True Love

Nothing compares to a mother's love. My mother's love. And as I
stand here
hugging this pillow, I know it to be the truth. She has always been a
part of my life.
She gave me life. Growing up, I never held much store by the fact that
she carried
me inside her for nine months. To look at her now, and to look at me,
it all seems so
unlikely, impossible even...but she did it. That is fact.
But she gave me so much more than that...and it is for all those
millions of tiny
reasons that I am standing here now. We talked about this moment long
before it
ever arose, neither of us ever believing it would come to this...and
now it has, I can't
fail her.

I sit by her side and watch the faint movement of the blankets as her
chest barely
rises and falls in silent breath. I have held my breath a thousand
times in recent
nights, hoping beyond hope....She's a strong woman, my mother, far
stronger than
she ever knew.
I watch the lines on her face as they begin to smooth themselves. She
knows it is
almost time, I am sure of that, and she is ready. The skin of her
eyelids is almost
translucent and, although her eyes are closed, I can feel her watching
me, looking at
me with approval.

Before I came here tonight, I went for a walk in the park. We used to
go there. She
loved that place. And in a quiet corner of that park, I threw back my
head and
looked to the heavens. I stood with my arms outstretched in a silent
plea for
strength, for once not caring how ridiculous I looked. The late evening
sun stained
the corner of the sky and soft warm drops of rain mingled with the
silent tears on
my cheeks.

One day, a long time ago, I made a promise and tonight I must keep it.
I will not
waver, this is the least I can do, my parting gift to the woman who
loved me so
much despite everything I ever did to test that love.

I came early tonight. I sat with her and held her hand, her skin felt
so soft and
fragile beneath my fingers and I was scared she might tear into a
million pieces
under my touch. I talked to her, in a voice so soft I doubt she heard a
single word,
but she knew what was in my heart. We had no further need for
words....

Later I stripped her and washed her, sponging her delicately and drying
her with
the softest towels I could find, warmed for extra comfort. And I
powdered her skin
and inhaled the freshly washed scent of her. She leaned against me
while I dressed
her in clean cotton. Her favourite. And then I scooped her up in my
arms and held
her close, nuzzling her hair with dry lips that trembled. The chair was
filled with
plump cushions and as I laid her bones amidst their softness she
sighed, her eyelids
fluttered and she smiled at me. While she sat near the open window, the
breeze
playing lightly on her eager face, I stripped the bed and replaced the
linen,
plumping the pillows and arranging them carefully, her comfort
uppermost in my
mind.
When I was finished, I sat by her side and took her hand. We didn't
speak but she
nodded, the slightest movement of her head and closed her eyes. As I
took her in
my arms once more and lifted her back to the bed she gasped, her eyes
flew open,
her hand reaching for mine in urgency. I feared I had hurt her but she
gripped my
fingers with a strength that surprised me and gazed deep into my eyes,
questioning.
Tears prickled at my lashes and I couldn't speak for fear of what I
might say. I
squeezed my eyes shut trying to keep the tears from falling and I
nodded four times,
just like we'd agreed. I felt her relax in my arms and she closed her
eyes and the
warm breath oozed softly from between her lips.

I lay her gently on the cool linen and covered her with the freshly
laundered sheet.
When she was settled, I sat on the stool by the bedside and held her
hand once
again. I stroked the papery skin on the back of her hand with my
finger, tracing tiny
circles between the wrinkles and veins. She lay still and I whispered
to her
She squeezed my hand, gave the sign, and I stood and picked up the
pillow.
' I love you' I told her and, although she didn't utter a sound, I
heard her reply 'I
know. I love you too'.
And I lay the pillow over her face and held it there. She didn't
struggle. She just
accepted my gift. A parting gift from a daughter to her mother, in
recognition of true
love.