Magic Button

I was just after a job, desperate for some money. So I signed up
with the local callcentre, went through weeks of training, until
finally I was allowed to take my first call. Nothing could have
prepared me for the great secret this company had. But I shall go into
this later, suffice to say for now, it was called : The Magic Button. A
simple button you pressed that gave a simple solution to a customers
problems. After completing my training, I was made to sign a sheet of
paper before they would let me loose on the phones. It basically stated
that I was to tell noone outside work what went on in there. If I did
then there could be serious consequences, such as heavy fines and other
nasty threats. It seemed a bit harsh, but this company had a closely
guarded secret.

So there I was, first day on my job, all strapped up to my callmaster
like a robot, the headset in place, the computer screen shining,
fingers on the ready to speed through the different screens of the
database. I'm psyching myself up, trying to remember the codes I will
need to type, the system processes, there is a big book on the side of
my desk to help me. I didn't have access to the magic button, not yet,
you have to complete 13 weeks of probation then another week of
intensive training before they will let you loose with it. You can see
the option on your start menu, but can't get access to it as it prompts
you for a password every time you try to open it.

I was feeling nervous, wild eyed, waiting? waiting? for my first call,
the hyperactive butterflies, flapping their wings in my stomach?
and?

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning, you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"Certainly." A man's voice answers. "E3759821."

"Thankyou, and for security reasons can you confirm your name and
postcode?"

"Albert Mingin, XD5 9RH."

"And could you also confirm your landline contact number please."

"01481 337499."

"Thankyou Mr. Mingin, you're speaking to Aaron today, how can I help
you?"

"I would like to report a stolen handset."

I'm racing through the screens.

"Ok I am now placing a bar on your simcard to stop it being able to
make/recieve calls, can I just confirm your mobile number is:
0776543219."

"Yes that is correct."

I type the mobile number in to the box hit the F9 key and then the F2
key and scroll to the 'Lost/Stolen' reason. Then I hit F9 again and the
sim is barred.

"Ok Mr. Mingin I have barred your simcard, all I need now is for you to
leave a password for security reasons. "

"Password is teddy bear."

I make a note of this password on the computer under the right code for
lost/stolen handsets which is: LOS. "If you find the handset again. You
will need to confirm the password to us, so we can lift the bar."

"Fine."

"Ok Mr. Mingin your simcard has been barred. Is there anything else I
can help you with today?"

"Yes I would like a new handset."

"Certainly Mr. Mingin, I will need to transfer the call to sales if you
wish to upgrade. Before I transfer the call, is there anything else I
can do for you?"

"Can you tell me how many months are remaining on my contract?"

I scroll through the different screens to see what the customers
contract date is.

"Five months," I say.

"I take it that my contract will just resume as normal once I get a
replacement phone?"

"No, if you upgrade, there will be an extension to your contract of a
further twelve months, placing you altogether into a 17 month contract.
Also, because you're upgrading five months before your contract ends,
there will be an early upgrade fee of fifty pounds, and you may also be
asked to make a contribution towards the new handset and?" (Realizing
after I said this, that I probably shouldn't have told him that
information. Sales could have put that to him in a much more eloquent
way than I just did? I brace myself?)

"What? This is outrageous, you're telling me that if a customer has
their phone stolen, they have to pay for a new one with a new twelve
month contract?"

"Yes."

"Well I certainly won't be doing that. We'll see what my lawyer has to
say about this. It can't be legal?"

"It is actually in the terms and conditions of your contract Mr.
Mingin."

"Which clause is this?"

"Clause 4.21 sir."

I here a rustling of paper on the other end of the line, "clause 4.21?.
4.21? did du du dum?" Mr. Mingin mutters to himself as he looks for the
clause on his contract. "Hang on a minute," he says after a while. "
The writings tiny, how am I supposed to read this."

"It is called smallprint sir."

"This is disgusting! I can tell you now, when the final month of this
contract is up I will be taking my business elsewhere? Well, if I can't
have a replacement handset then I would like a replacement simcard. I
guess I will have to make do with an ancient phone for the time being,
a brick is better than nothing I suppose."

"Certainly sir, I can place a request for one to be sent to you, it
will take four to five working days for delivery and there is a twenty
pound charge for this."

Mr. Mingin lets out a long audible sigh of displeasure. "I will not be
paying twenty pounds for a simcard. Can't you send it me for
free."

"No, sorry, I am not able to do that sir."

There is a frantic rustling of paper again as the customer reads
through the contract? after a long pause he says: "I see nothing here
in the terms and conditions which states I will have to pay for a
replacement simcard. "

"Swindlefon business rules I'm afraid sir."

"Don't give me that Swindlefon business rules cr*p son, get me a
manager."

"Mr. Mingin, please do not swear, if you continue to swear at me I will
release this call."

"Get me a manager you f*cking moron."

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep? Have released Mr. Mingin into the telephonic
void.

I am sweating, that was difficult; my first call and I hung up on a
customer, this is not good.

BEEP BEEP, the next call comes through:

"I want to speak to a manager!" A woman's voice screams in my
ear.

"Certainly madam, would it be OK for me to put you on hold for 2
minutes whilst I go get one for you."

"No it bl**dy well wouldn't, just get me a supervisor and cut the
c*ap!"

"Certainly madam." I hit the release button and disconnect the call.
This is not good, my first two calls of the day and I dropped them
both.

I am sweating, I hope they weren't recording those calls. I look around
me paranoid at the sea of people sat at desks talking to computer
screens; but nobody is looking in my direction, the call centre manager
is busy making notes on a piece of paper. I make a resolution to try
real hard not to flunk any more calls.

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"UH?"

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"What?"

I'm starting to feel irritable. "Can I take your mobile number
please!"

"I don't have a mobile."

"Are you a Swindlefon customer?"

"No, is this ABZ taxis. I need a taxi to get to work."

"No this is Swindlefon customer care, a mobile phone service
provider."

"Oh, can you transfer me to ABZ taxis then."

"No, we're not allowed to do that."

"Can you give me their telephone number."

"No, we are not directory inquiries sir."

"Oh Ok - thankyou." - releases the call.

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon?."

"Don't give me that son! I want to know why you have barred my
phone."

"Certainly can I take your account or mobile number please?" I
ask.

"Don't you have it on your screen?"

"No."

"Well that's not very good is it?"

(Sadly our system can't cope with ESP maam.)

I go silent, to critisize Swindlefon's systems whilst on the phone to a
customer is known as a critical fail, and you score zero for the call
if you do this.

"Hello? Hello? Is there anybody there?"

"Yes, sorry, " I say coming out of my thoughts. "Do you have an account
or mobile number please?"

"Is that the number on the front of my bill which says: customer
account number."

"Yes"

"Right, account number is ER423172."

"Thankyou and for security reasons can you confirm your name and
postcode."

"Why do I have to do that?"

"It is because of the data protection act. We need to ensure we are
speaking to the account holder before we proceed with the call."

"Oh, well that's silly isn't it? I mean my neighbour could know my name
and postcode and call you, and you wouldn't know it was my neighbour
would you?"

I say nothing.

"Well ok, my name is Ms Molly Whinger. My postcode is SW14 5AZ."

"And can you confirm your landline number as well please?"

"01235 766231"

"Thankyou Ms Whinger, you're speaking to Aaron today, how can I help
you?"

"Well you can bloomin' well tell me why you've barred my phone."

I flick through the screens for the answer to her question.

"Well Ms Whinger, the reason we have barred your phone is because we
haven't recieved payment for your bills for the last three
months."

"Haven't you?"

"No."

"Well can you lift the bar for me anyway, I need to make an urgent
call?"

"No, I cannot do this until you have cleared the outstanding balance on
this account."

"But I have paid my bills."

"No payments have been recieved from you since March, it is now
July."

"Are you accusing me of lieing. Isn't the customer supposed to be
always right? I am telling you I have paid my bills."

"According to my screen you have not."

"I have"

"Have not"

"Have"

"Have not"

"Have"

"Have not? look I am not going to sit here and argue with you. Once we
have recieved payment for your last three invoices we will lift the
bar, until then it will remain in place."

"I think this is disgusting. I want to speak to a manager."

"A manager will only say the same thing as what I have already told
you."

"I don't care, get me one, it is a customers right to speak with a
manager."

"Certainly, would it be ok for me to put you on hold for a minute or
two, while I get one for you."

"It better not be any longer than that sonny - I'm timing you."

I put the customer on hold and put my hand up to get the attention of a
call centre manager. I look around me at the sea of desks and faces,
there are various managers walking around here and there, but none of
them seem to have noticed me. I put both my hands up in the air? one of
the managers glances at me, then walks over to someone else. Two
minutes have passed, I take the customer off hold.

"I am very sorry Ms Whinger but there are currently no managers
available to take this call. Do you want me to request for someone to
call you back?"

"Ok, but I want a manager to call me back in the next ten
minutes."

"I am sorry Ms Whinger but I can't garrantee that, it can take upto
forty eight hours for a callback."

"This is a sham, an absolute sham, your company stinks. I am very
unhappy about this. What is your name sonny."

"Aaron"

"And your second name Aaron?"

"I am on team D"

"Don't you have a second name?"

"Yes, but for security reasons I do not have to give you that
information."

"Yes you do, now give me your full name."

"No."

"Well Aaron from team D I shall find this information out one way or
another. I shall be going to my lawyers about this and we will be
seeing each other in court."

"Is there anything else I can help you with today Ms Whinger?"

"Are you trying to be funny?"

"No."

"Well you have been most unhelpful and I shall be sure that your name
gets mentioned when I write my letter of complaint to watchdog."

"Ms Whinger, with all due respect I have done nothing wrong. I have
merely stated to you that you are behind on your payments and that is
why your phone has been barred."

"You have called me a liar."

"Never once during the course of the conversation have I called you a
liar Ms. Whinger."

"Yes you have, and you are also very rude. I will be sure that I put
that in my letter of complaint as well."

"Ms Whinger. Is there anything else?"

"No"

"Well thankyou for calling Swindlefon Ms Whinger."

"Goodby Aaron of team D."

I take off my headset momentarily to wipe the stress from my forehead.
I am starting to wonder if there is any sane person left in the UK. I
pray silently that I will get at least one normal person today, so I
can do my job properly? I put the headset back on? brace myself?

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"I would like to rub your hair with furniture polish, then take a bath
with you in spaghetti; as I slowly move my lips towards your toes...
and.."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP - I hit the release button - Goodbye
wierdo.

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"sniff... er... mobile number is 07926341721"

"Thankyou, and for security reasons can you confirm your name, postcode
and landline contact number please."

"Er, name is Mr. Marvin, postcode is DF4 1QU, landline number is :
01213 75643."

"Thankyou Mr. Marvin, you're speaking to Aaron today, how can I help
you?"

"Sniff... well I am waiting for the delivery of my phone. I ordered it
three days ago, and it still isn't here. The person I spoke to last
said it would be delivered yesterday."

"Ok, would it be alright to place you on hold for a minute."

"Yes."

I press the hold button and check the notes on the screen : the phone
was delayed by a couple of days as there wasn't any in stock when order
placed, but is scheduled to be delivered in three days time. I take
customer off hold.

"Hello Mr. Marvin, thankyou for holding. Ok, when the order for your
phone was placed there wasn't any in stock, but we are expecting your
handset to be available in two days time, so your phone should be with
you in three working days from now."

There is silence on the other end of the phone.

"Hello?"

"...."

"Hello, Mr. Marvin?"

"It's so unfair. I can't take this anymore, it's just too much...
sniff." It sounds as if the customer is crying.

"Are you alright Mr. Marvin?"

"Why? Why couldn't you have delivered my phone?"

"Well I've just explained that to you. I'm very sorry, for the delay
you are experiencing in recieving your new phone."

"It's just not good enough. I needed that phone, it had to happen
didn't, it just had to happen. I can't take anymore, I'm going to slit
my wrists, I've had enough."

"Hey, Mr. Marvin, don't be like that. I'm sorry that you're having to
wait a few days for your new handset, but it isn't that bad. I mean
it's just a phone, not a reason to want to slit your wrists, I mean
there's worse things that could happen. I am happy to raise a ?15
credit on your account for the inconvenience this has caused you, but
at the end of the day it's just a mobile phone, it aint that
bad."

"You don't understand. That phone was important to me, I needed it to
be delivered on time, now my life is ruined. If I don't have a phone, I
don't have a life."

"Sorry to hear that Mr. Marvin. But you know there is nothing I can do
to change that for you, other than raise a credit note on your account.
But killing yourself seems a bit extreme, there is more to life than
mobile phones. "

"...."

"Mr. Marvin?"

"...."

"Mr. Marvin!?"

"...." Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep....

"Sh*t, Mr. Marvin?!"

BEEP BEEP

f*ck...

"Hello? Hello? Anybody there?"

"Er, sorry... Good morning your through to Swindlefon. Can I take your
account or mobile number please."

"My mobile is 07658943223."

"Thankyou, and for security reasons can your confirm name, postcode and
landline contact number please."

"My name is Mr. Reaves, my postcode is TW14 1XL and my landline number
is 01456 324756."

"Thankyou Mr. Reaves, you're speaking to Aaron today. How can I help
you?"

"You've sent me the wrong phone."

"The wrong phone?"

"Yes you've sent me a normal phone, it's not what I asked for, I wanted
a matrix phone."

"A matrix phone?"

"Yes, are you deaf. A matrix phone. A phone with a keypad that slides
out when you press a button, like on the matrix."

"Oh. Well I will need to transfer the call to sales, and they will
arrange for your phone to be swapped. Is it ok to put you on
hold."

"NO! Just get me the matrix phone! I haven't got time to hold."

"I am sorry Mr. Reaves, but I can't deal with your request, I will need
to transfer you to sales."

"I want a matrix phone. Get me a matrix phone..." Bip..

I hit the transfer button, and pop the saddo through to sales.

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"075421365474"

I key the number into the computer, it comes back as being with another
company called Phonical."

"I'm sorry, but you've come through to the wrong customer care number.
I need to give you another number to dial, do you have a pen and paper
to hand."

"What is this? Pass the parcel?"

"No."

"This is the fifth number I've dialled. Can't you help me?"

"Sorry, I would if I could, but I can't access your account details.
You will need to dial this number I'm about to give you. The number
is..."

"Look forget it. I no longer care.."

"Don't you have a copy of your most recent phone bill."

"No I don't, oh hang on yes, it's over here by the phone."

"And what is the name at the top of your bill?"

"Phonical ltd."

"And is there a contact number on there?"

"Well yes."

"And have you dialled that number?"

"No, didn't think to do that, just called directory inquiries."

"Well perhaps you should dial the number on the top of your
bill."

"Can't you transfer me?"

"No, I am a customer care advisor, not a receptionist. We are not
allowed to transfer calls to other companies unless it is for business
reasons."

"Oh... well goodbye then."

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"I would like to cover you in chocolate, then naked, suck your toes one
by one, whilst you recite..."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP - I drop the call -

fu*k off you wierdo.

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your acount or
mobile number please."

"W8976543"

"Thankyou and for security reasons can you confirm you name and
postcode."

"Ma nim i Mzr. Hung Wong poscode i SQ7 5HR."

"Thankyou Mr. Hung Wong, you're speaking to Aaron today how can I help
you."

"Er? not su? how to sey.. my anlish no var gd."

"That's ok, what can I do for you?"

"Hoduchaan??"

"Er? can you repeat that for me please.."

"Hoo duaaachaan?"

I am pressing the headset right to my ear and turning up the volume as
high as it can go.

"Er, am real sorry Mr. Wong, I still didn't quite catch that, could you
please repeat what you said for me, but this time more slowly."

"Hooo? hoooow?. doo? aaa? chang?"

I mouth the words silently to myself trying to guess what they could
be? it is like doing a verbal rubiks cube.

"ullo? anone de?"

Then I get it. "How do you change?" I say finally.

"Yes."

"You want to do an upgrade?"

"Yes, an upgray."

"Cool, er? what I need to do is transfer you to the sales department
and they'll be able to sort that out for you."

"Eh? I don understan?"

"Well we don't do upgrades here in customer care, so we have to
transfer you to another department called sales, who will do it for
you."

"Eh? Sori? what is transfa?"

"A transfer is where we pass the call to another department, who will
then deal with your request."

"I thin yo vary strange? what phon? eh?"

"Is it ok to put you on hold, and I'll transfer you to someone who can
help you."

"Eh, what phon kin aa hav?"

I hit the transfer button, I'll be here all day trying to explain this
to him, I dial the number for sales and hit the transfer button again.
How is he going to understand what sales are selling him if he can't
understand me? How did he get a contract phone in the first place? It
shouldn't be legal. I can imagine him in the phoneshop; there's an
immaculately dressed sales rep stood by his side holding out a bit of
paper and handing him a pen, he's motioning for him to sign it, smiling
with a perfect angelic toothed grin which twinkles momentarily like
something out of a Colgate advert, and then behind his back, a forked
tongue flicks out, as the Chineses guy signs the dotted line ?

I look at my callmaster clock, ten seconds to go until break time?
eight seconds? seven seconds? six? five? four? three? two?

BEEP BEEP

Sh*t! No please? I only had two seconds to go?

"Good Morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please?"

"F5678721"

"Thankyou, and for security reasons can you confirm you name and
postcode."

"My name is Mr. Wright and my postcode is: T25 9LJ."

"Thankyou Mr. Wright. You're speaking to Aaron today how can I help
you?"

"I would like to cancel my account with you."

" I'm sorry to hear that, is there any reason why you want to cancel
with us?"

"Yes you're too expensive, and I can get a better deal
elsewhere."

"Right Mr. Wright. What I need to do is transfer you to our account
management department and they'll discuss cancelling your account with
you."

"Ok."

"Before I do this is there anything else I can help you with
today?"

"No that would be fine thankyou."

"Would it be alright to put you on hold for a minute or two?"

"Yes."

I place the customer on hold, and on the other line I dial for account
management.

"Good morning this is account management. How can I help you?" A
snake-like voice answers.

"Hello this is Aaron from customer care. I have a customer who wants to
cancel with us."

"And does he have a reason?"

"Yes. He says we're too expensive."

"Have you done anything to retain him?"

"No, because I can't change the cost of his monthly line rental, and he
is on the cheapest tariff currently available."

I can almost hear him hissing on the other end of the line.

"Well Aaron," he says. "Have you raised any credits for him? explained
that although it seems other networks are offering cheaper line rental,
their service isn't up to standard, unlike ours which is very
reliable."

"No?" I say in a meek voice. This is what he wants, he likes being in a
position of power and making others feel inferior to him.

"Well you are really supposed to do what you can to save his custom
before you transfer him to me. Our business is to reduce churn wherever
possible, and you are on the front line. You are the first line of
defence remember. However I shall take the call from you, what is the
account number?"

"F5678721"

"I have a Mr. Wright, is that right?"

"That's right."

"Right, well transfer the call Aaron, I will do my best to persuade him
that leaving Swindlefon needn't be the way forward?. my name is
Steve."

"Ok Steve.." I say, you fu*king stupid pri*k. I imagine Steve sat
there, calculating how many deals he needs to get before he can buy his
shiny new sports car, crossing them off one by one on a list by his
keyboard.

I go back to the customer. "Hello, thankyou for holding. I'm going to
transfer you to Steven in account management now, who will discuss the
cancellation of your account with you. Thankyou for calling Swindlefon
Mr. Wright."

I hit the transfer button.

I look at the clock, I am five minutes late for my break? my finger
reaches for the button to logout?

BEEP BEEP

F*ck how do you stop this thing? I just want a cup of tea. Is that too
much to ask God? Is it?

"Hello?? is there anybody there?"

"Uh, sorry? Good morning you're through to Swindlefon, can I take your
account or mobile number please."

"Yeah my mobile number is 0765437631."

"And for security reasons can you confirm your name, postcode and
landline contact number please."

"My name is Mrs. Snowball. My postcode is JH2 9LZ. And I am
ex-directory."

"Well can you confirm the landline contact number we have on the screen
please."

"No, like I have already told you it's ex-directory."

"It is on the screen in front of me, I just need you to confirm it to
me, for security reasons, it's for the data protection act."

"I don't believe you."

"OK the number I have on the screen is: 01212 555 7272, is this
correct?"

"Yes? how did you get that?"

"You gave it to us when you opened this account."

"Oh?"

"Can you confirm the name of the bank you are with?"

"Certainly not."

"It's just a standard DPA procedure, you were unable to confirm your
landline number to me, so I need you to confirm the name of your
bank."

"I don't care, I'm not telling you my bank details."

"But Mrs. Snowball they're on the screen in front of me."

"Are they?"

"Yes."

"What's the name of my bank then?"

"Natwest."

"How did you get that information?"

"You supplied it to us, when you joined. You pay monthly by direct
debit."

"Oh."

"Ok can you confirm the amount of your last invoice?"

"What is this the Spanish inquisition?"

"No I just need you to confirm either one of these three questions to
confirm your identity, it's for security reasons."

"Well I don't have the incoice, I don't know what the amount is? all I
want to do is cancel my account? how the hell do I do this? There is no
information on how to do this on my bill."

"But if you are looking at your bill, surely you can confirm to me the
amount on there?"

"Don't you know how much you're billing me for this month? What sort of
a system do you have there? Surely you don't need me to tell you what
this months bill is."

I give up and let it go. I'm already late for my tea break. "Is there
any reason why you want to cancel with us Mrs. Snowball?"

"Yes I am sick to death of mobile phones, they are the bane of my life.
Wherever you go on the street, on buses, trains, in theatres, everyone
has them, and they go off with those annoying ringtones? I just want
rid of it? I hate it." The line starts buzzing from the microwave
interference of a mobile phone signal, and the sound of a polyphonic
ringtone playing some classical music comes through on the other end of
the line. I hear Mrs. Snowball answer it. "Yes? uh huh? listen I'll
call you back in a minute? is that ok, I'm on the phone to Swindlefon?
Ok? bye." The line goes quiet for a moment? "Now where was I, yes, I
can't stand the darn things, and they're bad for your health? I just
want to get rid of it and?" The polyphonic classical music plays once
again in the background.. and the buzzing of the microwave
interference. "Hello, yes? uh huh.. hey listen can I call you back? Uh
huh? yes I understand what you're saying but? right? hey listen?.
great? ok? I'm on the phone to Swindlefon? yes thankyou? yes I'll call
you back? bye." The line goes quiet again for a moment? "Sorry about
that? now what do I need to do to cancel?"

"Well what I need to do is transfer you to the account management
department and they'll discuss cancelling your account with you. But
before I do is there anything else I can help you with?"

"No, I just want to cancel."

"Is it ok to put you on hold for a minute or two?"

"Yes.. but don't be any longer."

I press the hold button and on the other line I dial the number for
account management, but the line is engaged. I redial, but can't can't
get through, just keep getting a constant engaged tone. I go back to
the customer.

"Hello Mrs. Snowball, thankyou for holding. Unfortunately that
department is engaged, so I can't transfer the call to them, they are
experiencing high call volumes at the moment."

"Lots of people want to cancel huh?"

I can't answer that question, cause I'm not allowed to say anything
that would put Swindlefon into a negative light as it's a critical fail
on my call handling score.

"Anyway because I can't transfer you to account management, I am now
able to tell you how to cancel your account with us." (realizing after
saying this that I didn't phrase it very well - arg I need some lessons
in verbal wizardry man.)

"What? So if all along you are able to tell me how to cancel, why on
earth did you need to transfer me to another department?"

"Well?.er.. because we have to. If a customer wants to cancel we have
to transfer them to account management who are a special department
trained to deal with termination requests, however if they're unable to
take the call, then we deal with the request ourselves. But we must
always try to see if we can transfer the call to account management
first."

"This is awful service. Am I paying for this call?"

"Yes."

"Well you better not waste any more of my time and money and just tell
me what I have to do to cancel."

"You need to give us thirty days written notice."

"What in this day and age. Can't I just cancel over the phone."

"No, it has to be written notice."

"Will you accept fax?"

"No it has to be in the form of a letter."

"That is utterly disgraceful, so I have to write you a letter to cancel
then?"

"Yes, giving us thirty days notice."

"So that means you get an extra thirty days of money off me. Ok what is
the address I need to send the letter to?"

"It is on the top of your last bill. And you need to address it for the
attention of the terminations department."

"Well I must say this can't be legal."

"It's in the terms and conditions of your contract Mrs.
Snowball."

"Right then, thankyou very much for wasting my time and money - the
letter is on it's way, goodbye."

"Thankyou for calling Swindlefon Mrs. Snowball."

The call is over, my finger is on the ready to logout for my
break?

BEEP BEEP

AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"I don't have an account or mobile number. I just want to pay my gas
bill."

"I'm sorry sir, you have dialled an incorrect number, this is
Swindlefon customer care."

"Look I haven't got time for this, all I want to do is pay my gas bill,
will you just take my card details and get on with it please."

"Sir we are a mobile phone service provider, not a gas supplier. We
deal in mobile phones and airtime not gas."

"Does it matter? Please, all I want to do is pay my gas bill, I'm going
to be cut off."

"I'm sorry, but I do not have your account details, we don't supply
gas."

"Can't you just take my card details anyway?"

"Look do you have a copy of the bill in front of you?"

"Yes."

"And what is the name on top of that bill."

"Swindlefon... oh I see what you mean... I'm looking at the wrong
bill... hang on... oh yeah I need to call Gas 4 U ltd. Sorry I'll dial
that number, bye."

BEEP BEEP

"Good morning you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take your account or
mobile number please."

"I would like to rub your back in an anti-clockwise direction smearing
it with toothpaste, then move down to your feet and lick your..."

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP - I drop the call.

My fingers almost make it to the logout button...

BEEP BEEP

S*it!! BEEP BEEP up your a*se, you f*cking machine. This is driving me
nuts...

"Hello? Anybody there?" The voice drones in my ear.

"Er, sorry. Good afternoon you're through to Swindlefon. Can I take
your account or mobile number please."

"Good afternoon? It is ten twenty three in the morning according to my
watch."

"Er.. sorry I meant to say good morning."

"Well ok, I suggest you check your clock young man. My account number
is C5723498"

"Thankyou and for security reasons can you confirm your name, postcode
and landline contact number please."

"My name is Mr. Tickle, my postcode is GR4 9XU and my landline is 01345
765892."

"Thankyou Mr. Tickle, you're speaking to Aaron today, how can I help
you?"

"Well Aaron, I sent you a letter requesting cancellation of my account
about three months ago, but my line still appears to be active and I am
still being billed - why?"

I race through the screens, but there aren't any notes to say we
received a letter of termination from the customer.

"I'm sorry sir, but there appears to be no notes on the system to say
we have received your letter."

"Well I definitely sent that letter, I have proof, and I know you got
it, because I sent it by recorded delivery and somebody must have
signed for it."

"Can you remember the date when you sent it?"

"Yes I have a copy of the recorded delivery slip here, I sent it on the
eleventh of Febuary this year."

"Right, it appears that something must have gone wrong somewhere, I
will need to transfer you to another department who will look into this
for you."

"Do you really need to transfer me?"

"Yes, it is another department who deals with lost termination letters,
they're called account management."

"Ok, you better transfer me to them then."

"Before I do transfer you, is there anything else I can help you
with?"

"No, I just want to get this darn thing cancelled."

"Would it be ok to put you on hold for a minute or two?"

"Yes, but not any longer please."

I hit the hold button and dial the number for account management. I get
through this time, but there is a queue, I wait in the queue for twenty
seconds before going back to the customer.

"Hello, Mr. Tickle, thankyou for holding. There is a queue for account
management at the moment, would it be ok to transfer you into the
queue?"

"Whose paying for this call?"

"You are."

"I do hope you are joking. I will expect to be fully reimbursed for any
costs incurred due to your companies incompetence - go on, pass me into
the queue."

"At the end of the queue someone will ask for your account or mobile
number and they'll just ask for you to confirm your details again.
Thankyou for calling Swindlefon Mr. Tickle."

I hit the transfer button and place the customer into the account
management queue. Then with lightening fast reflexes I manage this time
to hit the log out button before any more calls come through -- sighing
I go for my well earned fifteen minute tea break.

to be continued?

(Part Two coming soon: Aaron gets to find out what the Magic button
does.)