Oh, I know a lot of things

"Oh, I know a lot of things"

I was just starting to think you weren't coming. Fashionably late,
that's what they say, isn't it?

I like your dress. Is it new? New-ish. Thought so.

You just missed the waiter, he was here a minute ago. Next time he
circles, I'll get his attention. Red wine alright for you? Yeah, I
thought so.

I like your little gadget. That's very neat. So small. How long will it
tape for? Impressive. It's so small, you wouldn't think it could record
for so long.

That's right, I suppose if you do a lot of interviews, you need to be
sure your equipment's up to speed.

Excuse me, waiter. Can we have the wine list please - and two glasses
of iced-water, still not sparkling. Thank you.

I liked your advert. Punchy. Grabbed my attention. Girl writer seeks
blackmailer. I liked it. Well, here I am. What do you want to
know?

That's an odd one. Umm, well I guess I thought I could set the record
straight. Most people think of blackmailers being seedy - cowardly.
That's not the way I think of it at all.

See, you got other criminals - thieves and murderers, they got this
glamorous side. You have your Raffles, your Robin Hoods, your crimes of
passion for killers. Nobody's out there, standing up for the better
class of blackmailers of this world. The cream of them - the ones who
do a top class job.

That's right. You're a smart girl. I thought you were. That's not
something many people would think of. I AM a gentleman
blackmailer.

It's not all hiding in bushes and snipping out bits of newspaper to
make a letter. To be fair, a lot of it still is, but I try to deliver
more than that. A better class of service.

See, my theory is, the world is all about information these days. There
are still some that think it's about class, or about money. But it
ain't. It's about information. Who has it, how do you get hold of it,
and what do you do with it.

This was in The Times the other week, the fastest growing area is
knowledge management. That's what I am, a knowledge consultant.

I get out there and I find information that people wouldn't want to
get, you know, disseminated into the wider arena. Then, instead of
going to the newspapers or whatever, like a little tab rat, I have a
word with them, quiet. Let them know that they need to be a little more
discreet about their foibles, whatsoever they may be.

Of course. Of course there's a FEE. But it's reasonable, and it's
one-off. One time payment only, and the information is destroyed. I
don't agree with that old model of bleeding the victim dry. I see that
it maximises profit for low effort, but it's just not the way I like to
do business. It increases the risk of the police, for one thing.

One payment and it all goes away. Most people are prepared to pay a
little for that. If it means their private life remains their
own.

Hold on a minute. Sssh... Thank you, I will have... a bottle of the
Chilean Shiraz I think. That okay with you? Food, let me see. I will
have the salmon with puy lentils. I've had it before, it's wonderful,
very succulent. You should have it.

Oh, that's right, I forgot you don't like fish. Well, how about the
pork?

Lamb's good too. Good choice.

Where were we? Oh yes, my theory. Well, I have another. Don't look so
surprised. I'm a man who gives a great deal of thought to things.

The theory. Right. Well, my other theory is that in most of my
blackmail, and most of it is adultery, let me make that perfectly clear
- in most cases, my involvement actually improves things.

I see you looking doubtful. Let me explain. When the adulterer gets my
message, one of three things occur. One - they ignore it and the
cuckolded spouse learns the truth. That has to be a good thing - why
should they be in the dark? Two - they pay up and get scared, so they
stop the affair. That has to be a good thing, I'm a firm believer in
marriage. Three - they pay up, and the whole experience gives the
affair even more of an element of danger, of risk, so it spices the
whole thing up. Makes the sex and the deceit better.

You're still not convinced, but at least you're smiling.

Well, I suppose you do need a name. I usually go by Crusoe,
professionally speaking. It was always my childhood wish to be marooned
on a desert island. I had maps and plans and read all those books on
survival. I know not to eat a Polar Bears liver, if you should catch
one. It contains toxic levels of Vitamin C.

What magazine is this going in ? I'd like to get myself a copy, see
what you made of me.

You don't know which month it'll be in? Well, I'll just have to keep an
eye out I suppose. This sort of writing pay well?

Fair enough, you don't want to tell me. It looks like it pays well,
I'll tell you that.

The blackmail? Okay, well it usually works like this. I move into an
area, rent a flat and get to know what's going on. Post offices, local
pubs, corner shops. They're all useful to learn about what's happening.
Villages or small towns are better than big cities. In big cities,
people seem to have less shame.

A lot of my city-work, I do on the net. You can find out a lot of stuff
about people that way, stuff they'd never imagine. A few numbers and
mother's maiden name and I can find out all sorts of magical
stuff.

I do have to do proper legwork sometimes, following people, waiting
around, taking photographs. I'm not too fond of that, I have to say.
There was one time, this woman spotted me and called the police, they
turn up thinking I'm a stalker.

Well, what do you think I did? I told them straight, yes, I am obsessed
with this woman, I know that we are meant to be together. Ended up
getting admitted to a mental hospital for a week, as a voluntary
patient. The food was okay, and they gave me loads of funky pills. Lot
better than giving myself up as a blackmailer.

I like your perfume by the way. It smells like sweets. Old-fashioned
sweets. Not parma violets, but something similar. How're things going
with your boyfriend by the way?

Oh yes, I know about him. And you. You don't think I'd turn up to an
interview like this without doing some research first?

He's got some secrets he wouldn't want shared with other people, hasn't
he? Juicy ones at that. Maybe we can do a little business here.

Oh, I know a lot of things about you.

Where are you going? I was only kidding. What about the bill - do you
expect me to pay for lunch here? I thought you were on expenses.

You left your tape-recorder... CLICK.