No Place Like Nothgirb

Calm waves soothed a battered shore. A seagull feasted on a condom.
Neb was another dreadlocked hippy who had been washed up here. He'd
moved down initially some seven years earlier from Nodnol. (He'd not
been sporting the dreadlocks then.) The sea that he looked out upon
this evening was what had brought him here- having called to him whilst
under the influence of magic mushrooms. Nothgirb's beach was relatively
empty now, this being the tail end of summer. It had been swarming with
hedonists just a few months earlier when local DJ Thin Boy Fat had
packed it out for a free music event. Now it was so quiet you could
hear a small stone splash. He threw another. This breakwater was where
he came to not think whenever he wanted to chill, and, like today,
nurse lack-of-love wounds (mixed with grotty drugs comedown). The joint
he was trying to smoke kept going out, but it didn't matter. His mind
drifted off, off far out to sea... The flying pyramids came into his
field of vision after his seventh or eighth drag.

UFOs Sighted Above Nothgirb! exclaimed the following morning's
newspapers. The local paper The Sugar consisted mainly of photos of
these. Twenty three of them could be counted in one of the pictures-
twenty three triangular spacecraft each surrounded by a dazzling red or
green light. Neb was one of only about fifty people who had witnessed
these, alas not the one with the camera (who'd sold his photos to The
Sugar and nationals for large amounts of cash). Another was Ben, who
Neb had met at the scene, just after the police had arrived and the
spacecraft gone, who said he'd photographed everything mentally. Ben
was about Neb's age (which was twenty seven), dressed in ripped combat
attire, with black tattos (skulls, Buddhas) and half his hair shorn. He
wore odd trainers and clutched a tin of Special Brew. He offered a glug
to Neb, who sure needed it, and ended up going back to his place for a
smoke.

Neb's council flat was a short walk from the sea- inhabited by him
and, funnily enough, an inflatable alien that stood in his front window
overlooking the street. He and a neighbour had struggled to get a Jesus
Christ Superstar T Shirt over its enormous head the other day. They'd
pierced it in the process and the poor alien was now starting to
deflate. Neb checked for messages on his answerphone- just someone
doing silly voices, croaking "ET phoning home." He hit Play on the
stereo and tekno started pounding. "Nice gaff," Ben commented, his eyes
feeding on the decor. The living room was an art space that had evolved
over time- created from party flyers, friends' drawings and (dancing)
sultana packets. The sultanas danced all the way round the walls. They
were mad. There was a three dimensional Incredible Hulk face with a
dummy in its gob. "Tea? Coffee?" Neb asked "You take sugar? Soya milk?"
"I've got more Brew," Ben announced, and he produced two cans of Spesh
from his combats' pockets. "Cool," said Neb as one was handed to him,
and they cracked them simultaneously. "To our visitors from the skies,"
suggested Ben. The two new friends clinked their cans.

"Sorry I ended up crashing man," Ben said to Neb the next morning- to
"That's OK geez. We drunk a helluva lot of Special Brew." The cans had
just kept coming out of Ben's magic combats' pockets and the two had
drunk themselves into oblivion whilst shooting the breeze about life,
death, extra terrestrials, girls and alla dat.

"Yeah, girls are bad news," Neb stated. Bad news because he fancied
them. He could get on a great deal better with geezers because he did
not fancy them in the least. Low self esteem and fear of love (this
greater than his fear of rejection) meant that he never got anywhere
with the girls that he liked. He was a tortured artist who spent months
anguishing over each muse. He wrote some terrible unrequited love
poetry. "Girls do tend to be bad news," Ben agreed "but I find some of
them are quite pleasurable to shag." Neb frowned. It had been so long
since he had last got intimate with a girl- since he had last even
kissed one on the cheek. Gay men had shown interest in him. There were
plenty of gay folk in Nothgirb. There were also plenty of straight
women, but none of these were ever interested in him, oh no. "They're
evil." he said- or was that the Special Brew talking? "Cold blooded
mermaids, beautiful bitches. God damn them." It was shortly after this
outburst that he passed out himself. He had succeeded in avoiding
mentioning the latest girl, Dawn.

Dawn was glad that it was approaching winter. She figured that if she
wore more clothes she would get less blokes hassling her, falling in
(what they claimed to be) love with her. Just going to the beach in a
bikini could be traumatic. She couldn't deal with the bullshit that she
had to endure. It wasn't that she didn't want love- she wanted husband,
kids, the whole works. She just didn't want to be somebody's shag. She
was a beautiful twenty three year old girl and she knew it. Often this
felt like a curse. "Guys are bad news," her friend Wand agreed with
her. "To these alien males being better than Nothgirb ones," said Dawn,
and they clinked cans of Brew.

* * *

"I've always felt a bit like an alien," Neb said to Ben over a spliff
in Vapillion Gardens. "Like alienated. Self alienated you know." Ben
nodded. It had been a week since the pyramid UFOs sighting (and their
meeting) and unfortunately the spacecraft had not returned. The
newspapers had already forgotten about them, but Neb and Ben had not.
"I was scared at first, I don't mind admitting it," went on Neb, "but
then I thought they could be here to take me home!" This world just did
not make any sense to Neb. The inequality, the wars. His inability to
find love in it particularly. "Cor look at them," said Ben suddenly,
pointing out a group of fine looking student gals. "Finnish," he
reckoned, "Shall we move in for the kill?" Neb felt his heart racing.
Did not know what to do. "Nah man, I'm too stoned," he mumbled. Or too
terrified. "OK," Ben shrugged "we'll go on the pull tomorrow night. I
get my giro. We can do a few pubs, then hit a party."

Tomorrow night happened too soon. Neb was not ready for it. He downed
the Dutch courage like it was going out of fashion. First watering hole
they visited was The Old Kensington, which was full of crusties, punks
and various other subcultures all trying to out shock each other. A
direct action group calling themselves The Lucifer Liberation Front
were holding a meeting at ten. Leaflets lay scattered about the tables
encouraging people to be part of the revolution. Neb and Ben left half
an hour before this meeting commenced and moved on to The Arnold.
"We'll find some ladies there," Ben assured Neb, "Ladies rather than
riot grrrls."

Dawn and Wand happened to be in The Arnold, enjoying their drinks and
the live reggae, when Neb and Ben came staggering in through the door.
They'd only had a few pints in The Kenny and shared a Brew on the way
here but already they were steaming. "Alright Dawn," said Neb when his
eyes focused on her. "Alright Neb," she responded. Wow! he thought.
"I'm Ben," Ben announced, holding out his hand. Dawn went to shake it
and he stepped forward and kissed her on the cheek. "This is Wand,"
dawn introduced her friend, and he did the same to her. "Get drinks in
all round," Ben instructed Neb, slipping him a crisp twenty.

There was still giro left by closing time so Ben decided he would
shout a cab to the free party that they had heard from some bod selling
pills was happening a few miles down the coast at Hamshore. Ben was
laying the charm on thick with Dawn. It was repulsive smarm. Neb and
Wand might as well have been invisible. They had been ignored by the
rambling Ben for the last hour. Dawn was taking the smarm with a large
sprinkling of salt. She was drunk enough herself to find it
entertaining. Neb was frowning and finding his fist clenching. Wand
just sipped her drink. "Happy pills!" said Ben, momentarily remembering
the others, and he dished out the scored Es. "And I've got some LSD for
later," he added, tapping his combats' pocket. What the heck, thought
Dawn, I might as well check out this trip. Their cab arrived and took
them to the party.

"Oi oi!" everyone went round shouting to one another. Some sat by
fires. Others danced. Others threw sticks for their dogs. A fair sized
tribe had gathered and more arrived by car or foot. So far two systems-
Bass Station and Know Real Threat- were up and running- these playing
psychedelic trance and drum and bass. Three more rigs- house, tekno and
miscellania- were setting up. Each outfit had its own light show and
PA. This party being created on Hamshore seafront hence resembled a UFO
landing site. Neb thought of Close Encounters and the communication
with aliens through musical tones.

Within an hour everybody present was wasted- those that chose to
partake in mind altering substances zonked on these, whilst others were
high on the atmosphere alone. The vibe was good and the music eclectic.
The people danced for joy. This UFO landing site type scenario also
resembled a church. It was the weekend service. DJs pumped out The
Word. Poet MCs rapped it. The Lucifer Liberation Front, fresh out of
their meeting in The Old Kensington, handed out their self published
spiritual and anti political Alarm Call. Neb had to read this short
newsletter over a few times because the words kept jumping. The ecstasy
had kicked in and he had also eaten some acid, and now Ben was chopping
him up a line of horse tranquilliser. "Ketamine is a dissociative
anaesthetic," he was explaining to him. (If it was good enough for
horses...) OK, he would add that flavour to the mix.

Within another hour Neb was off his face. "I'm off my face," he felt
inclined to tell everyone. Though speaking the words was something of a
problem, and moving impossible. "Mov mah fez," he attemped with Dawn
"Ah am," but she was too busy listening to Ben. "You've got really cool
eyes you know that," he was telling her. Neb thought that he may puke.
Wand was looking out to sea rolling a big Bob Marley style bifter. The
others didn't seem anywhere near as far gone as he. Enjoy it, he told
himself, and gave up trying to talk. But then the police arrived, and
somewhere amidst the chaos that ensued, he was arrested.

* * *

"Come on, let us out!" Neb shouted, pressing the buzzer repeatedly.
There had been a tune playing at the party that had sounded like this.
"Enough is enough. Good wind up, fair dues, but it has overrun!" He'd
been in the cell for heaven knew how long just staring at the phone
number for Crimestoppers. What puzzled him was how he or anyone was
expected to ring it without a phone in the cell. How had he got here?
He tried to take his mind back to the party, but ended up going back
further in time to the night of the UFOs. He found himself being
abducted and actually boarding one of the twenty three craft. His
memory had totally blanked out all of this until now.

"Come on, let us out," he appealed to his captors from his isolation
chamber, but once they did he wished that he could have stayed where he
was. His memory had had to block out this particular experience since
it had proved to be so utterly disturbing.

"We're going to probe you for illegal substances," laughed a sadistic
copper, sticking his big sweaty hand into a rubber glove...

He was strapped down with beings in white coats hovering above his
waterproof bed. He was an experiment. "Yes we may have to consider
electroshock treatment," one of the experimenters was saying,
scratching his chin.

"What drugs have you taken?" the police doctor enquired. "I dunno,"
shrugged Neb. He really didn't.

And suddenly he was back in his cell. Him, four walls and the
Crimestoppers number. How had he got here? he wondered. He saw a vision
of him punching Ben and then a cop truncheoning him. The police had
busted the party and a load of revellers had started a chant calling
them party poopers, and then he'd caught sight of that bastard Ben
snogging Dawn.

He awoke in Viillmew psychiatric hospital. He had a pounding
headache...

* * *

He had been labelled with drug psychosis. It might have been an
enlightenment had it not been filtered through the green eyes of envy.
He'd seen it all to be a dream and not reality so he had done what he'd
felt like. The cops, real or not, had not agreed with this. Nor had
Ben, although he hadn't fought back. Neb had been taken down the
station and then transported to here. "You've got visitors," he was
told. Ben, Dawn and Wand. "I come in peace," said Ben, extending a
Winston Churchill victory sign. "Yeah, I'm chilled too," Neb answered,
gouching on the medication. They'd pumped him so full of who knew what
that he could barely keep his eyes open. "I'm sorry I hit you," he
managed to mumble, staring at the floor. He was sorry that he had lost
control. For several years now he had tried to be a hippy. Peace and
love, maaan. "I didn't know Dawn was the girl you were obsessed with,"
Ben said, slapping his arm, "I mean had you told me I woulda made a
move on Wand instead."

Dawn frowned. Ben was the first bloke she had allowed to snog her in
over a year, and here he was saying that he could just as happily have
snogged Wand. Wand too was unimpressed with hearing this and gritted
her teeth, but Ben continued: "I love girls, but I won't obsess over
any one in particular for I see all as one." "Yeah, one hole!" Dawn
cried out in disgust. "That's right, one whole," Ben said
cosmically.

One whole. Neb had seen the oneness. And his own isolation. He longed
for Dawn- a dawning of a new better world. For someone or something to
make it all make sense. For him to see the oneness all the time. He'd
use this time in the nuthouse to get his head straight, and then he'd
carry on.

* * *

The Lucifer Liberation Front leaflet was interesting. It stated that
The Armageddon had already happened, ending all restrictive concepts
such as money, time and the hierarchical Babylon system. It went on to
say that The New Age / Eternal Free Reality / Heaven On Planet Heart
was right here NOW as soon as one woke up to it. Neb had felt awake
when he had freaked out. It had felt freaky being both awake and
dead.

I hope Neb's OK, thought Dawn as she sat braiding her hair on the
seafront. She cared about the guy- just didn't fancy him. She didn't
fancy that Ben anymore either. He was a tart. She was returning to
staying single. Sod men altogether. Ben had made a move on Wand, but
she had knocked him back.

"Wimmin!" Ben huffed to Neb on one of his visits, "I do not understand
'em! It's like they're from another planet. What goes on in their
heads?"

Neb was through with wimmin. Once and for all. It was the only way
that he would mend. After some emotional budgeting he had summised that
he was mentally broke and simply could not afford to fall in love
again. His gambling by going there in the past had been disastrous for
both his heart and wallet. The rejections had resulted in astronomical
alcohol and drugs bills. Hence his decision to no longer chase or pine
over girls came down to simple economics.

"Alright," the doctors said to him before too long, "we think you're
ready to go back into society." He had been ready to do this since
coming down from the drugs cocktail, but had appreciated the short
holiday. Nobody he'd met in Viilmew had been mad or a nut except
perhaps one or two of the psychiatrists. The patients were merely
members of the walking wounded, but there were billions of those
clomping about out there. Neb said his goodbyes and made for the
hospital's front door, then felt an acid flashback coming on.

Uh oh, everything was melting into a white light. The ears of the
orderlies escorting him out were turning Captain Spock-like. Neb tried
not to sman or he would be detained here for even longer. The days
or weeks he had spent here had been fine, but long enough. A rush ran
through him- this first ecstatic, then becoming a shiver of fear. So he
was dead- so he was being led to heaven... Or to the spacecraft- to
more disturbing experiments? He was the walking experiment... "Are you
OK mate?" one of the orderlies asked him. "Uh huh," he trembled. Almost
there. What waited beyond that door? His own maggot infested corpse?
He'd always wondered what death would be like- was convinced that this
was it. So how had he died then? And when? He took his mind back to the
party... That copper's truncheon did have pretty hard impact... But
could it have been earlier than then? Could he have been dead all
along? Could The Armageddon have happened as early as birth without his
spirit having been able to accept it? "Am I dead?" he wanted to ask the
orderlies, but he also wanted to get out of there. He started to sweat.
He had to cling on to the walls. "Are you OK man?" the orderly asked
him with more urgency. The other one turned the door handle and

suddenly there were fireworks!

Green and red light filled up the sky. Millions of light being aliens
greeted him. (More than the numbers that had turned up to see Thin Boy
Fat.) "This is an interesting turn of events..." commented his mother.
"Isn't it just..." agreed his dad. His sisters were here, their
boyfriends, his brother with a girl, his Nodnol friends, his Nothgirb
friends, his friends from other places. There were so many people
present, and cool animals he had encountered too. Plus people and
animals past: his deceased grandad, deceased friends, Peace and Love
his pet rats. The people he had known to be suffering were not
suffering anymore. The walking wounded smiled for they had all been
healed. The orderlies helped him up and pushed him straight into them.
And they were One.

EPILOGUE

Calm waves soothed a battered shore. A seagull feasted on a condom. Neb
sat smoking a spliff looking out to sea. The world once more was
peaceful. He no longer felt inclined to party himself to death- ODing
on pills and thrills resulting in Monday to Friday headaches and
psychosis. He had calmed down from alla dat and was being kind to his
braincell. He saw that all the excessive drug taking had been rebellion
against not having what he really wanted- an easy, quiet life. Ideally
shared with a nice female companion, though this was never on the
cards. Now he accepted not having a companion and looked after himself.
Still checked out parties from time to time of course. Neb the Boy had
grown up into a Man albeit a sometimes lonely one. He kept himself
occupied with writing- was working on a Nothgirb set short story that
he planned to put on the Internet. Whilst caning substances like acid
and ketamine he had believed that aliens would come from the stars and
free him, but now he'd realised that one had to do that oneself. By no
longer trying to bust out of his cage he did feel a great deal freer.
He made the best of his situation. He loved his family and his
friends.

On one of twenty three spacecraft hovering above a lesser known planet
called earth Neb (Dawn, Ben and Wand)'s Creator smiled to
Hirself.

A BEGINNING...