The Medium Snooze - Chapter 4

Chapter Four : Trouble Brewing.

Wednesday 5th July : When I got to the bar Melissa was already waiting. She was wearing some kinda bath robe come dressing gown thing, I think, it was hard to tell there was some flannel and plenty of legs anyway.

“Drink ?” She asked.

“Hell, it’s a little early even for me Mrs Maybrook. Don’t you think you should take it easy ?”

“Well you don’t have to live here. Anyway you asked for a meeting and here I am. What’s on your mind ?”

“A couple of things, first what’s all this ‘given the circumstances’ crap ?”

“Think about it Mr. Pincher, this place runs on rumour and gossip. I hire you to look after my husband and the first night I end up in your room, a girl has her reputation to think of you know.”

“Uh... yeah, I suppose.”

“So that explains my note what about yours in the first place ?”

“Yeah, I had a chat with your husband and according to him it’s business as usual, he doesn’t think anyone is out to kill him but you told me he knew full well someone was.”

“And ?”

“So why is he denying everything ?”

“What do you expect him to say Mr. Pincher ? My wife is right there’s a loony death squad after me but forget about it because I got mob connections ? He doesn’t think he needs you so of course he’s playing down the danger.”

“So why isn’t security tighter around here ?”

“That’s why I hired you. As far as I can tell Sammy doesn’t think anyone is crazy enough to actually try and kill him in his own place, he thinks he’s safe until he goes outside. He’s got people on the outside trying to find out who’s behind all this of course, thing is I’m not as confident as he is so I brought in you to watch him.”

Made some kind of sense I suppose.

“Anything else Mr. Pincher I’ve got some errands to run today and I wouldn’t mind getting dressed first.”

“Nothin’ for now but I still don’t think I’m getting the full story here.”

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

And with that she ended the conversation and the meeting, she flounced out of there as if she didn’t have a care in the world.

The rest of the day passed pretty much the same as the first, Sammy went about his business at the speed that only snails, slugs and tranquilized worms can hit and I followed. The evening came, Sammy gossiped, made deals and generally behaved like the low-life slime he is whilst Melissa sang like the angel I’m fairly sure she isn’t. As the day finished back in my room I decided I’d better check in with Alice.

“Hi kid, Ernie here, any news ?”

“Not yet Ernie, your Uncle said he might have something tomorrow but things are ...ummm... the usual.”

“As fast moving as a slug marathon eh ?”

“Pretty much. How are things at Turfside ?”

“Strange but quiet, I’m getting different signals from Melissa and Sammy.”

“Just be careful Ernie, Sammy has a bad reputation and I didn’t like the look of that Melissa. I know you and women Ernie, anything with a decent thorax and you’re like a larva.”

“Hey, steady on kid I know what I’m doing here, besides she’s paying your wage at the moment isn’t she ?”

“Hmmm... It’s more than you’ve been doing recently. Good night Ernie.”

“Night kid.”

Thursday 6th July : Thursday was shaping up to be another dull day but that all changed around 11am. I was in Sammy’s back office, he was counting up the previous nights takings when a bleeding and battered looking cricket half stumbled through the door. It was Gerry, he had blood flowing from half a dozen cuts on his face and one of his legs was hanging limp.

“There are some gentlebugs in the bar to see you Mr. Maybrook.”

He was obviously on the verge of breaking down into tears, whatever had done this to Gerry it wasn’t the usual butterflies and bumble bees he dealt with day to day.

“What the hell happened to you ?” Even Sammy sounded a little worried.

“Please Mr. Maybrook, they’re waiting in the bar and Harry is with them.”

Sammy set off for the bar but I was out of the door long before he was, I noticed that Sammy was managing to leave Gerry standing though even moving at a snail's pace (admittedly the fastest I'd seen Sammy moving since I got here). As I opened the door into the bar it was immediately obvious who was causing the trouble.

Stags.

Two huge great Stag beetles, Luncanus Cervus in latin or mean bastards in garden speak. These guys were big and ugly, maybe 60 to 65mm and one of them had Harry by the prothorax.

“Can I help you guys ?”

“Who the hell are you ?”

The question didn’t come from either of the Stags and it took me a second to realise there was someone else in there. It was another beetle but a smaller one, probably the brains of the outfit, looked like a Darkling beetle.

“I’m Pincher, Ernie Pincher P.E.”

“Where’s Sammy ? We got business to take care of.”

“Why don’t you tell your goons to put the grasshopper down and maybe I’ll think about letting you see him.” I knew damn well Sammy was already on the way but I reckoned with his lightning pace I had a good couple of minutes.

“Listen Pincher, I’ve heard of you, you’re a small time ‘wig, do yourself a favour and stay outta this.”

“Sorry bud can’t do it, professional pride and all that.”

The Darkling glanced at the Stag without a grasshopper dangling from his mandibles.

“Herman. Do me a favour and rip this guy’s head off will ya ?”

“It’d be a pleasure boss.”

I think he meant it too. Now I consider myself to be quite handy in a fight but a wig has to know his limitations and a fully grown professional hit beetle is way over mine. As I saw it I had one chance, I knew I couldn’t take a Stag, but a Darkling, that was a different story. The Darkling was obviously over confident as he hadn’t put the Stags between himself and me, he wasn’t going to get another opportunity. Moments later his head was nicely clamped in my tail.

“Ok Herman back off or your boss here becomes your ex-boss.”

“Do as he says.” Came a chocked response from behind me.

“Now boys what are we going to do about this, it seems to me that my friend Harry over there could do with a bit more air for a start. How about letting him go ?”

A quick squeeze was all the persuasion needed for my captive to agree. Harry slid to the floor gasping.

“What in the name of DDT is going on here ?” Sammy had arrived.

“Well Mr. Maybrook it seems our friend here Mr., sorry I didn’t catch your name ?”

Squeeze.

“Arrgh, Bendelbee, Lars Bendelbee.”

“Yeah, Mr. Bendelbee came to discuss some business but it turns out that he and his friends have to leave, isn’t that right Mr. Bendelbee ?”

Squeeze.

“ Yeah, yeah, whatever you say .”

“Now how about your boys leave first and once they’re gone I’ll let you go ?”

Squeeze.

“ Go on, go on, get out.” Lars here was down to a whisper.

Once the Stags left I figured I’d better let Lars go too, it doesn’t do to have two confused Stags hanging around the place, they tend to try and think things out and it’s not good for them (or anyone else).

“This ain’t over Sammy, we’ll be back and no two aphid ‘wig will save your shell the next time. I want you out Maybrook, you hear, out and as for you Pincher, don’t make any hibernation plans.”

And with that last threat the beetle was gone.

“Business as usual ?” I asked Sammy once Lars had left.

“Pincher I know what your thinking but really I’ve never seen the guy before. What did he say his name was ?”

“Lars Bendelbee.”

“Hmmmm.. I’ll check my psycho postage to see if his name crops up but it ain’t ringing any bells.”

“Psycho postage ?”

Sammy just shrugged, well quivered, well whatever the hell the snail equivalent is.

“Yeah, I keep all the death threats, blackmail demands and other nutso stuff just in case any of these guys ever show up. But I don’t remember getting anything from this guy.”

“I doubt he’s the head of the outfit, probably working for someone and it sounds like you’ve annoyed them pretty good.”

The snail quivered or whatever again, it was pretty disgusting really but then so are most things these guys do. You ever seen one eat ? I mean, yuck. Anyway I’m getting sidetracked.

“You handled yourself pretty well Pincher, maybe you ain’t the snot nosed Momma’s grub I thought you were.”

Snot nosed ? Look who he’s calling snot nosed, the guy leaves a slime trail wherever he crawls.

“Uh, thanks. I think. Look Mr. Maybrook...”

“Call me Sammy.”

It seems I had actually managed to impress my employer, or rather my employer's husband, a little.

“Ok, Sammy. I can handle the odd Darkling beetle but those stags are something else. Things are obviously getting out of hand here, maybe you should consider upping security ?”

Sammy’s stalks waved towards a groggy looking Harry picking himself up off the floor.

“Yeah, I’ll definitely consider it. Hey, Harry. Get your useless carcass off my floor before your blood marks it, and find Gerry, he should be cowering in one of the back offices. I want you and him to run a little errand for me, if you can’t protect me at least you can deliver a message to someone who can.”

The rest of the day passed peacefully enough, Harry and Gerry returned just before the bar opened and Sammy was exceptionally busy that evening. Later that evening in my room, there was a message to ring Unc.

“Hey Unc how’s it going ?”

“Awww Jeese Ernie, what have you got yourself mixed up in this time ?”

That didn’t sound too good.

“Whadda ya mean Unc ?”

“I’ve been doing some digging on Herman, the ladybird that owned Turfside before Sammy. You remember how Sammy is supposed to have paid him a fortune for the place and that Herman went off to the meadow for an easy life ?”

“Yeah, so ?”

“Well nobody I spoke to that I know in the meadow ever heard of him and nobody that I spoke to that has contacts in the meadow know anyone who ever heard of him. Ernie, Herman didn’t ever reach the meadow.”

“Maybe he decided against moving out there.”

“Ernie he was a ladybird not a freakin’ swallow, he’s not in the garden, he’s not in the meadow and I’m betting he didn’t fly south for the winter.”

“So you reckon Sammy had him killed ?”

“You’re real quick Ernie boy, anyone ever tell you you’re a regular brain bug ?”

“Not lately.”

“It don’t shock me none.”

Unc might have been right in fact he probably was, it wouldn’t surprise me too much, after all why pay for something that you can get for free right ? It’s not like Sammy was weighed down with a pile of ethics under that shell. Unc was off though, I could tell he was winding up into one of his long preaching speeches so I decided to play devil’s advocate.

“Look just because one of his ex-associates disappears I don’t think it’s time to call the ants Unc. Herman could have changed his name or any number of things.”

“Well if that was the only odd thing I found out I might agree with you Ern, but you remember Norman was going to have a word with his cousin Vinny ? Well it seems that when Lenny the legs passed on Flyin’ Freddie was all set to take over but he had a meeting with some of Sammy’s friends. Freddie was real steamed up about it all but stepped aside for Sammy. Later on it seems our Freddie starting hitting the booze and threatened all kinds of things.”

“Let me guess Unc, he disappeared and no-one’s ever heard from or seen him since ?”

“Wrong Ernie. He's been seen, he turned up when the new rose bushes were put in. It’s just he was underneath where they went.”

Great. It was starting to look like being a rival of Sammy’s was a particularly unhealthy pastime.

“Anything happening where you are Ern ?”

“Erm... yeah we had a little incident here today.”

“An incident ?”

“Sort of, we had a visit from some beetles, they threatened Sammy and things got a little rough.”

“Beetles ? What sort of beetles Ern ?”

“Ummm... well one, he head of the bunch, was a Darkling, looked like a Tenebrio molitor.”

“Bunch ?”

“Yeah, he had a couple of Stags with him.”

I could picture Unc’s colour draining down the line.

“Stags ? STAGS ? Ernie what the hell are you still doing there ? You don’t want to be messing around with no hit squads for Christ’s sake.”

“Look Unc calm down, I dealt with it and Sammy’s moving in heavier protection, but I get the feeling we’ll be seeing these guys again and I think they were working for somebody else. Unc can you try and find out a little about these guys, the Darkling was called Lars Bendelbee.”

“Ok, Ern. You got anything on the stags ?”

“Other than they were big, heavy and stupid, no. Oh one of them was called Herman, but I don’t think that’s going to help you very much.”

“No not really, listen Ern just be careful ok, and say hi to that secretary of yours from me when you see her.”

“Alice ?”

“Yeah, Alice, I tell you Ernie she’s a real nice kid that one.”

“Hmmm... Whatever you say Unc”.