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We met as we always do,within a womb. A warm cosy -if a little bland office-that always makes me think of cracked shells upon a sandy beach; naked feet and ice cold beer being drunk under a palm tree, while a gentle tune is being played in the background.
There is her smile that doesn't stop on her lips but continues to her smile from her lovely warm gentle eyes, they always welcoming...there are no secrets here, they say with a delicate fragility...no secrets... but there are... arn't there....
Today time to talk is going to be tough. because today I have started the conversation about work; and that always tough, because I haven't had a job for over ten years, and that conversation always leads back to the last job I had, and that always leads back to Simon.so I sit down in the chair look into those gorgeous brown eyes and talk.

It was called the P.L.D- A.T.U or assessment and Treatment Unit for people with learning difficulties... The idea being that the clients that came to us had severe learning difficulties and were also displaying challenging behaviour. which itself could vary from client to client. Essentially that staff couldn't handle the clients behaviour and either wanted a break, or to see whether the medication was stabilising their mood swings.
The people who came to us were termed as clients, because during the 90's the term patient was removed from the box of descriptive adjectives for people whose behaviour simply defied simply description. Thankfully, also were removed terms such as spastic, moron, Mongol, and other derogatory terms that now fill school playgrounds,instead of the aged faded brown copious scrawled Dr's notes that attempted to describe the conditions that honestly had no description to them.
But there was another issue...these people were people... they had all lived together in a huge hospitals,they had friends and knew their place. Moreover, they had a hierarchy,and a structured day. However, Prime minister's Thatcher and Major shut down the hospital's in favour of "community homes", that from my experience were run more like a hospital ward than anything else. Mainly because those who did work there were part of the old hospital system and habits of institutionalisation die very hard indeed.
Those who worked in the old hospitals of the time, know that they had huge faults. They were costly to run, mostly run down, and very unclean. But at least the people who resided in them were occupied in either the running of the radio station, cinema, shop's and even garden's that they managed themselves. Yes Care in the Community is important, I don't doubt that, but, no-one asked the clients how they felt about it... and some could explain how pissed off they were exceptionally well. Not so much with words but with actions; and that's where the A.T.U came in.
For a while I managed quite well. Despite being diagnosed with epilepsy. I created a sort of defence mechanism; that helped keep my spirits up. The clients came in and were observed I secretly looked at them and saw famous film stars in their faces. at one point on the unit, we had Marlon Brando in room nine; Lon Chaney in room eleven Brad pitt in room five and Robert De'Niro in room six and Sharon stone in room 1.
Marlon was huge, well over twenty stone, and very aggressive. He spent one day screaming in his room. The scream was so scary we three staff on duty, -which consisted of two auxiliary's and a staff nurse, dare n't go down there in case he attacked us. Which he did regularly. We waited for the quiet, then we went in to his room; to be greeted by his toenails ripped from his feet and placed in a perfect circle on his bedside cabinet.
De'Niro was tough too. he had spent time in Ramp ton, and was sent to us because his community home couldn't cope. He spent hours talking, and talking to himself. or threatening the staff with violence
'My dad's Hitler!' he used to spit at us from his uneven mouth, that spouted spittle 'And don't you fuckin forget it!'
I named Simon Brad pitt because he looked like Brad. we were told that prior to his assessment we all had to read his case notes. What I read was heartbreaking.
(more to follow)

I am a watcher of people... more... I see into people... that's why I don't make eye contact. I don't do eye contact because then I see the things I don't want to see. Does this make any sense? do you care?

Simon is the reason why I had the breakdown... knowing his history he became the reflection of that inner I, that part of me who rests within... how did Danny put it in the shining? "the little boy who lives in my mouth..." oh how true that is.