#12 The Apprentice: the toff with the tartan paint

Eh, that was some series. Just utterly triumphant, riveting viewing.

But enough of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps. Did you check The Apprentice?

And what do you make of new protegé Simon Ambrose, the Hampstead Hoodie? If you ask me this has to be the luckiest plum gob in the history of posh boys. Repeatedly he escaped the boot in spite of world-beating incompetence and a tenacious insistence on looking like a cock.

Once Tre bailed out Simon, his lap dog, by not boardrooming him. Simon has spent the series so far up Tre’s arse, he could have told you at any point what the Ali-G-alike had eaten in the past five minutes.

Unforgettable was Simon’s performance for a shopping channel. Ignoring early indications that he was utterly useless, he chose himself to go solo. Selling trampolines, he showed how easy they were to assemble. Televisual aurum.

The nation collectively folded over with asphyxiated laughter as Simon put something out there to rival the elephant taking a dump on Blue Peter. He twisted in each ten-inch cylindrical leg, one by one, at the exact position his dick would be were it erect. We all begged for mercy as he turned it the wrong way, turned back again, and peppered the glee-inducing shambles with comments like, “Children will like playing with it” and “Adults will love it too”.

But this highlighted something fans have long suspected. The tasks have bollocks all to do with the firings. Though Simon’s main contribution had been breakdancing, and spitting “on da mike” what the “streets” were not about (not about low-cost airlines, apparently), it was clear “Sir Alan” (as he’s sickeningly referred to) had a soft spot for Mr Dippy.

Here’s where the Sugar spin comes in. The players had chosen gear for their team mates to sell on TV. Simon sold none of Naomi’s trampolines. Who was blamed? Naomi, for choosing a duff product for Simon. This sidesteps the possibility that hundreds may have sold, had potential customers not been debilitated by mirth and consequently unable to reach the phone.

Simes chose a pricey wheelchair for Tre and Naomi to flog, spawning one of the best sarcastic Tre-isms of the run: “So Simon, are you going for the disabled market?” Sugar thought the choice stank. Naomi and Tre overcame the impossible and shifted two. Sugar’s verdict? Great product selection by Simon.

Long have the tales of quitting superjobs smelt of bull excrement. But think on: it’s the bearded dwarf that manipulates us big time. Word has it that Simon and Kristina have been working for Al for six months. That’s how he makes his choice. The real-estate task was just TV. Kristina pissed all over Simon. Sugar claims they edited out Simon holding the floor. Whatever.

Kristina probably didn’t nail it because another working-class bootstrapper would make Sugar look like the inverted snob he is.

Earlier I backed Katie. Not to win the Apprentice; when she ran at Chepstow.

Neeeiiiiiiggggghhhhhhh.

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