The Medium Snooze - Chapter 3

Chapter Three : Turfside.

Tuesday, 4th July : The sun was shining brightly that morning as I crawled across the lawn to Turfside. The slug sales assistant that had sold me the shades had sworn they were the darkest available.

“You won’t be able to pick out an albino snail on a coal pile.” He’d said.

The bastard had obviously never had a Tetramethrin induced hangover, then again he could have been telling the truth, it’s not like I know what an albino snail is, or a coal pile for that matter. All the same I made a mental note not to buy sunglasses off anyone with fewer eyes than me.

Anyway like I said, it was a true testament to my professionalism that 6am found me outside Turfside. The entrance led down, underground to beneath the tub (only slugs actually try and drink out of these places from above and they generally only do it once), the juice is piped down through a series of tubes from the tub above. At the door I was surprised to find two large crickets, obviously Sammy’s bouncers. Now most joints have 24hr. security but I was surprised to see crickets on the case, sure they’re big but crickets ain’t particularly mean.

“Who are you ?”

“Step aside boys, the names Pincher, Ernie Pincher. I’m here to see Melissa Maybrook and I’m expected.”

They looked at one another and then one disappeared inside.

“Are you going to let me in or what ?”

“Just wait there, Gerry has gone to check you’re expected.”

Hmmmmm… two big, dumb crickets, if this was Sammy’s idea of security then I wasn’t surprised Melissa was concerned. Seemed strange though, if Sammy had wasp connections they could surely rustle up something a hell of a lot better than these goons.

The other guy’s name was Harry and he wasn’t very talkative so I was glad when Gerry re-appeared, especially when I saw Melissa with him. How did this dame manage to look so good so early in the morning ? I looked like crap and the cricket twins looked like, well, big, stupid crickets, but Melissa seemed to glow in the early morning light.

“Glad you could make it Mr. Pincher, my husband doubted you’d show up.”

“It’s nice to know he has high expectations of me.”

She smiled. God, she smiled. How did Sammy ever end up with this one ?

“We’d better go and I’ll introduce you to Mr. Maybrook.”

“Sure, I bet he’s just dying to meet me. Keep up the good work boys and try not to fall asleep.”

The looks I got from the crickets were pure hatred. If I actually thought I’d need to break into a sweat bringing these guys down I might have been concerned. The steps led down to the main room, a big round room maybe 15 inches across. At one end a catwalk ran out 2 inches into the room, the beginning of the catwalk was covered by a large red curtain that presumably hid a stage. The centre of the room held the bar, a large round all acorn job, there were pipes running down from the roof to various pumps, and bottles of all kinds hung behind the bar, several doors led off in various directions around the room to places I could only begin to guess about. Behind the bar there were several staff cleaning, checking pipes and fittings, and right there with them was the man himself. Well at least I’d get to figure out what the hell Melissa saw in this guy, maybe it was his looks.

Sammy was small and snails ain’t the biggest of bugs to begin with but Sammy was a runt of a snail, so it wasn’t his looks then.

“Sam. This is Ernie Pincher the P.E. I was telling you about.”

“This piece of garbage ? He’s supposed to protect me ? From what ? A half drowned butterfly ?”

Didn’t look like it was his charming nature either. Melissa rolled her eyes and looked to the ceiling.

“Sammy, we’ve discussed this. You know I don’t like what’s been going on lately and I’d feel much happier with someone watching over you. Mr. Pincher is very good at his job.”

If he fell for that it wasn’t his intelligence either.

“Hmmmmmm... We’ll see. If he gets in my way he’s outta here.”

“Right, I’m going to leave you boys to sort things out and Sammy...”

“Yeah ?”

“Be nice.”

“Hummmpf.”

With that she kissed Sammy, winked at me and left through one of the doors at the side of the stage. As she slinked out of the bar I was left with one overriding thought.

His money, it had to be his money.

“So you’re goin’ to protect me huh ?”

“Sure, that’s my job.”

“Hmmmpf, well just so you know if it really mattered, lookin' at you, I'd be terrified. Listen Pincher I don’t need your protection, there’s no problem here. The only reason I’m putting up with you is because it keeps Melissa happy.”

Charming.

“So you haven’t been receiving threats ?”

“Sure I get threats, I get threats all the time, comes with the territory. Some wisebug not happy about owing me money probably, it’s not like I’m running a charity here. Besides it’s not like anyone would be stupid enough to try nothin’.”

“Why’s that ?”

“I got friends.”

“Ahhh... I heard about your connections with the hive but what about the pond, you’re pretty close here ?”

“Listen buddy, I got friends everywhere see.”

So Sammy wasn’t just getting wasp backing, maybe he was friendly with the frogs as well. It’d make sense, I mean, taking control of Turfside without the blessing from the pond was a pretty ballsy move even for the wasps and snails ain’t well known for being big in that department, however if Sammy knew the frogs as well...

“If you’ve got so many friends how come you’ve got the stupid twins on the door ?”

“Gerry and Harry ? Look every club needs bouncers and they get the job done.”

“What those two ? Jeese, they don’t look like they could handle a pissed off woodlouse let alone a spider or two.”

“Well that’s the point Pincher, they don’t have too. This ain’t the hedge buddy, I run a classy joint here, my clientele is a bit more refined and the boys are more than enough to handle the occasional drunk bee.”

“Fair enough, but I’d have thought that with your current situation...”

“You just don’t listen do you Pincher ? THERE IS NO SITUATION. Look I don’t know what Melissa has told you but things around here are no more screwed up than usual. I don’t have any death squads after me, there are no hit-men hiding behind the bar. Why Mel is so freaked about the latest batch of threats I don’t have a freakin’ clue but she is and she’s a pain in the ass when she nags, that’s where you come in Pincher. You’re here to keep my wife from nagging me to death. Nothin’ else.”

The information I was getting from Sammy wasn’t squaring with the details I’d got from Melissa. Someone wasn’t telling me everything and I had no idea who or why. I decided I needed another talk with Melissa, as soon as possible. She’d said that Sammy was fully aware someone was trying to kill him but here was Sammy acting like nothing was wrong. If anyone was lying to me it surely had to be Sammy, but I needed to know why.

Seeing Melissa was easier said than done, I had to spend the rest of the day with Sammy and he apparently didn’t see very much of his wife during daylight hours. Instead of the company of the delightful Mrs. Maybrook I was treated to a slow, and I mean slow, tour of Turfside, the bar, the cellar, the function rooms, the surface and the tub itself. I’m telling you Hell is tailing a snail that isn’t in a hurry, unless you work for Sammy in which case Hell is having your boss tail you, by the time evening was falling I had sympathy for every poor sucker that worked in the place.

Like most bars Turfside didn’t start to pick up until the sun went down then the great and the good of the lawn started pouring through the door, or what passes for the great and good in the garden. Money and fame seemed to be the password to worm your way passed Gerry and Harry (not that too many worms made it in). I watched all this with Sammy, sat in an alcove midway from the entrance to the stage. From here Sammy could see everything and those who knew where to look could see him, a nod here, a smile there, no-one really stood out as anyone likely to cause any trouble, business bugs, family heads and even the odd ant. I had to admit Sammy certainly wasn’t acting like a snail in fear of his life.

The doors had been open for about an hour before Sammy said his first words to me.

“Listen Pincher, whilst you’re working for me you’re probably gonna to hear things. Now if you’re a smart ‘wig you’ll either keep your ears shut or develop a real short memory. Otherwise you’ll be looking to hire a P.E. that’s a damn sight better than you to keep all your limbs attached, understand ?”

“Sure, you’re the boss, I’m very discrete.”

“You’d better be a freakin’ sight more than discrete Pincher. You’d better be mute.”

I really was beginning to warm to Sammy’s charm, he had a nice open attitude and a generous sense of humour, a bit like a hornet with an acorn shoved up its ass.

What followed was a procession of bugs visiting our table with details and information on who was doing what to who, affairs, business deals, kickbacks, backhanders, debts, it was all discussed.

“Of course, you can’t take any of this too seriously,” Sammy told me during a break “but there’s usually some truth in most of these things and all I have to do is find out what’s worth looking into.”

“So what do all these guys get out of this ? I mean why do they tell you this stuff ?”

“Different reasons. Gambling debts, revenge, I don’t care, of course I pay for any info that turns out to be useful, it may not be the hedge but I still got to be on my toes Pincher.”

The lack of any serious amount of liquor in my bloodstream meant I could resist the obvious quip. The night was shaping up to be fairly uneventful until a young woodlouse delivered a note to Sammy. Whatever was on the note it certainly had an effect. Sammy tensed right up (or a tense as a snail gets without popping his shell), nodded to the ‘louse and turned to me.

“Listen Pincher, I gotta sort something out why don’t you get yourself a drink or something ?”

“I’m not supposed to leave you.”

“Jeese, what are ya gonna do ? Get in the shower with me ? It’s just someone I need to see backstage and I don’t need you with me.”

“Look, I don’t think...”

“It’s not an option Pincher. Stay here. Melissa will be starting her act in a few minutes I’ll be back by the time she does her big number.”

And with that he was gone. Well, rather, and with that he started to go, he’s a snail for crying out loud. Still this all made me nervous I was about to follow him when I noticed him talking to one of the inside security guys (another grasshopper, I never did bother to find out what his name was), as Sammy slithered through the door this guy just stepped in front of it. Of course I could have still followed Sammy by pulling the grasshopper’s legs off but there wasn’t any subtle way of going after him and with this being my first day and all. So instead I made my way to the bar, after all Sammy had suggested me getting a drink and when the boss gives you an order like that it's not only rude but downright unprofessional not to. I picked a glass of the house tub blend, this stuff was way more expensive than I could usually afford and if I'm honest I'd have preferred a decent shot of insecticide but it all being on expenses I figured I owed it to Sammy and his generous nature to sample the good stuff. I hadn't quite finished my second when Melissa started her act.

Turfside’s main attraction had definitely been undersold, this dame was stunning, the legs, the voice, the legs, the outfit, did I mention the legs ? She was into the first chorus before I remembered to breathe. If anyone was to ask me afterwards what she sang I couldn’t have told them but then I’m not sure if any other male in the bar could have done either. True to his word Sammy returned halfway through Melissa’s finale and joined me at the bar.

“She’s great ain’t she Pincher ?”

“She certainly is. You manage to sort out your business ?”

“Yeah, yeah, nothin’ really.”

“Sure ?”

“Yeah, look Pincher you’re here to protect me not poke around in all my affairs.”

Before following Sammy back to the table I arranged for a note to be sent to Melissa asking for a private meeting later. The rest of the evening passed without incident, more bugs talking to Sammy, again nothing particularly worrying regarding anyone or anything threatening him, I admit the night passed a bit more smoothly with a couple of drinks inside me but there was a serious danger of me falling asleep on the job. By the end of the night a waiter brought me a note that read :

“Mr. Pincher, given the circumstances I feel it would be better if I were to delay any meeting between ourselves until tomorrow morning. I’ll meet you in the bar at 5.30 am tomorrow. Melissa.”

As the last customers were ushered gently out of Turfside I headed back to the room they’d given me late, it was nothin’ fancy, I guess they’d put me in one of the cheap rooms. No messages from Unc or Alice, so I called it a night.