Outpatients

Outpatients
Its the hideous kindness
the "oh dear we'll have to try the other arm"
the jolly phlebotomist
although behind us the curtains are closed
and I'm afraid they might be doing
bad things , the biopsies
that Geneva would not allow without sedation
but patients aren't supposed to mind
I practice refusing to be awake if they suggest it
offering to pay,being "difficult"
watching smiles fix
bringing out panic and tears to get my way

Then the pretty girl calls me in
is solicitous,gentle
" how are you? Any problems?
Do you have any questions?"
a bit of NHS rudeness would be better, reassure
not remind me that I carry death in my marrow
although now it sits like a cherub
on my shoulder ,just a little monkey
dormant ,hibernating
no trouble at all for 6 whole months
but he wriggles a bit on check- up days
when they are all so kind

I can see what Thanatos becomes
the limping pain and chemo baldness
theres a room full of last legs and youthful tragedy
some with hand holders,some independants like me
on our own because after all
it's just an ordinary day, no big thing
I go and sit in the car,exhale
plan to phone a friend
when I really want to crouch on all fours
and howl like a dog