Er what

"Er what?" Richey said bleary eyed, wishing the pain inside his head
would out itself, or maybe just this once he would refrain from
guzzling a whole litre of really cheap vodka in the space of three
hours. "Er what?" He added, swallowing the spittle that had formed on
his tongue as he waited for the stranger to reply.

"You have been brought here from Earth in order to assist us in our
quest for the perfect sound. It will be a perilous ---"

"You think I can play guitar? Hehehehe!!!!" Richey gagged almost
retching as the realisation that the stranger simply had no idea that
his bits were in fact overdubs by Wire hit him.

"Along with Kurt and Elvis and you will be assisted by Jimi and Janis
where possible."

"Hello dude," Kurt said, materialising in front of Richey, "cool
threads man, like fuck they are really cool."

"Uhuhuh," said Elvis, who had chosen to materialise as a Tuna Fisherman
down on his luck.

"Gimme the guitar, dude!" said Kurt.

"Well, no, sir, I jes like to keep er playin the guitar --"

"Can I go home now?" Richey said, lighting two cigarettes and gazing
enviously at the exploding mountain in the distance..........

Elvis turned on his heel and with a triumphant twang on his guitar
opened his mouth and said "Uh, no. We have to do like the man said,
find the er perfect sound, ma'am."

"I'm a bloke," Richey pouted. "Dont think ever that I am not!"

"Calm down dudes," said Kurt, ripping a new hole in his fashionably
ripped already jeans. "Jimi and Janis are floating over the hill
towards us..."

There was a loud explosion similar to a NWOBHM band exposing the mosh
pit to pyrotechnics, and the three of them (the stranger having
returned to the NME) were lying in a trench, surrounded by mud and some
sleeping bodies, that they hoped were sleeping and not dead. Machine
gun fire hurtled over their head.

"This is Glastonbury," Richey said, "I have seen pictures. We are being
shot at, and this mud has ruined my lovely white Levis."

"It cant be," Kurt was saying to Elvis, "look over there!" They all
looked apart from Richey who was trying to clean his nails and failing
miserably.

Some aggressive skinhead types were roasting Phil Jupitus over a small
gas fire, all the while, Jo Whiley was running about laughing manicly
and making obscene gestures with her hands to Phil.

Next to the barbeque John Peel was sitting on a huge golden thunderjug,
reading the latest copy of Mojo and grinning to himself as several
hippies with dyed hair paid homage to him.

Elvis muttered "This is a war zone!" strapped on his guitar like a
Tommy Gun and sprinted towards the bacon roll van, dodging the bullets
as he did so.

Another loud explosion happened and the thunderjug that Peel was
sitting on disintegrated under him. Peel muttered darkly at this and
glared twoards the pyramid stage where even now Chris Martin and Thom
Yorke were fighting it out with light sabres....

Kurt lit a cigarette and made a G chord in the air with his hand. "Ok
dude," he said, "we cannot stay here forever, we'll be delayed."

"That's a good line," Richey muttered, taking two cigarettes from
Kurt's pack of Marlboro Red without asking, "forever delayed..." he lit
a cigarette and puffed a plume of smoke into the air where it formed
intricate circles. He watched the circles swirling and began to feel a
bit sleepy.

Kurt looked at the glammed up boy lying next to him looking like he was
stoned. Then behind him there was a brief bout of swearing and two
blokes jumped into the trench next to him.

"Who are you dudes?"

"Turn the volume up!" one of the blokes with bleach blonde hair and an
eye mask of black sprayed on shouted at the other shorter stockier
fellow.

"Motorcycle Emptiness" floated out across the battlefield...

Richey still in reverie began to think he was seeing things, and opened
his mouth to say something, but already the two blokes were scaling the
other side of the trench and shouting to each other the word
"Revolution".

Then they were gone running crouched to the forward observation post
about two hundred yards from the lines of the Dance Tent
enclosure.

"Did you see...?" Richey asked Kurt. Kurt shook his head.

"I think I know them," he said. "They covered Penny Royal Tea off our
second album."

"I can play 'Come As You Are'," Richey said returning to reality again.
He peered over the top of the trench.

He could see Elvis had pushed to the head of the queue at the bacon
roll van and was in conversation with a very pissed off John Peel. Peel
was pointing out the disintegrated thunderjug and waving his hands
about while Elvis played what sounded like "Love Me Tender"

"Is this the future of rock and roll, I dont think so," Richey said
standing up. "I deny this existence, I give it up."

In a flash they found themselves in a small fighting arena, Elvis had
gone (maybe trying to get some more ketchup for his bacon roll) and
Kurt and he were holding curiously shaped battle axes....

Avril Lavigne was sitting on a big chair surrounded by skaterpunks of
assorted brand labels and then the music began..........