The Medium Snooze - Chapter 6

Chapter Six : The many legs of the law.

Saturday 8th July, 4:30am : It’s as good a time to call it a new day as any, nobody was going to get any sleep anyway. I’d called the ants after Gerry had died and then went to see Melissa to give her the news, I’d thought about letting her get some sleep first but in the end I decided it’d be better coming from me than five ants talking in serial. She’d taken it pretty hard, it was all I could do to convince her not to go running off to the bar, she really didn’t need to see that. One of the chorus line girls gave her a sleeping pill and she was now out for a while, in the mean time the ants had shown up.

I’ll say one thing for the ants, they certain don’t do things by halves, half an hour after calling them there must have been fifty of them all over Turfside. I’d been shown into Sammy’s office by three of them and I had been told to wait there for the officer in charge to question me, I didn’t have too long to wait.

“Well, well, well, Mr. Pincher. Now just what are you doing here ?”

It was Sgt. 3487 or rather he had been Sgt. 3487, the number on his uniform said 3287. From what I knew of promotion in the ant colony a high flyer like 3487 should have been high to mid 2800s by now, it would appear I wasn’t the only one suffering after the Gerald Spindler case, I just hoped he wasn’t taking it personally.

“So you got any information for me this time Pincher or should I just hand in my badge now ?”

Maybe he had a sense of humour. I looked at those twitching antenna. Unlikely. I’d better make this good or I was bird food.

“What do you want to know sarge ?”

“What do I want to know ? What do I want to know he asks, well how about we start with WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE ?”

I just love those ant pleasantries.

“Where do I start ? Well the shelled snail in there is Samuel Maybrook, owner of this place and I believe he was killed by a group of Stag beetles.”

“You believe ?”

“Yeah, I didn’t actually see it.”

“How do you know then ?”

“I got half a story out of Gerry before he croaked.”

“Gerry being one of the cricket stiffs we found ?”

“Yeah.”

“Which one ?”

“Well, given he gave me some information on what happened you can assume he’s the one that still has his head attached.”

Damn. I had promised myself I was going to get through this without any smart, slam my ass in jail, remarks. That was that plan ruined.

“Hmmmmmmm... What were the crickets doing here ?”

“They were Sammy’s bouncers, sort of hired muscle, not really up to much but capable of handling the usual crowd in here.”

“So Maybrook wasn’t expecting any trouble ?”

“Not until yesterday when we had a visit from some beetles throwing their weight around.”

“Stag beetles ?”

“Yeah, and a darkling.”

“Any names ?”

“No.”

I figured I’d hold onto that one for a while, it was going to be hard enough for Unc to find any information without half a million ants tramping round sticking their antenna in.

“So let me get this straight. Maybrook is expecting trouble from some stag beetles and he hires you and two crickets for protection ?”

3287 gave me a look like I’d just told him the rose bushes were planted by slugs.

“No, me and the crickets were already working for him, he got a couple of orb weavers in for extra protection.”

“Orb weavers ?”

3287 flicked through his notebook and looked at the four ants standing in the corner. they just shrugged.

“We didn’t find any spider parts in there Pincher and if there were two spiders protecting Maybrook then I’d expect to find some beetle bits as well. So where are they ?”

“Gerry said that the spiders didn’t help when the beetles start fighting, he said they just stood off and let them take everyone apart.”

“So Maybrook hired two spiders to protect him and they did nothing ?”

“No. Not exactly.”

“You just said they stood back, Pincher.”

“Well Sammy didn’t hire them, they were sort of, well, hired for him.”

“Who by ?”

“I’m not sure. Sammy had a lot of friends.”

I wasn’t about to tell an ant Sgt. that I’d been working for a close friend of the Mob. He’d find out soon enough on his own.

“Not as many as he needed obviously. Your story isn’t making any sense Pincher, why wouldn’t the spiders get involved ?”

He was right, it didn’t make any sense. Anyway you looked at it, it was wrong. A couple of spiders hired by the hive should have done something, spiders are known for being mercenary but mercenaries are known for doing the job they're paid for unless someone else pays them a whole lot more and why risk upsetting the hive ? If the pond were behind this and they’d gotten to the spiders, why did the beetles turn up at all ? Two orb weavers could have ripped everyone in the place apart on their own, including me. None of it made any sense.

“You got me there, when you find them you can ask them.”

“So if Maybrook wasn’t expecting any trouble until yesterday where do you fit in ? Why are you here Pincher ? Why did Maybrook hire you ?”

“He didn’t, his wife hired me. I was erm... working as his bodyguard.”

You know I swear 3287 almost smiled at that one.

“You were the bodyguard to the snail that’s just been ripped apart in his own bar ? You ever thought about a change of career Pincher ?”

All four ants in the corner laughed at that one and then stopped laughing, in unison. I hate it when they do that, it just freaks me out.

“Why did she hire you then ?”

“Melissa thought Sammy was in danger, he’d been getting threatening letters, you know death threats and the like so she figured he needed a full-time bodyguard.”

“Hold on, I thought you said Maybrook wasn’t in danger ?”

“No. I said Sammy wasn’t expecting trouble until yesterday when the beetles turned up, Melissa thought he was in trouble and I guess she was right. Sammy thought that the threats were just the usual stuff he gets anyway, he called it his psycho mail. He just wasn’t taking it seriously, well that’s what he said anyway.”

“You seen any of these threats Pincher ?”

“No.”

“Kinda slack for a P.E. looking to protect his client isn’t it ?”

Now he mentioned it, it was.

“How long you been on the case ?”

“Since Monday.”

“Monday ? Jeese Pincher, you’re his personal bodyguard and he doesn’t last a week ? Spindler nearly lasted a month didn’t he ? Remind me not to hire you any time soon, I got a family meal planned Sunday.”

Cue ant synchronised laughter.

“Ok, Pincher. So you’re his bodyguard, how come we aren’t putting a body tag on your corpse then ?”

I could see where this was heading. Personal bodyguard in wife’s bedroom when husband is murdered. Nope I wasn’t giving them that one. I wasn’t going to drag Melissa into this, the girl was going to have enough problems without me adding to them.

“I told you I wasn’t there.”

“Obviously, but you’re his bodyguard. Why weren’t you there Pincher ? Where were you ?”

“Look am I being charged with anything ? Just take a look at the bodies, you can see I didn’t do any of that.”

“Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have anything to do with it. This is the second time I’ve bumped into you after a group of stags have torn someone apart. Your story doesn’t make any sense, now are you going to tell me where you were or should we continue this at the ant hill ?”

“Well I don’t appear to have any job around here any more and I could do with a breath of fresh air. Shall we go ?”

“You’d better enjoy the trip Pincher if I don’t start getting some answers you aren’t going to be seeing the outside for a long, long time.”

The room was small and dark, just enough light to see but not enough to focus properly on any one thing, not that there was much to focus on. No chairs, no table, no windows and one locked door. An ant holding cell. It wasn’t the first time I’d been in one of these but I didn’t make a habit out of it, they really don’t improve with experience. All around me I could hear noises. Feet. Marching feet. Thousands of ants going about their business oblivious to me in my cell, and that was my main worry. A cold shiver ran down my thorax as I slowly realised as far as I could figure no one knew I was here. I’d been taken out of Sammy’s office and straight to the hill without speaking to anyone. The four ants that had marched me here had brought me directly to this cell, I hadn’t signed anything, I hadn’t spoken to anyone or been allowed to contact anyone on the outside. Of course I didn’t really believe they were going to just leave me here, I mean, Sgt. 3287 hadn’t been that angry with me surely ?

Still, a bug hears stories about ants, I decided to try and move things on. The door had a small latch window in it, shut of course. It was normal ant procedure to leave at least a couple of ants outside each cell just in case the prisoner tries to do something silly, like eat their way out (hey, it takes all sorts to make a garden). Cell door isn’t high on my list of gourmet treats so I decided to knock, anyone on the outside would hear and open the latch to find out what was going on.

Nothing. I was, of course, assuming normal procedure was being followed and that I hadn’t just been left here to rot.

“Hello, anybody out there ? What's going on ?”

Silence. I suppose I could try and eat my way out of there. I mean, what ? Three or four millimetres of compacted earth ?

“Hey, come on, is there anybody there ?”

Then I could... what ? Fight my way up past, say, eight thousand ants ? Paranoia calling. They couldn’t have just left me, they’re the law right ? They don’t actually do that kind of thing. Panic was now not so much setting in as set, moved in and picking out a nice shade for the curtains.

“Keep it down in there.”

Relief flooded over me like rain in a thunderstorm. My back legs buckled, if I didn’t have six of the things I think I’d have hit the floor, fortunately no one was around to see any of this (my tough guy P.E. image had suffered enough recently).

“Hey guys.” I managed to recover my composure, “I wanna talk to someone.”

The latch opened and light poured in, temporarily blinding me in the bright glare. Blinking I could make out two ants doing their crazy antenna thing that they do when they don’t want anyone to know what they’re discussing.

“That’s kind of unlucky”

“no one wants to”

“talk to you.”

At least their side of the conversation was coming from the same direction if not the same ant.

“Then let me call someone, I got rights, I get to make a call.”

“But Mr. Pincher”

“why would you call”

“anyone. You haven’t”

“been charged with anything.”

“Fine boys, I’ve seen this room, interesting decoration ideas now why don’t we move on to somewhere else ?”

“Sgt. 3287 ordered you”

“to be kept here until”

“he had time to”

“question you further.”

The latch shut and I was back in darkness. Time passed. Two hours, maybe three, it was difficult to tell, I didn’t really have any idea how long I’d been in there before my short talk with the ants outside. At least I knew I was getting out at some point if only to be interrogated by 3287, not something I’d normally be looking forward to but pretty much anything was better than this. Eventually I was taken from the cell and up to 3287’s office. 3287 was sat behind the same desk, with the same stern look on his face as always, at least I wasn’t in any more trouble than usual, at least I didn’t think I was.

“Pincher. What am I supposed to do with you ?”

“You could give me a citizen of the year award and send me home.”

“Hmmm... Forensics tell me all the bodies have wounds consistent with a stag beetle attack, no earwig marks and I’ve finally found out where you were Pincher. Your friend Mrs. Maybrook made a statement that you were with her in her room at the time of the attack.”

So Melissa had told them the truth after all. I can’t say I was upset about it, I’d done the decent thing and tried to keep her out of it but if she wanted in then it was better for me.

“So now you know. Am I free to go ?”

“Not so fast. Ernie Pincher you’re under arrest for withholding evidence, obstructing the course of an investigation and being a pain in the ass. You’re fined 75 aphids. If you can’t pay the fine you can sit in a cell until your legs fall off.”

3287 obviously did had some sort of sense of humour after all.

“Pain in the ass I can understand but aren’t the other two getting a bit desperate ?”

“They were all I could think of when your secretary arrived threatening to pull the heads off my desk ants unless we either charged you or let you go. She’s paid your fine by the way.”

Way to go Alice.

“Pincher, I suppose I’m wasting my time telling you to stay out of this one from now on.”

“Probably.”

“Well, make sure you let me know of anything you dig up Pincher. Anything.”

“Sure, don’t I always ?”

That look didn’t suggest so. Alice was waiting for me in reception, I don’t think I’ve ever been more happy to see her. We kept the conversation brief and uninteresting until we got a reasonable distance away from the hill.

“Good work Alice, how did you know where I was ?”

“I’d tried to reach you at Turfside they told me what happened and that no one had seen you since 3287 had been questioning you. I don’t have to be a P.E. to figure out where you’d gone.”

“Nice work. Why were you trying to get in touch with me anyway ? Not that I’m complaining.”

“Your uncle has some news for you but I’ll let him tell you.”

It was getting late in the day, around seven, so I decided to go and see Unc. at Wiggies, for once Alice said she’d join me. We had a lot to discuss.

8 O’Clock at Wiggies. The bar was busy, bugs trying to forget just how hard things were in the garden, if only for a few hours. The contrast between the sort of customers Unc got and the kind that hung out at Turfside couldn’t have been bigger. There were no caterpillar, butterflies, snails or grasshoppers here, they were replaced by beetles, woodlice, ‘wigs and the occasional spider. Somehow the spiders never seemed as threatening in here, no one did, I felt at home and for the first time that week I relaxed. Don’t get me wrong I’m not pulling some kind of rich bugs vs. salt of the earth poor crap on you here, I knew damn well that half of the guys in here would pull my legs off without thinking about it outside, but in all my time I’d only seen maybe half a dozen fights in Wiggies and they didn’t last long. It was the sort of unwritten rule kind of thing, you didn’t start anything here and nobody messed with you, Unc didn’t even employ any bouncers. I’d asked him about it once and all he said was “Why would you pick a fight when you don’t know who the other guy’s friends are ? Besides they all know who owns the place and my silent partners are the type everyone likes to keep silent.”

Right now, me, Unc and Alice were sat around a table, tucked away in a dimly lit corner. I’d told Unc everything to bring him back up to date and Alice was matching us both drink for drink.

“So you were in Melissa’s room at the time huh ? I told you she was trouble Ern, I told you not to trust her.”

“Yeah, well, she probably saved my life Unc. You think I could have handled a group of stags and a couple of orb weavers ?”

The scowl on Unc’s face said everything.

“Speaking of Mrs. or rather the ex-Mrs. Maybrook, I spoke to her when I rang for you Ernie. She asked me to thank you for your time and that she was going to keep us on retention for another week at the usual fee, but asked if you would not visit Turfside for the duration. She seemed to think your presence would be erm... inappropriate.”

As she told us this Alice was wrinkling up her face having just downed half a glass of Miracle Grow, she waved to Norman at the bar to bring on the next round.

“Doesn’t that seem a little strange to anyone ? Her husband has been receiving death threats and has just been pulled apart in his own bar, so she basically fires all her remaining security.”

“Sure, I mean why would she want to sack you Ern ? After all, you did such a bang up job of looking after her husband.”

“Thanks Unc.”

“No really Ern, I told you from the start this was a bad case and that you shouldn’t get involved. Are you really surprised Melissa don’t want you around no more ? I mean, you turned her down which I'm guessing wasn't good her her ego and it’s not like you can protect her really. Trust me Ern, your better off outta this one.”

“Hmmm... maybe. What was the news you wanted to tell me anyway ?”

“Oh Norman’s cousin remembered that when Sammy started working for Lenny he started with another snail named Stanley. Seems Sammy and Stanley were pretty close at the time but Stanley quit after the first week. Vinny seems to think that the two stayed friends and were in contact quite a bit up to Sammy buying Turfside. Still none of it matters now though, seeing how you’re off the case.”

“Hmmmm...”

“Ern ? Ernie ? You are off the case now. Aren’t you ?”

Unc sounded worried.

“Ernie ?”

Even Alice sounded a little concerned.

“Look guys, my reputation hadn’t recovered from Spindler, now this ? I gotta solve this one or I might as well pack in now.”

“Hey, I can always find you something Ern and I’m sure I can find something for Alice here. There’s no reason to wind up dead over this one Ernie.”

Whack! Alice shook her head and downed another glass.

“It’s no use trying to change his mind. I’ve seen him like this before, once all his brain cells start moving he hasn’t got enough of them to change direction.”

“C’mon Ernie boy, don’t do anything stupid.”

“Look it’s just something I gotta do Unc. Can you really see me working in a bar, polishing glasses ?”

“No I guess not, but there are other things Ernie, you know I got contacts.”

“Speaking of which did you get anything on that Bendelbee character ?”

“No, nothing yet.”

“Well see if you can find out anything about any orb weavers being hired by the hive or the pond or whoever.”

Unc twitched an antenna.

“Look something about that wasn’t right Unc, you know spiders better than most when was the last time you heard of a pair not completing a job they’d been hired for ?”

“I’ve told you Ern, there’s something not right about this entire mess of yours.”

Unc sighed heavily and looked across at Alice, she just shrugged and started making inroads into her fifth Miracle Grow.

“Yeah whatever, I’ll ask around the guys I know, see if anyone has heard anything about any strange jobs going on.”

“Thanks Unc.”

“Ok, now that we’ve sorted out that Ernie is going to get himself ripped apart by beetles and that I’ve still got a lousy secretary’s job that I’ll be paid for until at least next week are you boys going to make any effort at all to catch me up in the drinking stakes ?”

“Since when did you become the heavy drinker anyway. ? You’re always having a go at me about drinking with the clients ?”

“Just because I don’t get hammered on work's time doesn’t mean I don’t know how to do it Ernie. Besides, I only have a go at you because I know you can’t handle fertiliser very well.”

“Sounds like a challenge to me Ernie boy.”

Unc was obviously enjoying this one, he was beaming all over his face and my head was starting to remind me that I hadn’t slept in over 36 hours. Still I had my reputation to think of.

“Bring ‘em on.”

I was about to find out that ladybirds can handle a hell of a lot more drink than you’d ever believe.