I Miss You Much

I awoke this morning with the rays of the sun showering into my room. Many colors stimulated my senses, warming my thoughts and each part of my body that was exposed to the rays. The colors more vibrant than usual, each distinctive, pink, red, blending with the blue sky and white clouds. The memories of you came flooding back, brought to the surface after so many years of being dormant, hidden purposefully to soften the hurt.

I had a fairly normal childhood. My parents stayed together even though they fought all the time, you know staying together for the sake of the children. My childhood ended early due to the arrival of my daughter at the age of 17. This of course was unexpected and yes I have to say I got pregnant the first time I had sex. I watched my friends move on with their lives as if I ceased to exist. I missed my prom, senior week, graduation, and the last hurrah over the summer before they all left for college in far away towns.

Of course with the baby came a marriage. Talk about playing house, I had no idea how to boil water let alone take care of a baby, wash clothes, cook dinner and worst of all take care of a husband. This is the part I liked least of all. I really enjoyed taking care of my daughter, watching her grow and learn. It was amazing to me, the wonders of development and how she progressed. I cried when she cried, laughed when she laughed, and spent many hours just watching her sleep.

The household responsibilities came to me little by little as I did watch my mother each week performing her wifely duties so I knew what was expected. She was a mom who worked 40 hours a week, raised three kids, and was miserable, just like the rest of the moms in my neighborhood. I thought being miserable was the normal way to feel when you were married.

The husband part was the tricky part. I didn’t like this at all. I avoided him at all costs, making excuses at each advance. Having the baby made it easier since I could always say I was tired or the baby was crying, I rarely had to say I had a headache. It was nice that he worked two jobs to support us. After awhile he just quit trying.

One day as I was walking down the street, I decided to treat myself to some flowers. I walked in and there you were, beautiful, enchanting, and you smelled so good. And you were a woman. How could this be? I was mesmerized, totally caught off guard. My insides were going haywire, I had goose bumps but at the same time I was sweating. I couldn’t answer when you asked “Can I help you?” I just turned and ran out the door.

At this time I became a stalker. I couldn’t help myself, every day I walked past the shop and hoped to see you. I wanted to come in, to be brave and say hello, but my childhood upbringing, family, friends and church dictated what relationships are supposed to be, a man and a woman.

The day arrived, I walked into that flower shop and told you of my feelings and to my surprise you felt the same way. You saw me parading up and down the street everyday wondering how long it would take me to come back in the shop, loving me more and more. My life turned upside down, I no longer believed that misery was part of a relationship. I was happy for the first time in my life. Nothing mattered anymore except you and my daughter. We shared everything, we had so much in common, we loved for the sake of loving. We made love in the early morning just as the sun was rising, laughing and enjoying life.

In a flash it was over. My daughter was snatched from me, legally of course, it is a man’s world. My family shunned me, no longer welcomed at my church, and my friends disappeared one and then another till all were gone. I was so young, innocent, naïve. I wasn’t strong enough to survive the torment.

I came home one day and you were gone, all your things missing. All you left me was a short note that said “I can’t bear to see you in misery. I love you more than life itself and I wish you a long and happy life.” I couldn’t even comprehend any life without her let alone a happy one.

I survived, just barely clinging to life. I went on, mechanically going through the steps of every day life. Working at some mundane job, the only thing that I had to look forward to were my weekends with my daughter. I stayed alone, knowing that no one could fill my heart with the same joy and love as you. As I lay here this morning feeling the warmth of the sun, I pretend it is you covering me with the warmth of your body. I miss you much.