The day he decided to die.

The chemotherapy had been going on way too long, it was bad. He'd been told by the doctors that it would be a rough ride, but no one prepared him for this. Four months of isolation in one room, four months of a continual bombardment of toxic drugs, four months of misery and pain. When they said they had to kill him to cure him he thought they were joking.

The diagnosis for leukaemia had been given over a year ago. He'd managed to hold off from the inevitability of his situation, but now here he was. It wasn't just the fact that he hadn't eaten for nearly 3 months or that he was desperatley depressed, it was something else, something beyond the understanding of the mind. He had just literally had enough of it all.

On this particular night he was laying on the bed looking out through the window into the blackness of the night sky. A feeling of peace had come over him, probably because he knew that now he'd made this decision he wouldn't have to endure the suffering anymore.

Just then the door opened behind him and in the window's reflection he could see Martin the Nigerian nurse standing at the door with more polythene bags full of various coloured liquids to pour into his emaciated body.

"No, please no more Martin". He groaned. Martin halted at the door and time stood still. "No more Martin, I dont want anymore of this." He said. "But Tony you know you have to have this, it is what is making you better." Martin had been very kind to Tony throughout the time he had been having treatment and Tony felt glad that it was him he was telling this to. " But I dont feel better Martin, I just feel sick and tired and I've had enough." Martin moved closer to the bed. "No I mean it mate. No more of this, thats it, I've had enough, I really can't take it" Martin sat by the side of the bed and became quiet.

Tony started to cry, he felt like going somewhere else, he needed respite and to get out of this terrible Hell. He also knew there was no real escape, not really, and deep down he also knew there was no other option, either go on suffering, or die. "What a fuckin choice", he thought out loud.

But there was another problem, if thats what you can call it, what did it really mean to die, what was dying? In movies like the 'Philadelphia story' there was sad music playing as Tom Hanks was slowly dying a terrible death, and there was a story. You could watch it and feel sad but you never really knew how that guy was suffering, not really.

Tony had always believed that death would be like going to sleep with sad music playing, with all the people that you loved there with you smiling lovingly. But he was alone now and there was no music playing. Just the distant sounds of the hospital and the dark black night outside, in that moment he felt the weight of it all.

Martin quietly stood up and walked towards the door, "I'll leave you for a while Tony to have a think about it". The door closed and in the darkness Tony was left alone to think.