Petty Larceny, 5 Steps to Balancing Your Household Budget

Let’s face it, now more than ever it’s difficult to balance the household budget without using some financial and moral creativity. If you’ve tried and failed using conventional personal finance advice from the likes of Suze Orman and that talking baby from the E-trade commercials, maybe it’s time to consider another, less-well-known tactic. Ponder the wisdom expressed by the late Abbie Hoffman:

“To steal from a brother or sister is evil. To not steal from the institutions that are the pillars of the Pig Empire is equally immoral. “

So really you just need to divide the world into brothers and sisters – no stealing, and pillars of the Pig Empire – stealing ok. The fiscal genius of this mission statement is that for most of us, especially non-Catholics, the ok-to-steal-from side of the ledger is far greater than the side that is off limits. (See appendix A for dealing with siblings who are pillars of the Pig Empire)

The road to financial security through petty larceny can be laid out in five easy steps:

Step 1- Beat the crap out of the angel on your shoulder whose whiny voice is telling you that you may be in morally murky waters. Has the sniveling, androgynous cherub been right so far? Is the moral high ground to be found at the overpass you’ll be sleeping under if things keep going this way? Give the little bastard a swift kick in the groin and move on to:

Step 2- Set a budget, or better yet, have a professional do it for you for free. I mean really, if you knew how to layout and stick to a budget, we wouldn’t be talking now would we? The demanding principals of moral ambiguity leave absolutely no room for amateurish financial planning; they do however command that you can not fairly compensate a professional CPA to do the work for you. Pick a CPA who is easily intimidated and likely to cower from subtle threats of physical violence. (This includes virtually all CPAs). Once the budget is safely in your hands, it’s time to negotiate payment. A good opening statement is crucial to making sure the agreed upon sum is less than or equal to zero. A nice boiler plate statement that has proven effective for me is: “so Kenny, (subtly switching to movie gangster accent) dis is really a nice office, youse got insurance?” This is the beginning of a dialogue that will usually end in a settlement favorable to you.

Congratulations!! You’ve taken a big step on the road to financial and ethical freedom. Now it’s time to:

3- Choose your targets. It’s time to narrow down the list of people and companies you should steal from. The moral issue has been settled, but what else should you look for in an unwilling supporter of your family’s finances? Most importantly, you must determine whether a person or company has stuff that is worth stealing. Fortunately, this isn’t as difficult as most people imagine. Many people advertise the presence of goods that are of sufficient value to warrant your larceny efforts. A good rule of thumb is: “The bigger the shoplifter warning sign, the juicier the target”. Once you have chosen a promising target, you must now consider:

Step 4 -Risk management. Believe it or not, not everyone will support your efforts to live in a financially responsible manner. There are actually armed men and women, paid for with your very own tax dollars, who are trained by the government to keep your family in the poorhouse. Admittedly, this is an outrageous situation for a supposedly progressive society. The key to dealing with these nay-sayers is to set your justifiable anger aside and calmly develop a strategy that lets you accomplish your financial goals while stealthily avoiding the bullies who wish to stand in your way. The best way to outwit these thugs is through the use of diversionary tactics. Have an accomplice fake a medical emergency such as a heart attack or epileptic seizure, in a prominent area of your “personal warehouse” (replacing the term “department store” with “my personal warehouse” is an act of affirmation that boosts your confidence as you begin to grow into the new, financially healthy you) ! Take advantage of the resulting chaos by filling your pockets with useful and valuable items from…. Say it with me, “MY PERSONAL WAREHOUSE”

I’m so proud of you! Your hard work and attention to detail are paying off. You have made startling metamorphosis from cry-baby, handout-seeking worm to pillar-of-society, financially independent Monarch Butterfly. It is now time to:

Step 5 Enjoy your success; invite some friends over for dinner. Share both the fruits of your labor and the strategy that made it happen. Oh and… don’t forget to “pick up” something nice for the entrée!