Heavenly Miss

Heavenly Miss ?

Bob Craggs a rugged six feet two offshore oil-worker had fallen asleep
on a hospital trolley. Bob woke up after what seemed to him to be a
deep sleep, the roughneck rubbed his bloodshot eyes and his strangely,
now smooth, but usually stubble covered chin. Craggs was troubled by a
half remembered peculiar dream he'd just had during his slumber. Those
jumbled thoughts of what he had just dreamed of, felt so real that they
made him feel very queer indeed, in more senses than one.
A puzzled look spread across his normally rugged face as he tried to
make sense of those surreal mental images that whirled around inside
his head Bob muttered aloud to himself "it must have been the after
effects of that pre op injection they gave me." He almost jumped out of
his trolley as well as his skin at the sound of his customarily deep
voice. The reason for this reaction was that his voice had emerged a
good two octaves higher than normal, making the tough thirty-five year
old offshore worker sound like Shirley Temple. This jump made his upper
torso undulate under the short, loose operation smock. His chest moved
to and fro, so much so in fact, that he had to grasp it with both hands
to steady the unfamiliar wobbling mass.
That's when the next, seismic shock hit him, for he found that he had
acquired two uncommonly well-developed mammary glands. Immediately he
let go of the thirty-eight Cs and reached his searching fingers very
carefully down under the covering sheet to carry out a short arm
inspection. Craggs was flabbergasted to find that he now had a Mound of
Venus with virtually nothing underneath it. That is, it was nothing of
what ordinarily resided there. His shrill excited falsetto voice rang
out again to no one in particular and everyone in general. "The
surgeon's cut off me wedding tackle and given me tits, and I only came
in for me ingrown toenail removed. What's the lads on the rig going to
say?" As his shrill utterance echoed and reverberated round the
hospital corridor Bob swooned into oblivion.
What he'd passed out and into wasn't actually oblivion; rather he went
on what seemed to him to be a rapid out of body journey down an
ethereal tunnel. It reminded the oil worker of one of those
helter-skelter type fun slides that have suddenly become all the rage
in swimming pools throughout the civilised and not so civilised world.
Magic tubes that have changed many humble municipal swimming baths into
exotic sounding 'Aqua World Theme Parks.' Newfangled alterations,
enjoyed mainly by children, but largely to the annoyance of seriously
competitive swimmers.
This unworldly, 'Water World' style of glide, for want of a better
description, the one that Bob now found himself going down was much
longer and much darker than any that the new water parks had. At the
end of the mammoth helter-skelter Bob landed in an extremely bright
celestial place, where he felt weightless and all his doubts, pains and
problems had left him in a flash. Predicaments such as the recent
acquisition of his new appendages and the disappearance of his old much
cherished accessories, no longer distressed him. Money, or rather the
lack of it seemed not to matter anymore. Even the ingrown toenail had
stopped its agonised rumba beat throbbing. Bob knew instinctively that
he was in paradise, and it felt wonderful.
His reverie was cut short by a gentle resonant voice, which was
neither male nor yet female "Thank goodness I've got you back. You will
have to excuse me, I'm rather new to the Celestial Soul Transportation
Department." Bob Craggs was disturbed by this information he pulled
himself out of his musing to reply to his angelic informant. "There
must be some mistake, you said you had got me back, I have never been
here before, wherever here is." "Oh but I can assure you that you have"
replied the Celestial Transportation-Operator "transportation does
erase the memory, it's been contrived to do just that for reasons that
you will in time no doubt learn."
"You mean I've been here before, how long ago?" "Oh just a matter of a
few minutes by your time scale." "Well if that's the case why am I back
again in such a short time?" "Because it is not yet your time, I
brought you here by mistake."
"If I was brought here the first time in error what am I doing here
again?" "Another mistake occurred, hence the reason for your third
transportation." "My third trip what do you mean third?" "Yes third,
twice here, once back, making three transportation's or one and a half
round trips to be precise."
"Surely they must give you some training before letting you loose on a
complex piece of equipment conveying souls all over the cosmos?" "The
fault wasn't entirely mine. You see the clumsy hospital porter pushing
your trolley to the operating theatre bumped into that of a buxom young
lady pole dancer who had just fell off her perch. I had set the
co-ordinates to collect her, but at that very instant due to the
collision you took her position just as I beamed her, or rather you
up."
"Then what happened?" "When you first arrived we realised a mistake had
been made so we sent you back, but unfortunately the inept porter had
again replaced your trolley with hers. That's when you woke up and
discovered your gender transformation."
"So what happens now?" "We send you back again, after carefully
checking the co-ordinates of course." "Will I remember anything of my
in and out of body experiences?" "Maybe, maybe not it all depends. Hang
on Robert here you go back once again to the land of the living as you
call it."
Unaware of the heavenly hiatus he had just caused. Joe Green the
accident prone porter, after returning from having a crafty fag,
hastily pushed the trolley containing the out of this world, but to the
feckless porter apparently peacefully sleeping Bob into the operating
theatre anti-chamber. Green was intent on getting to the turf
accountant to put his bet on for the next race at Ripon. To that end he
quickly moved the mortuary bound wheeled litter containing the
dissipated body of the deceased Chinese centenarian Mrs. Chang into the
place that Bobs Craggs' trolley had just vacated&;#8230;

by Don Passmore ?