Cava to her Cocaine

I’m like
those furry boots you buy from Tesco
when you can’t afford Uggs.
I’m like
Sainsbury’s Basics chocolate
that tastes like crap once you’ve eaten Lindt.
I am the cava to her champagne
And, it is such a shame
that next to her wild beauty I look plain.
-I’m the non-alcoholic beer to her cocaine,
And I’m not addictive in any way,
my eyes don’t have the quality that makes good men stray.
My jokes are funny but not risqué,
I’m more Drew Barrymore than Lana Del Rey.
Yes, I am aware that I’m second best,
That it isn’t me with whom you’re obsessed
And it’s not me you imagine undressed,
And at times it makes you quite depressed
That you’ve ended up with me and not with her,
Even though she’s the one you would prefer.
Well, that’s your problem and not mine I’m afraid
As long as you go along with this charade
I’ll pretend that I wasn’t betrayed
By your overwhelming need for an upgrade.
Now, how d’you think the vicar would feel?
When he heard that even when you got down to kneel
On your knee
to propose to me
You were thinking of the women in red
And the next time you’d take her to bed
-He’d be appalled, don’t you think?
His poor holy heart would probably sink
He’d probably flush the deepest pink
And be in need of a good stiff drink…
And what would all those guests do
-who didn’t raise a single reason why
We shouldn’t be joined in matrimony-
On hearing that it was all a lie?
Or should I bring your mother up?
-Who by that point was in her cups-
and who was so happy that finally,
you’d married a nice girl like me.
Angry doesn’t really cover it,
Nope, she wouldn’t like it one little bit
Maybe she’d have one of her fits,
-She’s always hated men who can’t commit.
I’m not going to expose you yet,
But don’t for a second think I’ll forget
the way you’ve dreamed of that sexy brunette.
In fact, I’m rather enjoying watching you sweat.
I’d like to say I wish we’d never met
Or to hear you cry that you’re filled with regret
But in place of those lies I’ll issue one single threat:
You’re stuck with me now that you’re in my debt.