Leaving Mia

for Jenni Schaefer

She was a cruel mistress,

who lived at the back of my throat,

who stung my tonsils and stained my tongue,

who pushed my head down as my stomach came up

and escaped. She left me empty, empty

left me with nothing, but her laughter in the back of my throat

and her taste on the tip of my tongue.

She followed me around and wrapped a rubber band around my waist

and pulled and tugged and snapped my skin till it stung bright

red. I had blood on my finger and my teeth were thinning,

but I kept going back for more. She was my secret satisfaction,

who brought tears to my eyes and left me empty, empty

but was all mine and I kept her hidden in my throat and she creeped her way

into my mind to pull my strings. She had me by the brains

until I found the one who broke her hands so she

could hold me no longer. He filled me up where she had left

me empty, empty and I thought I was saved, bowing

before a messiah who could lead me home till one day I woke

and saw her still at the back of my throat

the devil simmering in hell, the dragon

flamming in the cave. It was then I realized

it was just me in the mirror and my reflection in my throat.

I pulled her out screaming, tearing

my throat, leaving bloody trails on my tongue and scratching

veins in my teeth. I bled and cracked and peeled

but I was free at last and left her in the bowl

as I returned to the bed where he lay still

mine, no halo, no shining armor, but my

own to fill.