pint, would 'e?

Uncle Jack: Of course not...

...AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MIND WEARING IT.