The Medium Snooze - Chapter 11

Chapter 11 : A Visit To The Pond

Saturday 15th July 07:20am : A bright sunny day, the kind that makes you believe all is right with the world and nothing can go wrong. You’re confident, invincible, nothing is beyond your skills and intellect. Personally I was petrified. Of course this had less to do with the summer weather and more to do with my location. I found myself stood on a Lilly pad, a foot and a half from the edge of the pond, surrounded by water. Water for DDT’s sake, I hate the stuff, I’d heard stories about bugs drowning in it, personally I can’t get through the surface tension but either way it isn’t the sort of stuff you play around with. Normally this would be quite enough to scare the life out of me but right now my attention (and my fear) was firmly focused on the shape in front of me, a frog. Frogs are carnivorous and I knew that earwig was probably quite a nice appetiser for your average frog so I was well within species rights to be worried here but that wasn’t the half of it, this wasn’t just any frog. I was in the presence of the Frogfather.

Saturday 15th July 07:00am : Despite being out late the night before I got into the office fairly early. I hadn’t been drinking and beating up on Davy had put me in a good mood. As it turned out it was lucky I did. As I crawled into the office it was a very worried looking Alice that greeted me. By the look on her face I could tell something was up but at that point I hadn’t a clue just how bad things were.

“Ernie, thank god you’re here.” The relief in her voice was almost tangible.

“There’s someone waiting to see you in your office.”

This wasn’t good. Alice just wasn’t the panicky type. She’s been here when all kinds of characters had crawled through my door and not batted an antenna, especially recently with the ants and Spindler, but this time she was scared.

“Ok Alice, calm down. Who is it ?”

“He didn’t give his name Ernie, but he’s a dragonfly. He says he’s here from the pond and that the Frogfather wants to see you.”

I should have expected it. I’d been running around talking with the ants, making deals with the hive and getting Unc to poke around the spiders but I hadn’t given a second thought to the fact that all my activities wouldn’t go unnoticed at the pond. And now they’d sent for me. The Frogfather no less, head of the pond, a character feared and respected throughout the garden.

“It’s ok Alice, I’ll deal with it.” I hoped I at least sounded confident.

Dragonflies are big and scary and this one was no exception. He probably thought I’d make a nice snack but I was hoping he needed me alive, I hate not being at the top of the food chain. He’d sort of arranged himself behind my desk, I say arranged because he didn’t really fit into the office all that well, it hadn’t been designed it to cope with dragonfly wings.

“Ernie Pincher ?”

“Yeah that’s me. What can I do for you Mr....?” I left the question hanging.

“I’m here to take you to see the Frogfather. He feels it’s time you and he talked.”

All business, this was bad.

“Really ? Well I must say I’ve never actually had the opportunity to discuss matters with anyone quite so well respected. Are you sure it’s me he wants ?” Silence. He just fixed me with those huge eyes of his.

“Hmmm... Ok well if you’re sure I’m the right guy, I mean I can’t think what the Frogfather would want from me but....”

“It’s time to go.” He cut me off mid-terrified ramble.

Of course I knew half a dozen reasons why the pond wanted to know what I was up to but I couldn’t think of anything that didn’t end up with me as frog food.

On the way out I told Alice that I’d be back later and to hold my calls. I was hoping I’d be back later anyway. Once outside and clear of the rhododendron bush my companion made it clear that he intended to pick me up and carry me to the pond. I hate flying, this was turning out to be a really bad day. I suppose the view of the garden could be impressive from the air, swooping over the lawn, past the bench, over the path and out into the pond, I don’t actually know if it’s impressive or not because the moment my feet left the ground to the moment we touched down on the lilly pad my eyes were firmly closed. Once I felt the almost solid ground of the lilly base beneath me I risked opening my eyes. The dragonfly was already leaving, which just left me and the frog, this I assumed was the Frogfather.

“Pleasant flight ?” he was smiling, well that was a good sign I suppose, I hadn’t been eaten yet.

“I kinda prefer to have all six feet on the ground.” I replied nervously, it was beginning to sink in where I was and who I was with. This was arguably the most powerful individual in the garden.

The pond might not have had the influence it once did and, true, the hive and hill were on their way up but both the queens serve the group, neither have any free overall control of the collective. Sure the ants and wasps do exactly what the queen tells them but mostly decisions are made elsewhere, in committee, by advisors or some other method, ultimately power rests with the queen but she oversees the needs of her nest first in both cases, neither would hesitate to lay down their life for the good of the cause. Not here, not him, he is the power in the pond and the pond exists to serve him, always has, always will.

“Well I can respect that Mr. Pincher. Those of us born without wings can feel a little out of place in the air. I’m sure you’d feel even worse under the pond surface though.”

Was that a threat ? Unlikely, he didn’t need to threaten me, I was scared and he knew it, besides if he wanted me dead it would all be over very quickly with one flick of his tongue.

“Can I assume you know who I am ?”

“Well I’m fairly sure er...sir ? I mean I think I know what you are if not who.”

He smiled again. “Well Mr. Pincher you probably couldn’t pronounce my name but everyone calls me Frogfather anyway. As for you, well I seem to be in the reverse position I know who you are but not exactly what you are.”

“I’m a P.E. I operate out of...” The Frogfather closed his eyes and shook his head slowly.

“No Mr. Pincher you don’t understand. I know you are Ernie Pincher P.E., I know where you work and something about what you’ve been doing but what I don’t know is who you are working for or why. Things are happening in the garden right now that are very troubling to me and my organisation and every time I send someone out to investigate what’s happening one name keeps popping up. Ernie Pincher. Ernie Pincher was working for Samuel Maybrook when he was assassinated, Ernie Pincher has been visiting the hive, Ernie Pincher was at the scene of Lars Bendelbee’s death, Ernie Pincher has been talking to the ants and the list goes on Mr. Pincher. You are an extremely busy little ‘wig aren’t you ?”

“Keeps me out of trouble.”

“Ahhh... but it doesn’t does it Ernie ? It seems to land you deeper and deeper into it.” And with that he stepped forward, rocking the pad in an unnerving way and halving the distance between us.

I wasn’t happy about the distance I was from the Frogfather, I wasn’t happy about the way the Lilly pad was moving, I wasn’t happy about being in the middle of the pond to start with, in short I was fairly miserable.

“Look” I began “I don’t know what you’ve been hearing but I’m just an honest ‘wig out to make a living and right now I’m just trying to clear up this mess to get a little professional reputation back.”
All I got for that was a blink.

“Listen. Sammy’s wife hired me to look after him, I was there when he got shelled and I’ve been trying to figure out who was behind it ever since.”

Still nothing.

“If you guys here had some quarrel with Sammy then, fine, but I just need to understand why...”

“Why did you say that ?”

The Frogfather looked down at me with a puzzled expression.

“What ?”

“That we might have some quarrel with Samuel Maybrook.”

“Well with Bendelbee being involved and what with Sammy working so closely with the hive I sorta figured you’d decided to bump off Sammy.”

A smile spread slowly across the Frogfather’s large face (it also reminded me just how large his insect eating mouth was).

“Again I don’t know what the rumours in the hedge are Mr. Pincher but Samuel Maybrook was a very good friend of the pond and I had no quarrel with him. None whatsoever."

“The way I heard it was that Sammy was selling your information back to the hive and passing on useless information to you.”

“That’s what you heard was it ? And where did you hear such information ? The hive ? You see Mr. Pincher, Samuel was a very clever snail and whilst that may well be what the hive thought was happening I can assure you that the information we got off Samuel was of the highest quality. In fact it was us who set him up at Turfside in the first place.”

“Maybe. Or maybe that’s what he wanted you to believe. Either way are you telling me that Sammy's death wasn’t an authorised pond hit ?”

“Certainly nothing I was aware of. Why would I want to kill Sammy when we are in the middle of pulling all our interest out of the lawn anyway ?”

He dropped this one like he was casually discussing his favourite type of pond weed.

“You're doing what ?”

“Come now Mr. Pincher. As an associate of the hive I’m sure you know all about this.”

The Frogfather obviously still had me down as some hive lackey, if I was going to get anything useful out of this meeting (like my thorax still in one piece) I was going to have to convince him otherwise.

“I’ve told you, I don’t work for the hive, I was picked up by them when they wanted to know about Sammy. That was it. They were basically doing the same thing you are now. Yes, I contacted them later to tell them about Bendelbee because quite frankly I don’t like messing around with either of you. Now what the hell are you talking about ?”

He obviously wasn’t used to bugs asking blunt questions and for a brief moment I thought I’d pushed my luck too far. Then, after deciding not to eat me he spoke.

“Have it your way Mr. Pincher. You may or may not be working directly for the hive, it doesn’t really matter. I mean what I say when I say we are pulling out from the lawn.”

“Why ? Isn’t that like three quarters of your territory or something ? I mean I know the ants and hive have been making inroads into it but it’s still pretty big. I wouldn’t have thought you’d give it up without a fight.”

“Maybe you aren’t a hive agent after all. You really have no idea what has been going on this summer have you Mr. Pincher ?”

“Enlighten me.”

“Very well.” He seemed amused by my general lack of knowledge. I suppose it must have seemed kind of strange, I mean after all I am supposed to be a P.E., nose to the ground, lawn-wise, all that crap.

“Do you know how old I am Mr. Pincher ? Hmmm ? I’m 9 years old. 9 years. My father was dead by 8. This year my great, great, great, great, great grandchildren were spawned, every year hundreds of my offspring get eaten, that’s how life in the pond works, but also every year we lose a few frogs and dozens of tadpoles to the hive. Why ? Turf war for the lawn and why do we hold onto it ?”

The pause told me this wasn’t a rhetorical question.

“Erm... I don’t know.” Once again, Ernie Pincher P.E. on top analytical form.

“Exactly.”

“Huh ?”

“That’s what I asked myself a couple of years ago. Look around you Pincher, look at the pond, my pond. You know I’ve never left the pond in my life ? So I started thinking, why do we need the lawn ? And you know what ? I decided we didn’t. Everything we could want is here in the pond. The Wasps aren’t interested in it, the ants can’t police it, so basically what we have here is the perfect territory but still I lose valuable frogs and bugs every year on a turf war that I don’t really need. So I made a deal with the hive and the hill. We’d slowly pull out of the lawn to maintain balance in exchange for free passage through the garden for any frogs leaving the pond for new waters.”

“And they agreed to this ?”

“What do you think ? Sure they agreed. I was giving them both exactly what they wanted, more territory. They’d have to sort it out amongst themselves but what do I care about that ?”

“And how does this relate to Sammy ?”

“Why would I care about Maybrook ? He could tell the hive anything he liked, it wouldn’t matter. I told you Pincher, the wasps aren’t interested in the pond, they can’t swim and that’s all I’m interested in. I want to pass on a safe, legitimate territory to my son when I’m gone.”

“But Bendelbee was one of your boys.”

“Bendelbee was freelance. He could have been working for anyone. And that brings me back to you.”

“To me ?”

“Yes. You see despite all of this the hive seem to think that we are behind this hit and they’re taking it as a breaking of our agreement. I’ve heard reports that they are planning on attacking us. Mr. Pincher although I have no interest in the lawn I do need respect, and if the hive attacks I will retaliate. A full garden war would not be pretty.”

“And what am I supposed to do ?”

“This is where you use your contacts to persuade the hive that during the course of your investigation you have discovered that we are not behind the assassination.”

“I don’t think they’ll believe me.”

“They’d better Mr. Pincher. For everyone’s sake.”

No pressure then. Ok Ernie stop a Mafia war, never mind that the hive wasn’t taking my calls, I had no real evidence of who was behind it all or any real influence over either of the parties. Sheeesh.

A sudden thought crossed my mind.

“This won’t have been a popular decision.”

“What do you mean ?”

“Well, sure you don’t need anything but the pond but some of your goons er… employees do very nicely out of the lawn.”

“They do as they are told.”

“Nobody around that might try to split up your agreement ?”

“Nobody with enough brains to pull it off. Most of the top people in my organisation are frogs and they agree with me, most of the other positions we fill with bugs suited to the tasks. None of which require too much thought.”

“Still if you had to go back on the offensive there could be a lot of grubs in it for some of your guys.”

“You got any evidence to back any of this up Pincher ?”

“No, just some hunches, but it’s a thought. Bendelbee was running a protection scam on a few of the bars in the hedge, you know anything about it ?”

“No, but I don’t keep track of everything that happens around here, it shouldn’t be anything to do with us I certainly don’t want anything to do with the hedge.”

“Anybody of yours I could ask ?”

“I’ll get someone to call you this evening. Now if you’ll excuse me I have other business to attend to. A dragonfly will take you back to your office.”

Before I could answer he’d turned and jumped into the pond. At least I’d survived, now all I had to worry about was an impending garden war.

My eyes were closed for the trip back just as tightly as they had been going. If God had wanted me to fly he’d have given me wings, he’d certainly seemed to give them to nearly every other bug in the garden so I figured there was a good reason I didn’t have them. It was still only early afternoon when I was dropped off at my office, a very relieved looking secretary greeted me and poured me a drink.

“I thought you didn’t approve of me drinking at work ?”

A wicked grin flicked across Alice’s face, half amusement, half relief.

“There are always exceptions and you coming back from a meeting with the Frogfather in one piece is fairly exceptional.”

“Yeah well I think for once you’re right Alice, this is no time to be drinking at work.”

The smile vanished to be replaced by a frown.

“You’re turning down a drink ? It must have been serious.”

“Oh it was, but I’m not turning down the drink, I’m giving us the rest of the day off.”

Alice’s smile returned and she poured herself a bio. Two hours later we were out of fertiliser and I’d lost another drinking contest to my secretary. I was drunk, tired and confused, too many problems, too many threads that didn’t join up and too much fertiliser, and it was only 4pm. Leaving Alice to lock up I went home, maybe I could figure all this out in the morning, assuming I woke up in time to see the morning.