Union - August 30 2002

06.56 am I had a look at the threads in the forum this morning. I
see the troll has been busy again. Really I should feel flattered they
are taking the time and effort to have a go. I also curious as to why
even the trolls are attacking each other. Must be the storm due soon. I
am listening to "International Superhits".

Yesterday (29) I woke up late and therefore did not have time to write
my online journal. I fed the cats as usual, and then went to work. On
the train I listened to the new Bad Religion CD I bought at Reading.
And a bit of the Alkaline Trio album.

I spent the morning testing out a new version of the Bloodstock app and
collecting the tapes, otherwise it was quiet. I also carted over some
rubbish from the debris left over from installing the new servers to
our other site.

At lunchtime I went in HMV and bought an Ash CD plus their new single
in a different cover and the DVD limited to 5000 copies. I rang Erin
briefly but she wasnt there, no doubt still busy. I had my panini and
latte from Starbucks.

The afternoon passed reasonably quickly, spent it working on the
database app that I maintain from time to time.

I got the train home and listened to the Ash album.

When I got home I went online for a while, and checked my email and
read the forum again. Then I went offline and had tea and watched a
film called Royal Tennenbaum with my wife. Later I went back online and
did some more emails and read the forums again. Erin was out this
evening so we didnt have a chat.

I also added a journal entry for Aug 29 as I hadn't had time in the
morning to write it.

I suppose I should have the answers. But sometimes, we take
things
for granted, even though we are aware that times change and
people
change.

I suppose that since I spend a lot of time at work, occasionally
its
nice to think I have something new and exciting to enjoy when I
am
not at work, except that in doing so, I place an increasing
reliance
on it. Sometimes to the point of being foolish.

What am I searching for? I guess for one thing a girl who shares
my
interests. A girl who I can see bands with and we both like the
same
music. My wife doesnt like 90\% of the music I listen to now and
I
sometimes wonder if we wore the same sort of clothes and went out
to
see the same bands and danced in the mosh pit....(thats the area
at
the front full of crazy people all dancing wildly)....but the
reality
is maybe a friend that I can fall in love with and not have it
all
get messy. A girl at midnight, holding her close in the rain, and
see
the tears melt away in the rain. Knowing that what we have may be
transitory or it may be real, and having her kiss me because she
loves me too and not because we are saying good bye. I wonder if
such
a girl exists, except in my mind, when I am alone I imagine some
girl
like that with me. It may be my wife, it may be another. I dont
know,
the answer is never clear.

When I was alone at Reading Rock Festival on the Friday I had to think
positive and go
off and see what I could find. I dont think I ask for much, or
maybe
I do, because I have a need or desire for a girl to kiss me
first,
say that I am okay and that they really like me. It's not that
much
fun when I am always the first to make the move. It has happened
only
twice to me before. I spend most of my time falling in the rain,
watching the clouds spin across the sky, and sit on the beach in
my
mind looking at the water lapping at the edge of the beach.

Sometimes the glare from the sun is too bright and we get burned.

I'll continue to buy CDs and play my guitar.:) And write songs
and
poems and stories, because I am a writer and that's what writers
do.

We get fucked up at times and then we get depressed. I have had a lot
of dark despair over the past few weeks. My wife said that I should
know better than to go into chat and just get upset. My father suffers
from acute depression at times, and so do I.

The garden has been finished, it is a lot clearer now at the back and
front.