Drink "Up" Now!

Drink "Up" Now! - A performance piece.

[Written in May 2001. This one was inspired by the discovery of a can
of great-smelling, non-smearing, non-sticky, cleaning and polishing
wonder-stuff in a friend's bathroom. I decided the miraculous substance
featured in the poem ought to be called "Up" as that way it would get
free advertising in every pub in the land at closing time.]

I went into the chemist not that long ago
And I asked the man to help as I'd stubbed my big toe
Was there anything fast and highly effective,
To help fix toes that were painful and defective?

'Why yes,' he said. 'I've just the thing,
Now pardon me, won't you, if I start to sing...'

'It's safe and hygienic, organic and non-allergenic.
It's baby-soft, non-greasy and it's easy-to-use-in-a-panic.
It's low-residue, easy-flowing and CFC-free!
It's a new improved formula and there's 10 \% extra free!'

'Well,' I said. 'That's great. I think it'll fix my toe.'
'I'll take a couple,' I said, as I prepared to go.
But the man, he wasn't having it, he had some more to say.
And so I listened very patiently, for the rest of the day:

'It's fast-acting, it unblocks drains.
Its ancient formula is good for brains.
Just a drop cleans all your dishes.
It tastes delicious with meat and fishes.

'It's reduced-fat and vitamin-enriched.
You'll stick with this brand when once you've switched.
It's non-scratching and the ideal gift.
It'll give your face and your spirits a lift.

'It's anti-wrinkle and anti-ageing.
It cures panic attacks and violent raging.
Its designer-styling will leave you smiling.
It helps eyebrow-plucking and tiresome nail-filing.

'It's a pain-free depilatory wax.
It's good at easing sore necks and backs.
It's better than coke and Pepsi Max,
And if you buy it, I'll knock off the tax.

'It cleans and shines and helps you relax,
But keeps you alert - you'll love it stacks!
Buy two and get one free,
And it's just as you've seen it on TV.

'It's eco-friendly and fairtrade-crafted.
Buy now, pay later - you won't get shafted.
It's ultra-low calorie and ultra-low tar,
And just a little bit goes so far!

'It's high energy and colouring-free.
And thousands of doctors and dentists agree,
It's good for your health and great for your teeth
And The Proclaimers proclaim it put the sunshine on Leith!

'It's organic and economic and ergonomic too.
You can feed it to your children and the animals at the zoo.
It entertains the kiddies and educates the pets,
And it cuts right down on your bills at the vets.

'It reaches the parts that others just can't.
It'll help you sing and help you chant.
It's a traditional recipe like granny used to make.
It's a scientific formulation - don't be fooled by a fake.

'It's efficient, high-fibre, and highly effective,
And you'll get your money back if you find it defective!
It's mountain-forest, meadow-dew fresh,
And it cures a hangover after a pub sesh.

'It won't freeze and it won't stick, it's not too thin and not too
thick.
It's wonderful and perfect and always does the trick.
It's muscle-building, anabolic and works like a charm.
It smells fantabulous when used underarm!

'It boosts self-esteem, and brings you sweet dreams,
And rotproofs furniture and massive roof beams.
It kills diseases and all known germs,
But it's good for the birds and better for the worms.

'It makes you sexy, wealthy and wise.
It's better than Viagra - go on, give her a surprise!
It brings you love and improves the constitution.
It saves the world and it stops pollution.

It's UV-blocking but helps you tan,
And it makes you into a caring macho man.
No additives, non-addictive and sugar-free.
It's the best cure-all ever, please believe me!

'You can buy it by the drop or you can purchase a whole truck
It'll help you when you wake, it'll help you when you ...

[The next bit should be read slowly in a very serious voice!]

'But I should warn you:
It can only help weightloss as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
Interest rates can go down as well as up.
If pregnant, consult your doctor before use.

[Fast again now.]

'So will you buy it, will you try it?
It's good for your skin and it's good for your diet.'

I said, 'Do you know, I think I oughter.'

He said, 'Sorry sir we're out of it. But to tell you truth, [pause
here!] what's just as good is water.'