HER MAJESTY'S SURVEYOR

HER MAJESTY'S SURVEYOR ?

Now that the cabinet's inner circle had set the date of the election,
the government in their wisdom decided it was time to conduct
pre-election surveys. These would be carried out throughout the
industrial hinterland of Great Britain before they officially announced
the polling day to the nation. The reason for these surveys was to get
the feel of what the people thought of them, employment, growth
variations and their policies generally. Although they had ignored all
of these things, including the welfare of the unemployed working class
since the run up to the last election.
Mrs. Maureen Layton-Greener, who behind her back was more often than
not referred to, by those who knew her, as Mo lay it on thick Greener,
Mrs Layton Greener staunchly supported the legislature of the day. She
was a portly individual who reluctantly conceded to being upper middle
class. Mo of late had found herself with time on her hands. This excess
of idle time, having been created by her being voted out of the chair
of the Jesforth lady's section of the Inner Wheel. Her spouse was
chairperson of the Oldcastle Nearly New Right Party. This being the
case it was only natural that she was selected as part of a local,
well-remunerated quango to carry out the survey in the Bykersend
area.
Dressed in her Marks and Spencer's Shoulder Scarf and ensemble instead
of one of her normal Gucci outfits. After all to Mo's way of thinking
one had to dress down when meeting the great unwashed.
Carrying her matching, state of the art clipboard she began her part of
the survey. Her allotted area to poll was Bykersend a run down leafy
suburb of Oldcastle, which itself is a run down city that was once a
bustling centre of Commerce, Heavy Industry, Coal Mining and
Shipbuilding.
This once proud industrial area now supported new industries namely
Employment Training, the importation of coal, mugging and car rustling.
However to augment this, in the administration domain there was a
Government Office Complex. This hegemony employed some forty thousand
Civil Servants with most of the latter employed in explaining to a
large part of the former as to why their Giro Cheques had not arrived.
In a lot of cases indeed to inform them why they were not entitled to
any benefit anyway.
One other new institution or rather a remodelled old organisation that
thrived in the Bykersend area was the constabulary. More commonly
however their title had changed from the good old British bobby and
they were now refereed to as the pigs, the filth or just simply them
bastards.
Those new designations it must be pointed out were the common parlance
of the members of the growth industries namely the car rustlers, drug
pushers, burglars and their ilk. Whilst the good and primarily honest
citizens of the burgh just referred to the law enforcement officers as
"them ineffectual Masonic bastards." Poor old plod never stood a chance
he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.
So obviously Bykersend, and its larger administrative neighbour
Oldcastle were run of the mill communities that John Senior had
inherited from his predecessor Margie Caligula along with her Britain
of the nineties.
Senior's government were convinced by their own rhetoric that the green
shoots of prosperity had begun appearing throughout the country, albeit
that they'd not planted anything to stimulate that growth. In an
endeavour to locate the mythical elusive vegetation of industrial
reincarnation, or even the germination of its delicate hidden seed.
Hence it has been decided to carry out the survey in which Maureen
Layton Greener was to take part.
Armed with an array of fountain pens, pencils and biros fixed in
springs to her designer clipboard. Mo zealously set out, on her quest
to meet the ordinary, hard working (unemployed), but reputedly friendly
folk of Bykersend.
Approaching her first interviewee in the crowd, who was a dubious
looking individual? Mo said "Coo-ee, excuse me young man, yes you! Yes
I mean you with the multi-coloured Red Indian hairstyle."
The body-pierced leather and tattoo clad unkempt youth replied, "bog
off! Yi ould bag ave got nowt ti put in ya tin. So yi can sod off."
Raising two fingers he arrogantly swaggered off with his body
adornments jangling. "Impertinent lout? Oh Miss? Yes you could I have a
moment of your time please? I'm conducting a survey on behalf of the
government. Do you??" Before Mo could finish her, up until now untried
but well rehearsed spiel the young woman who was obviously wrapped up
in her own domestic problems retorted. "I don't think it's right is
it?" "What's not right my dear?" "That I can't get a bloody council
house I've got two bairns under two, and just cos I'm not married....
It's not fair ye don't have to have a wedding ring do you! What about
love that should count as well, shouldn't it? I loved both of my bairns
fathers and? " "Excuse me interrupting you my dear. You don't
understand?"
An old woman from the passing crowd butted in bringing the interview to
an immediate and unscheduled halt. "Hello pet! Are you Esther what's
her name from the telly?" "Ratzen! No I'm?" Before Mo could finish the
old lady turned excitedly to another woman in the crowd, obviously her
daughter. "Look our Mary it's Esther Ratzen, come and have a
look."
Looking hard at Mo then turning to her mother, Mary, in a voice that
could have shattered reinforced plate glass said or rather barked,
"That's never Esther Ratzen. She's too bloody fat. Mind though she has
got buck teeth I'll give her that."
Then the young woman whom Mo had been trying to interview spoke out to
the old lady, her daughter and to the small curios crowd now gathering.
"She's from the council! Housing! Ye know the corporation?"
Maureen pulling her stomach in and blushing profusely screamed. "Look I
am not from the council and I'm certainly not Esther Rantzen. I am
Maureen Layton-Greener with a hyphen. I am certainly not too fat, nor
do I have buck teeth." "You must be bloody blind then Missus, your at
least two stone owerweight, and your a dead ringer for Bugs Bunny. Try
using your mirror and your bathroom scales. What can't speak can't
lie." Mary screamed at the mortified Mo. "Madam I did not come here to
be insulted by the likes of you, I am here to carry out a survey on
behalf of the Central Government not the Local Government."
Mary's Mother twiddled agitatedly at the knob on her screeching hearing
aid at the same time she waved her umbrella as she shrilled angrily
"Madam indeed! Just listen to her. Tells this young lass here, that
she's from the housing. Makes believe she's Esther Ratzen, and now she
says she's part of the government. Then has the brass neck to call wor
Mary a Madam. I'll madam yi! Yi hoity-toity bitch." With that she shook
her rolled up brolly even more menacingly towards the luckless
canvasser.
Tears of frustration made Mo's eyes sparkle as she rallied at the now
quite large crowd. "I might have known what it would be like coming
down here amongst a lot of? lot of? ignorant peasants!" "Ignorant
Peasants? Peasants!" Mary barked "You cheeky bitch we aren't peasants.
My husband was a Caulker in the Naval Yard until your lot closed it
down. What does your husband do for a living Lady Gotnowt?"
Maureen smiled or rather smirked smugly as she positively whooped out
"James is retired now but he was a Staff Commander and worked for
Cunard on very large passenger-liners." Mary threw her head back
self-satisfied with what she considered a genuine rebuttal to Mo's
revelation. "When George worked in the yards he worked very hard, as
well on all kind of ships but the difference is we were never abusive
about it."
At this point a police sergeant and constable having noticed a crowd
gathering around the luckless Mo Greener move through the throng to
intercede. "What's going on then your causing an obstruction?" Said the
senior man addressing Mrs. Layton-Greener. Before she could answer
however the young woman who she had fruitlessly tried to interview
answered the police officer. "This fat woman with the teeth accosted
me, said she was from the council." "Is that right madam, are you from
the council?" Maureen smiled sweetly at the sergeant at the same time
she fluttered her eyelids. "No officer I am not from the council. I'm
carrying out a survey on behalf of Her Majesties Government." "Where's
your Theodolite then?" Smaned the constable looking at his sergeant
to see if he appreciated his droll wit. "She says he's at sea working
hard." Answered the old lady not realising that the constable's
question was bombastic rhetoric.
Mo dropped her shoulders and shook her head as a sign of despair.
"Ignore the deaf old fool sergeant, it's quite plain the woman is an
idiot. Now what did your constable say?" "Ignore the young fool Madam
it's quite plain the young idiot will never make sergeant. Now will you
all move along? "Sergeant I am trying to conduct a survey among the
less fortunate in society. The object being that we, the government are
interested in seeing how recent Government policies are filtering down
to the high street. I feel sure as an officer of the law you will
understand?" "The way I see it Madam! You and your Government Policies
at this moment in time are causing an obstruction in that high street.
So will you and your apostles move along."
Mary who'd remained silent even after hearing her mother insulted
thought that now was her chance to seek redress. "Time you lot behaved
like coppers, and arrested some of these muggers, buggers, joy riders,
and snooty bitches like her. Less fortunate indeed! Just who does she
think she is?" Mary's mother having loosely heard some of what her
daughter had said shouted out and shook her umbrella like a banner.
"Give them the birch! Never did us any harm." "This is ridiculous. I
come down here looking for the green shoots created by market strategy
and all I get is abuse. As for you sergeant, I shall be seeing your
Chief Constable at a dinner party that I am giving, and will certainly
mention your role in this!? this!? this? fiasco." Said Mo grimacing at
the sergeant and his subordinate. In what appeared to be unbridled
malice the sergeant glowered back. The old woman broke the pregnant
silence that followed. "What does she say? Wants green shoots from the
market for a dinner party she's giving. The woman wants locking up.
There's no market around these parts, just the super market, but it's
Tesco not Fiasco." "Mother! Just shut up, and switch your hearing aid
on. "Totally ignoring the old woman and her daughter's contribution the
sergeant almost growling at the lady with the clipboard, snarled.
"Madam I don't care if you're having tea and tab nabs with the Home
Secretary. If you and your disciples don't move I'll arrest you all for
obstruction."
Mary feeling ignored at a situation that she did not like at all, came
back into the altercation. "The only green shoots coming up round here
is the dandelions growing on the stocks where they used to build the
ships."
Her interjection inspired the original interviewee to come back again
"I do not think it's right is it?" Followed by Mary's Mother's clich?s
"Give them bread and water! Never did us any harm? Bring back the cat?
It's the parents you know? No respect? Now when I was a girl you never
heard of car stealing" "When you were a girl you'd never heard of
cars." Added the young lady.
"What's the point God knows I've tried. Norman Tebbit was right you
should all get on your bikes, and do not stop pedalling until you reach
Brussels or beyond. Common Market should have plenty of room for common
people." Yelled Mo to the crowd in general. There was no doubt she was
now totally and utterly disheartened, Maureen (call me Mo).
Layton-Greener wandered off sadly disillusioned, shaking her head, and
threw her clipboard into an already overflowing waste bin that
certainly held no shoots green or otherwise.

by Don Passmore ?