Home free...

I have been wandering around Norwich for the past three days... I am
not
certain but I think I may live around here somewhere. I have a set of
keys
labelled "home" and I have been trying them in every door that I
have
seen,but so far to no avail. You do get used to being bitten by dogs
after a
while and the tube of savlon I have in my knapsack has lasted
well,although I
don't know just for how much longer I can stave off the risk of
lockjaw.

I have been asking people whether they have any idea where the house
that
has the "dolphin" motif shower curtain and "Avocado" bathroom suite
is,and
I have received several different replies,ranging from "first star on
the left
and straight ahead 'til morning" to "try looking up your arse,you
prick!"

This morning I bought a copy of the "big issue" as the vendor told me
that it
was to help the homeless...maybe my address would be printed in
there
somewhere. All I found was a confusion of words and images...none of
which
meant anything to me at all. I bought another copy in the hope that
this one
would make more sense. Again an extrordinary mess of english words
and
colourful pictures. I decided to lay down on the ground and dabble my
lips in
a small puddle of rainwater.

The subtle tangy mixture of rain,spilled lager from a nearby can and
what
may have been dog pee only served to cloud my mind further and I blew a
few
spluttery bubbles to make a noise louder than the troublesome voices in
my
head. I heard a laugh a little way behind me and I raised my head to
see
whether it was worth me joining in the laughter. It was a tall man with
a
beard wearing an "I'm with this idiot" T shirt...beneath the caption
was a
finger pointing to the right. I stood up slowly and finished the joke
by standing
very close to him... I told him of my problem,that I had no idea what
they had
done with my house. He was very sympathetic to my plight and informed
me
that he was a freelance estate agent and would be able to find a door
for me
that would fit my keys without any problem whatsoever.

He took me by the arm and led me to a row of small houses,the majority
of
which were boarded shut... He took my keys and fumbled with the lock to
one
of the doors and it opened easily. I'm sure it still would have done so
without
the kick that he dealt to the door,but he said that was standard
proceedure
and that I would not understand the complexities of the property
market. He
informed me that there would be a small charge for services rendered
and
that I should empty my pockets before he had to do me some more
lasting
damage. He then revealed that the amount I'd handed over would only
rent
the house for 47 seconds which was quite precise and
professionally
calculated... I made myself comfortable and then made myself
scarce.

So here I am again,nowhere looking for a house which may or may not
ever
have existed but clutching a hopeful set of keys labelled "home"... I
need a
bath.