Shared values

Does it shed needles? Nah! Why would it do that if it’s not dead? It’s a living thing is this tree, not a blinking boa constrictor. That’s what the Mail call it, a living tree, reusable for years to come. Just carefully dig around it, pull at it, shake a bit of dirt off its roots, stick the thing in a big bucket or a sawn off beer barrel, throw the soil in and pack it down, then all you need to do is smack the fairy lights on and there’s your Christmas tree. Easier than housing an immigrant. Talk of the town too, and no sticking it in the street once it’s done its job like the rest of them. 

No need to cut it down or kill it either.

Don’t make sense to do that if you can keep it alive and use it next year. Constant source of energy and all that bollocks.

Once it’s new year, just take it out to the garden, dig a nice hole, plonk it in and watch it sit there till this time next year. They’ll probably start getting swiped after all this promo though. That’s the way with people. One good idea inevitably leads to another. All you have to do is rip the fucker out of the ground and scarper. It’s not like you’re nicking anything. Not really. 

Old Charlie’s press office people think it’s the best thing ever so they’ve got him to stand next to one for his pre-recorded Christmas message. Not sure how he’ll switch from his brilliant new tree to that little problem in Gaza. Tricky transition. 

Anyway, I wonder what happens to that big one they stick up in Trafalgar Square, the one that Norway bungs us every year. Probably cart it off to some factory to make shavings for chipboard to board up empty houses to stop people having somewhere to kip. Keeps the market buoyant and there’s always plenty of room on the streets. Funny that there’s twice as many empty homes as there are homeless families in B and B’s, and that’s not including the tens of thousands of flats above shops around the country lying unloved. 

Still, nice touch, that tree, living and breathing it all in next to bonnie king Charlie. 

Gaza’s tricky though. From living trees to homeless families and on to dead babies blown up inside their mums at refugee camps. They’re not stopping for Christmas either. Oh no, they’d rather quibble over the wording of resolution agreements than stop murdering kids. Not sure they can use the old locating of terrorists in underground bunkers chestnut but let’s see. They can say whatever they like, it won’t make a blind bit of difference. Most people just look away at the gory bits on the news and thank fuck they’re not Palestinian. Not me. I likes the gory bits, makes me feel alive. Only the other day they threw a woman out of a fifth floor window and then shot her in front of her family. I keep seeing that scene just before bedtime. They’re popping a journalist a day too so there won’t be any left soon, which would suit the army down to the ground. Carte Blanche to murder kids and babies. 

Us? We’re like parliament. Don’t talk much about it much at the house. Dave calls it shared values.